Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

Limbo Man · 04-10-2011, 05:49 AM

My wife and I have been separated for six months. We have been married for over ten years and we have two children (7&3). A year ago, we both agreed to go to marriage counseling because our marriage was on the rocks. For much of our marriage I was the controlling person and she was the passive person. I always had the final say on our decisions and I made a lot of mistakes. I also withdrew from her emotionally when I got upset and did things like ignore her and not talk to her for days. She has always had a low self esteem and I could never tell her she was beautiful or smart without getting a roll of the eyes or the hand. At some point, she checked out emotionally and I was happy to go on with the status quo hoping things would get better some day.
Instead they got worse.

Our counselor wanted to see us individually before we started marriage counseling and so we did that. Before we ever went to a counseling session together, my wife told me that she was having an affair with another woman and that she was a lesbian and could not love me anymore - but she still wanted to be friends. I was devastated. Eventually it sunk in for me that
our relationship was dead and I asked her to move out. We had just bought a house and we needed two incomes to afford our bills and everything else. Kicking her out hurt me financially but it was better than living with someone that I loved but could not love me back.

We agreed on shared custody and we agreed to do what's best for the kids. I went to counseling to get over her and deal with my pain while she had a 5 month relationship with the OW. During this time I was not able to speak to her save for conversations about the kids, money, divorce, etc. I was very mad. In March of this year, she told me that she had been seeing someone new for three months. She told me that she had broken up with he OW and was now seeing a man. (GAHH!!) I asked her if she was a lesbian and she said no.

All the pain and anger came back immediately and I went into depression. I told her that she was messed up and should not be seeing anyone at all and instead should be trying to fix her head. She said she knew that was what she was supposed to be doing but she still wanted to see the OM.

So I went back to counseling and cleared my head and realized that if she was capable of having a relationship with a man, she was capable of having a relationship with me. Since we have separated, I have not had any relationships because I still love her and consider myself a married man until the divorce papers are signed. Instead I have drunk a bottle of whiskey a week and have not eaten or slept well at all. (I stopped drinking two weeks ago and started eating again which has helped me to clear my head)

So I told her that I was done being angry and that I wanted to go to counseling to save our marriage. I still love her very much and I still want to spend the rest of my life with her. She said she does not feel anything for me emotionally and thinks we can only ever be friends. She agreed to break up with the OM and she agreed to go to marriage counseling for one session to see if there is anything we can do to save our marriage at this point. I don't trust her to leave the OM and I don't trust her to come to counseling with me. If it happens great but at this point I am not getting my hopes up.

I don't know if she is capable of loving me ever again after everything that has happened. I know if she can't then I will be very sad for a very long time. Until she decides she wants to save our marriage, I am stuck in limbo between two worlds. A world with the woman I love and a world without her.

04-10-2011, 05:49 AM	#1 (permalink)
Limbo Man Registered User Join Date: Apr 2011 Posts: 6	Living in Limbo My wife and I have been separated for six months. We have been married for over ten years and we have two children (7&3). A year ago, we both agreed to go to marriage counseling because our marriage was on the rocks. For much of our marriage I was the controlling person and she was the passive person. I always had the final say on our decisions and I made a lot of mistakes. I also withdrew from her emotionally when I got upset and did things like ignore her and not talk to her for days. She has always had a low self esteem and I could never tell her she was beautiful or smart without getting a roll of the eyes or the hand. At some point, she checked out emotionally and I was happy to go on with the status quo hoping things would get better some day. Instead they got worse. Our counselor wanted to see us individually before we started marriage counseling and so we did that. Before we ever went to a counseling session together, my wife told me that she was having an affair with another woman and that she was a lesbian and could not love me anymore - but she still wanted to be friends. I was devastated. Eventually it sunk in for me that our relationship was dead and I asked her to move out. We had just bought a house and we needed two incomes to afford our bills and everything else. Kicking her out hurt me financially but it was better than living with someone that I loved but could not love me back. We agreed on shared custody and we agreed to do what's best for the kids. I went to counseling to get over her and deal with my pain while she had a 5 month relationship with the OW. During this time I was not able to speak to her save for conversations about the kids, money, divorce, etc. I was very mad. In March of this year, she told me that she had been seeing someone new for three months. She told me that she had broken up with he OW and was now seeing a man. (GAHH!!) I asked her if she was a lesbian and she said no. All the pain and anger came back immediately and I went into depression. I told her that she was messed up and should not be seeing anyone at all and instead should be trying to fix her head. She said she knew that was what she was supposed to be doing but she still wanted to see the OM. So I went back to counseling and cleared my head and realized that if she was capable of having a relationship with a man, she was capable of having a relationship with me. Since we have separated, I have not had any relationships because I still love her and consider myself a married man until the divorce papers are signed. Instead I have drunk a bottle of whiskey a week and have not eaten or slept well at all. (I stopped drinking two weeks ago and started eating again which has helped me to clear my head) So I told her that I was done being angry and that I wanted to go to counseling to save our marriage. I still love her very much and I still want to spend the rest of my life with her. She said she does not feel anything for me emotionally and thinks we can only ever be friends. She agreed to break up with the OM and she agreed to go to marriage counseling for one session to see if there is anything we can do to save our marriage at this point. I don't trust her to leave the OM and I don't trust her to come to counseling with me. If it happens great but at this point I am not getting my hopes up. I don't know if she is capable of loving me ever again after everything that has happened. I know if she can't then I will be very sad for a very long time. Until she decides she wants to save our marriage, I am stuck in limbo between two worlds. A world with the woman I love and a world without her.