This is an area where I admit to being unsure as to what "works best" in terms of style. I think telling her it is "hot" is great on the romance side of the house. Telling her about strengthening the "bond" is more intended to address her desire for relationship stability. Two very different things. I guess you can message both. I have no idea which she will respond more strongly to.
But I would do this in person - and I would make sure to hit both points one after the other - the lack of desire being "not her fault" and the show of commitment being a very powerful thing.
This creates a "context". And that context going forward is:
- A lack of arousal/desire is no basis for ignoring you as a man. In fact ignoring you as a man shows a lack of commitment to the marriage.
- Focusing on you as a man, regardless of desire shows commitment and strengthens the marriage.
This particular dynamic is one that I am very, very experienced with. Two weeks ago my W got that painful inflammation thing "down there" that she gets every once in a while. She has been consistently offering to please me. Totally sincere offers. Almost nightly. The thing is that when she does that, most nights I gently let her off the hook. It is not her fault she is in pain. As her partner my inclination is to be patient when she has a physical condition.
And this isn't a "game" she is playing. When she offers she means it. And at a certain frequency she becomes insistent and I relent. THAT is where you want to be. Where your W is more focused on your needs, while you are more focused on hers.
Originally Posted by frustr8dhubby
Great point, thanks MEM. I did send her a quick text message today saying that I was still thinking about yesterday and how hot it was... But you are right I need to make sure I emphasize that I understand that she cannot control her desire.