Re: Trying to post from my wifes point of view: Loss of best freind due to marriage i
You say your wife has agreed to work on the marriage. If that's her choice, she must prioritise that over friendship. When we marry we vow to stick together through good and bad, and that's sometimes going to mean making sacrifices, even sacrifices of friendships.
In my opinion (and it is just an opinion!), it sounds like a really sticky situation. I'm sure your wife is missing the relationship she has with this guy, but if she were to meet up with him, even as friends, you know you'd be deeply uncomfortable and this would put a big strain on your marriage. Therefore, in terms of your marriage, even friendship would be potentially a very bad idea.
Thus, I think in order to really 'work on the marriage', as your wife says she wants to do, it is important not to have contact with this guy. This is a sacrifice and it is hard to do, but it seems necessary to preserve your marriage. If your wife has chosen to work on marriage, then she needs to understand that stopping contact with this man is a consequence of this.
On the other hand, disallowing her contact with this man could make her resent your decision and stance, and that may be an issue, but if the marriage is the heart of her desire then this would be a periphery, rather than a core problem. Still, feelings of resentment is something that you should be prepared for, and understanding of.
One final point. You say you understand your wife, and I'm sure you're trying your best to, but nobody can put themselves completely in someone else's shoes, especially when you do have such vastly different viewpoints. My suggestion would be not to tell her that you understand her, but more understand why she's feeling the way she is. The difference is subtle, but so are women, and she may appreciate that.
I'm truly sorry this has happened, it's incredibly sad. I hope you two get through this. With lots of determination and a hell of a lot of commitment, respect and love; nothing is impossible!
Hope this helps.