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Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair

120K views 838 replies 53 participants last post by  827Aug 
#1 ·
9 months ago, my wife started playing online spades every night with a particular man. She had played lots on the computer and even on that sight. However, it wasn't long before it was obvious they were becoming more than card partners. She would search for him as soon as she got on the site. He would search for her as soon as he got on the site. They would play together for hours every night.

We had several arguments over the first 7 months. I would get angry about the time spent with him. She would give me the script that I know now to be quite common. "It's just a game." "You wouldn't care if I was spending this time with a woman." "You're just jealous." "You're just insecure." "He's just a good spades partner." "We win all the time because we have the same playing style." etc. etc.

About 2 months ago, I came across some google searches. "Falling in love over the internet." "Ending an emotional affair" and a few others. I confronted her. "You've been lying about "affair partner name". "Yes, I have. As a matter of fact, he's the one I wish I was with right now." She agreed that she wouldn't contact him any further.

A day or two later, she wanted to play with him to see if it could just be friends as it should have been. Somehow, being the doormat that I now know I have been, I reluctantly agreed. This went on for a few days. She had promised it wouldn't go back to every night. After a few every nights in a row, I said he had to go.

Then came the controlling accusations. "I need time to make my decision." "You can't force me to decide." etc. That's about the time I found this site.

I have finally starting becoming stronger, mainly due to all of the help and information I have gleaned from the many friends I have found on here. I have now a great support group. This site, my family, her family, friends, etc.

She has refused to stop the affair until a few nights ago. I sat her down and told her that she needs to either dump him, go to marriage counselling, and start working on our marriage or we need to start liquidating our assets in preparation for divorce. I told her I think we need to go for an uncontested divorce since it will be cheaper and easier on the kids.

She said she doesn't want a divorce and will end it with him that night. She called to end it with him, supposedly. However, I still don't understand and she won't explain why a "goodbye" phone call lasted about 3 hours. Also, she will not give up the affair phone or the online passwords. The OM has her passwords. He is the one that set them up. I told her that as long as he has that info and I don't, the affair is still ongoing.

She swears it is over, but won't give me what I ask. She is very angry that I don't just trust her. The kids are gone for a few days with my sister-in-law. Our anniversary is tomorrow. I cooked a nice meal last night - steak, baked potatoes, etc. We did eat dinner together. The trust thing came up last night and I explained that she has continually shown that she can not be trusted. Hiding the phone and not giving the passwords only reinforces that instead of working on rebuilding trust.

Pit of my Stomach made a great point. Even if she is done and does actively start working on the marriage, am I too far gone to forgiver her and start over? I don't know. I really feel nothing for her at this point. She feels less for me. One day at a time. Tomorrow is our 13th wedding anniversary. That should be a great day.:(
 
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#136 ·
She went for a walk last night. However, before she left, she gave me the battery for her phone. She said she didn't want me thinking she was calling him. It was probably dead anyway, since I've had the charger. But the act of her giving it to me so I would know she wasn't calling him seems like a good sign.
 
#145 ·
Have you EVER thought to yourself (no matter how minute of a thought) what it would be like to rob a bank or a jewelry store (or break ANY law for that matter)? That is the difference here. You have the GUT CHECK that tells you "Hey Stupid... Don't!"... Those meds can (and do) remove the GUT CHECK response.

Use all the humorous analogies you want to make the idea sound stupid but that doesn't change the fact that what I'm tossing out there as a POSSIBILITY isn't true.
 
#144 ·
lol. Dead on as usual, Pit. I'm on page 6 of yours. Yes the similarity is crazy. The same advice that was given to you fits me as well. I do have one question. It seems like you mentioned 18 months of no sex. Also, about the same time frame on no drinking. Are the 2 somehow related or just coincidental?
 
#148 ·
No. Well as it turns out yes, I guess.

She didnt intend for me to "wake up", I threw a major wrench in her plans. Guess she had to keep the sex coming to keep me docile while her master plan was playing out. Master plan: Hubby is alcoholic & emotionally neglectful. Leave hubby, get house/kid, sympathy from everyone, seemlessly insert OM.

When she realized I wasn't playing along with the plan, she got mad and changed gears. No more sexytime for Pit. Had to play the "you hurt me so bad card" (understandable shift), but plan B didnt include getting the spoils from masterplan (house/child/understanding from everyone)... So... Gaslight Hubby, waffle and cake eat... Waffled too long, Hubby stayed the course... Then hubby wakes up... The rest is well documented in the thread...
 
#159 ·
TN, diminished impulse control and/or loss of inhibition are not listed as any of the side effects of antidepressants, not even the rare ones. Believe me, I have educated myself on my own medication.

I also take Xanax for panic attacks. While they do remove, or at least lessen, the anxiety associated with something I do not want to do or someplace I do not want to be, they do not change the person I am underneath the anxiety - nor is such a thing listed as a potential side effect.

They may increase sex drive in some cases (in which case, you're supposed to tell your doctor).

The idea that either type of medication is a causal factor in engaging in vastly inappropriate behavior is still unsubstantiated. At this point it is, at best, correlative. The propensity to engage in such behavior must be present in the person (whether as a natural state, or possibly due to some other, possibly undiagnosed condition) for the meds to contribute to such activity in any meaningful way.

Your wife has the will and the propensity to cheat. The panic attacks stopped her for a while. Anxiety meds removed the panic attacks and she went back to cheating. This is not a side effect of the medication - it is simply your wife's natural state.
 
#160 ·
A quick google search showed me this....

Antidepressant Side Effects

Worse, in a few patients, panic, agitation, sleep deprivation, and impaired judgment may reduce impulse control, and antidepressants have been linked to people acting out, sometimes violently. Thus, the headlines about homicides and suicides by people who never were violent before starting on antidepressants. Yet, although there's considerable literature on this problem 2-16 , few doctors know about it because their information sources are heavily influenced by the drug industry, whose research somehow keeps missing the problem.
I never said it is 100% going to cause impulse control issues. I stated that it MIGHT and IT HAS BEEN PROVEN.

If all of your research failed to show you that it is POSSIBLE that you can have impulse control issues, then you need to go back to the basics and start your research again. I'm not going to link all of the articles that prove what I stated beyond the first link I got on a basic google search. Do the rest of your research on your own.

I also never said that his wife didn't have a desire to cheat. She obviously does. It is also POSSIBLE that the medication MIGHT HAVE aided her in acting out on those desires.

It's a shame that adults turn into little kids on this board and make light about facts. Grow up and try helping people. If you don't know the facts, don't make them up as you go.
 
#162 ·
Again, blaming medication for making or leading someone to cheat one of the dumbest things I have ever heard.

And it's really irresponsible, IMO.

It's the silliest rationalization for anything ever.

But hey if some people believe that taking an anti-depressant could lead their spouse to cheating on them, then more power to them.


PEOPLE CHEAT BECAUSE THEY WANT TO.


Nothing more and nothing less.

Nobody and nothing *makes* someone cheat.

Personal accountability. That's what it's all about.

A marriage might be bad, they might be drunk, they might be feeling neglected, they might have lost their job, they might be depressed, they might be happy as hell, they might have been cheated on themselves but at the end of the day--there is a moment. Everyone has a moment, where THEY DECIDE whether to take that next step or not. If they decide it, they did it completely 100% of their own choice.

Nobody stuck a gun to TN's wife's head and told her: If you don't start chatting and cheating w/ OM, I am going to pull this trigger.

Please.



 
#166 ·
You are stuck on this childish rant of yours. You only read what you want in my posts.

I'll try one more time but I am pretty sure I am wasting my time. She chose to have an affair. Where most people have the "WTF" moment and never start, she didn't. That COULD HAVE been the meds that didn't give her the WTF moment. COULD HAVE BEEN... NOT WAS.

Either way, She cheated because she wanted to... It wasn't the drug that wanted to and it wasn't the drug that made her go "I'd like to get into that other guys pants". I never stated that the drug is what drove her to cheat or anything of the sort but you keep reading that into my posts.

At this point, I'm done with you and the other kids who want to make light of the facts I've given to TN.
 
#163 ·
Well, I had a good weekend, for once. Friday night, I spent vacumming the carpet in the play room. No, it wasn't on my honey-do list. I initiated it for a few reasons. One, it was a disaster since our little ball of fur likes to do her business in there if she doesn't get taken out every hour. (Yes, I have a spoiled dog as well as a spoiled wife. lol) Two, it is a step to get the house more marketable. Three, it was actually a stress reliever.

Saturday, I did yard work and we went to watch the kids play. They did awesome! They are 7, 9, and 10 and did excellent on stage in front of the crowd. Afterward, we dropped Mommy off and took the kids skating.

Sunday, the kids and I went to church, the park, and the river. We had a good day together. I grilled out for supper. Again, not for her sake, because some folks were grilling at the river and it really made me hungry.

So, we didn't talk much or spend much time together. I still have the battery to the cheat phone. I don't believe she has another, but that is definitely a possibility. As Eli-zor said, my marriage is over and it will not even have a chance to re-start until she fully engages in it. Therefore, I am preparing to move on. I'm doing things because I want to, not putting every action through the filter of what she will think. Actually, she called me on our way home from the river. She wanted me to just bring home Wendy's since she was hungry and it would be easier. I said, "No, I'm grilling out. If you can't wait, get a snack."

She has been very depressed the last week or so. I believe that is part of the script relating to ending an affair. She seems to be mourning her loss of Mr. Wonderful. That's just my guess and I'm not banking on it. She did say a few times this weekend, "You are an awesome dad." My daughter even told me that she told them that. However, that is one thing she has never wavered on. It still doesn't mean she wants me as a husband. That is one reason she has been "torn." I'm a great dad, but Mr. Wonderful is so thoughtful and understanding, etc. Of course he was, he never had anything but good from her.

So, as far as the marriage goes, I don't see nor expect to see any improvement anytime soon. We haven't fought in several days. That may or may not be a good sign. It may just mean that we're both tired of putting up the energy to fight. Either way, I will continue the working out, church, time with the kids, etc. IF she ever decides to work on our marriage, I'll give it a shot. Until then, I will continue working on myself and working on making the home more marketable.
 
#164 ·
IF she ever decides to work on our marriage, I'll give it a shot. Until then, I will continue working on myself and working on making the home more marketable
.

Good for you, often a wayward will fear this more as they then realize they are not able to readily up and move. . Carry on with your plan, I am still in the camp that says until you can evidence the affair has stopped i.e she gives you the pass codes for the phone and you do not find another one or other means of communication, then the affair is ongoing just deeper underground.

Be yourself, get into a physically good shape, keep a tight reign on the finances and by her the book "surviving an affair" by Harley , if she reads it she may find a way forward to recovery.

Best wishes
 
#165 ·
Yup. Been a victim of an online affair. Any man/woman can be the PERFECT Mr or Miss Wonderful online and over the telephone. It's really so simple. Just listen to what they have to say, and stroke their ego about how pretty, or wonderful they are. They will always think you're the best because they only see the side your presenting to them. They don't know the real person you are.

That's why its so maddening to see people destroy many years of marriage and childrens lives over someone they met over the internet and talking on the phone. I told my stupid, WW that.
 
#168 ·
All right, you two. Please agree to disagree. I do agree that the meds reduced the "WTF am I doing" reaction. Reduced, not took away. They were not the cause, but COULD have been a contributing factor. That does not change the fact that she stole hundreds of hours from me and the kids to devote to playing games with that man. It does not change the fact that stole dozens of hours from us to talk to him on the phone. It does not change any of the facts of our situation.

Both of you are right. The meds could have reduced the anxiety related to doing something she knew was wrong. She still made that choice to do something that was wrong. I don't want to get into a pro- vs. anti- anxiety medication argument. I have taken Zoloft at times (the first month after finding the emails included). They are a terrific help in times of extreme stress.

The meds don't excuse her behaviour. They are a very small part of a very big problem. It doesn't matter much whether or how much they affected her judgment. The pain she has caused is the same either way. So, please, let's just drop the argument over anti-depressants.
 
#170 ·
Medications DO NOT cause behavior.

But they can reduce the reaction to behavior.

Such as a flat effect, so that emotions do not override bad decisions.

Can affect impulse control.

Can affect reasoning.

But they are not the cause of behavior, but can be contributing factors based on type of medication, dose and pre-existing conditions.

Get to the root cause of the problem - medication is not the root cause - it might have been a "player" to what happened - but the root cause is the lack of moral character and respect for you.
 
#171 ·
My husband had a severe TBI in 2008.

It damaged a part of his brain that controls impulse.

His impulse control IS NOT what it used to be.

But - he has not cheated - not once.

It's being used as an excuse - and a lousy one at that.

Get your head out of the sand!
 
#173 ·
It's being used as an excuse - and a lousy one at that.

Get your head out of the sand!
She is not using it as an excuse. In her mind, she's done nothing wrong, so there is no need for an excuse.

I also am not using it to excuse her behaviour. A few people independently brought it up at the same time, so there was a discussion about the part the meds played. It certainly was not the cause, but IN HER CASE, I believe it was a small contributing factor.

My head has been buried very deeply somewhere, yes. Some days now, I can see the light of day. I will find the exit sooner or later.
 
#174 ·
Well, next step on 180. The get sexy part should include directions to hit the tanning bed, especially for men. That kills 2 birds with one stone. A tan is more sexy, in my opinion. Also, there are lots more hot women in line than men. lol

I signed a month to month agreement today at lunch. I'll have a nice dark tan in time for summer. Now, if I can get this 6-pack to cooperate, her time to decide if she wants me or not is dwindling. Last summer, I took the kids to the river every weekend. I was 200 pounds and a little tan. This year, I'll be 165-170, in shape, with a great tan. I believe the bikini clad beauties may notice a little more.:)
 
#179 ·
I'm sorry to state the obvious, but I just have to get this out...your wife is damn lazy!!

She stays home (and you work) but you have to clean up and vacuum and pick up after the pets?

If you two choose not to stay together, she's going to have the reality hit her like a ton of bricks...no one to help wash the dishes, no one to clean up, no one to be her lil' errand boy- except her own self.
 
#180 ·
If there's one thing I've noticed after following hundreds of affairs over the last 5-10 years, it's this (and note, this is not a blanket statement of all SAHMs, so no tomatoes):

Women who stay at home and who have husbands who, in addition to going to work, come home and then do HOUSEWORK/TAKING CARE OF FAMILY, are ten times more likely to cheat than those women whose husbands come home after working and expect the wife to have done it all by the time he comes home.

Why? Because those women grow to despise their husbands, even if they don't know it, for being WEAK.

And then they go out looking for a 'real' man who CAN take her breath away.
 
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