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Just Let Them Go

308K views 344 replies 106 participants last post by  Evinrude58 
#1 ·
I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.
 
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#109 ·
I'm moving on too. I4U2011, your post was very inspiring. This aint my Hubs first affair either. I HAVE to move on but yes, I am so hurt. I am so, so, so hurt. Somne days I dont want to go on anymore but I keep trudging forward. I know I will get there eventually and someday meet someone who will actually give 2 sh*ts about me. My hubs is the type of man who will always cheat, no matter who he is with. To quote Carrie Underwood in her song, Before he cheats, "The next time that he cheats, it won't be on me". He can be someone else's problem. If that ow wants him, she can have him. She would deserve the pain he's only going to bring to her anyways.
 
#112 ·
Ok time to get this thread back on track.

Here's something that I found and wanted to share with all of you:

Strong Medicine for Broken Marriages -- Date Other People

Here’s another true case study:

Liz R. of Seattle was separated from her husband, Raymond.
She desperately wanted to get back together with him and try to
work things out. The problem was, her husband refused to see her,
or even speak with her on the telephone. For months, Liz called
Raymond, left messages on his answering machine, wrote him let-
ters, but he ignored all of it.

Liz’s therapist suggested she file for divorce because the situ-
ation had grown hopeless. This left Liz despondent. She felt that
her therapist was right, and only being realistic, but she still didn’t
want to accept it.

Then one day, a man who worked in Liz’s office asked her out
for a date. Liz wasn’t interested in dating anyone else, but she
accepted only because she thought it would be nice to have some-
one to talk to, and to just go out and have a nice dinner with a man
once again.

So Liz and her date went to a popular restaurant, and as they
were eating and having a nice time, Liz’s husband Raymond hap-
pened to walk in and see his wife laughing and talking with another
man. Raymond turned right around and went back out. Liz had
seen him, and felt terrible. On the other hand, his behavior was the
same -- as soon as he saw her, he got away from her as fast as he
could.

But as soon as Liz returned home, her phone was ringing. It
was Raymond. He was furious that she had been out with another
man. Of course, Liz said to him: “Raymond, you finally decided to
talk to me. I’ve been calling you for six months and I haven’t heard
a peep out of you. What did you expect me to do? Wait for you for-
ever?”

The next day, Raymond agreed to meet with Liz and their therapist.
They later reconciled.

At first, the dating others strategy seems like a simple ploy to
make the other spouse jealous, and in a way, that’s part of the rea-
son it works. But the psychology behind the idea goes much deep-
er.

Let’s look at the example of Liz. For six months, she humbled
herself, pleaded, begged, acted desperate, and what did it get her?
Nothing. Also, by acting in this way, she was sending a message to
her estranged husband. She was telling him: “I’m a loser. Nobody
else wants me. I need you to make me complete. I’m nothing by
myself.”

Now, ask yourself: How many men want to date a desperate
loser that nobody else wants? Not very many. But when Liz demonstrated
she indeed had value -- enough value to attract other men -
- she started sending the opposite message to her husband. She
was saying: “Look at me! I’m in demand! Other men value me! You
better get off your duff and claim me back while you still can!”

The dating other strategy has some pitfalls to be aware of, how-
ever. For one thing, the other person you decide to date is a real
human being with real feelings. To simply use another person as a
ploy to lure your spouse back is not a good thing to do. Also, it’s very
easy for human beings to start doing a lot more than dating -- that
means having sex, getting involved, and developing feelings for
these other people. The picture can get quite complicated very fast.
Some marriage repair experts recommend you merely “enjoy the
company of other people.” That means not going to far because
your ultimate goal is to get back with your spouse, eventually. The
bottom line is, if you use this strategy, keep a level head and your
eye on the ultimate goal. You don’t want to hurt anyone else along
the way.
But if you have run out of all other options, dating others
may be your only alternative. Just remember you’re playing with
powerful medicine, and you need to handle the situation with care.
You may not agree with this and its fine, but from personal experience - and the experiences of others I know of - this works. More so if its part of your personal recovery and not as a manipulation tool to get your unfaithful spouse back.
 
#115 ·
Ok time to get this thread back on track.

Here's something that I found and wanted to share with all of you:



You may not agree with this and its fine, but from personal experience - and the experiences of others I know of - this works. More so if its part of your personal recovery and not as a manipulation tool to get your unfaithful spouse back.
So, who wants to be my date tonight, lol :D
 
#113 ·
Right now husband in sitting room, as not moved out yet. I am cleaning bedroon, and just changed bed. Hate that he is not in my bed anymore. Really have a big urge to go and hug him, just want to to be right. Find it so hard to be happy when he seems so much on edge today :( You are all so good at detatching!
 
#114 ·
The death of something you hold so dear - your marriage - is painful. But remember pain is inevitable because its part of life, but misery is not. Choose to refuse being miserable by following the following rules:

"WARNING: Do not use these strategies as a manipulative tool to change what your spouse is doing. He/she will pick up on your motive and see through it. He/she will easily manipulate you back to where he/she wants you (wherever that was to make you predictable and controllable.)

You engage in these exercises and strategies because you want to for you. You know that this is the best way to live and at this point, be in relationship with your spouse. This is the best way for you to survive and retain integrity.

Here’s the kicker. A by-product of these efforts is usually dramatic changes on the part of your spouse. Don’t be surprised if he/she moves closer. Don’t be surprised if he/she does a double-take. Don’t be surprised if he/she decides to “work on the marriage.” But, don’t expect it!

1) Act Happy. Be as cheerful as possible. Be positive. Put on this behavior when you have contact with your spouse. Prepare yourself to act this way. Practice if need be. Be an actor, actress if need be. Fake it, if you must. Fake it til you truly do get to the point where you experience your life as positive. (It really is, you know!)

2) Get a life. Rekindle old hobbies or interests that you have discarded but still interest you. Try out new hobbies or interests. Think about what you really liked doing when you were 6 years old. Start doing that. (One coaching client “gave up dancing,” which was a passion, for her family and husband. Once she discovered his affair, she took it up again. She loved it. It was therapeutic. But, boy did he have a problem with it!).

3) Focus on 4 key words. Every day, every hour and every minute if need be, plaster your mind with these 4 life-saving words: I WILL MAKE IT! This becomes your mantra. Wake up with it. Put it on your mirror. Eat lunch with it. Go to sleep with it. Tell, convey in every which way to your spouse that you WILL MAKE IT. Say, “I will make it! I perfer to make it with you (if that is what you REALLY want), but if that doesn’t happen, I will make it without you. Either way, I want you to know that I will make it.” State with erect, confident body language, unblinking, direct eye contact and calm, firm, consistent tone of voice.

4) To-the-point small talk. Make conversations with your spouse brief and to the point. Talk only about the solutions to specific problems that need to be addressed, such a particular bills, household or children concerns. Let silence prevail if he/she wants to “hook” you into melodrama. Politely but firmly end such conversations.5) Tend to agree. Try to find the kernel of truth in what your spouse is saying and agree with it. Acknowledge it. He/she says, “I don’t love you
anymore.” You say, “It certainly seems that way. Thank you for your truthfulness.”He/she says, “I’m not sure what I want.” You say, “Yes, it must be confusing for you.” He/she says, “I’m thinking of moving out.” You say, “Do you have an idea of when you’re going to do that? Knowing would help me plan for my activities.”

6) Expand your social relationships, including those of the OPPOSITE SEX.Make new friends. Go to lunch. Surround yourself with interesting people who have the potential to care about you. Rekindle old friendships that have faded. With the
opposite sex? Yes! I’m not talking about a revenge affair or sleeping with someone. I’m not talking about dating for the purposes of forming a committed relationship, but to form true friendships(plural) and learning about you and how you relate, especially to those of the opposite sex.

7) Get sexy – in a healthy way. Get in shape. Lose weight. Run. Walk. Exercise. Eat right. Enjoy your body. Take supplements. Take extreme care of your body. Begin to feel healthy…and healthy is sexy. Focus on one of these tactics and begin now. Don’t wait."
 
#119 ·
Morituri, thankyou, I really like short things to remember like

'pain is inevitable because its part of life, but misery is not' it reminds me what to do.

Apple Ducklings thankyou too, for understanding. It is so physically painful isn't it? I will send you a hug instead!

Anyway have not given in. He cooked roast dinner for us all, brought me a glass of port while I was cleaning. We are all sat watching tv now. He looks very tired and fed up.. He is working tomorrow although a public holiday, I think to save money for his new accommodation. While he looks like this ,it is easier not to want to talk to him ,and not hug him, and I have been looking up funny things on You Tube to show my daughter and humming too!
 
#120 · (Edited)
Thanks to this thread and a mental shift I had a good weekend.
Not a bearable weekend. A good one. Some people will not agree with this..

Saturday was my bagle date. We sat in a park and talked.
We enjoyed each others company, it felt good to be out and about. It felt good to be laughing with them.

Sunday morning.
Cleaned and organised the house. Put her stuff in piles. Got some boxes out. Lots of physical exercise!
Second Date..
This one was a surprise . Got a text from somebody else "Want to go see some art?"
Many, many hours later I returned home after art, drinks, a meal. This was very, very nice.

I came home. Slept well and woke up this morning feeling positive.

Lesson Learnt
This is the same thing my WW went through.

This is and was her choice every single step of the way. From the first "hello" on the first date, sharing a bottle of wine when you know it will lower your resistance. To where it is now.

Sure makes it easier to let go when you realise how easy it is even when you really like the person to NOT GO THERE.

She chose to hurt me
She chose to break up our family.
She chose to do this.
She continues to do this.

We have a hard time accepting that the person we loved for so long could do this to us. Fact is. They did.
You might not recognize then. But that is who they are now.
{ Think I may get Mr Grumpy out today:) }
 
#123 ·
Ladies and gentlemen, we are a work in progress. :D

I have let go. I don't want him. Especially when he posts a picture of the two of them together as their facebook profile pics. He's flaunting it now. I take solace in knowing that I'll grow as a person and come out stronger, and he's the same old failure.
 
#124 ·
Just fired off my letting go email. It feels wierd to really let go emotionally - exicited, sad, scared, .... I feel good though. Its been a long time coming and I as I sit here tying, I feel good about finally letting her go from my heart.

I feel letting go may get contagious because I feel like letting go of other some other stuff I am hanging on to, but one thing at a time.

How liberating......
 
#126 ·
It sucks letting go when you still love them with your whole heart, but that's what true love isn't it? Loving them means letting them go. I am with my husband, but I need to let him go for my sanity, until he can work through his issues and make good decisions again, I can't sit and give him all of my love daily and get nothing in return, it makes me crazy.
 
#127 ·
...but that's what true love isn't it? Loving them means letting them go.
Yes it is.

From the first post of this thread:

Let them go. Agree with them and their feelings, "you should be with the OM/OW, I hope he/she makes you happy, good bye" Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?
 
#129 ·
Messed right up today and now feel awful again!

Husband came in from work, dog went mad.

He said 'someone is pleased to see me'

I said 'I am pleased to see you ' and hugged him!! I stopped myself all day yesterday just to set myself up again. He hugged me, but just cause I did I think.

Then I said aren't you very happy with me, as if I had done something wrong:eek: He said 'No not at all'

In my mind I had wanted to talk again aout us and still do really.

Now he is out with dog, has thought aout taking our daughter away for weekend, and I feel everyone but me has his affection. I hate myself for sounding so pathetic, I just feel like running out the door at the moment.

Have to go to new work in morning with someone shadowing me, even more stress. Help!
 
#132 ·
Letter Sent.
It was really hard to write, and even harder to hit the send button. This morning I feel sad but in a strange way relieved that in my mind the drama is officially over.

One of the things that was bugging me was her supercilious patronizing "Are you alright?'
This morning on the drop of kids she didn't even get out of the car. I assume she read my email..

Paramour. You deserve better than that. You are being betrayed.

“Betrayal is the only truth that sticks.”
Arthur Miller
 
#134 ·
ing;
I see you went the email route like me. This really sucks, does'nt it? I mean, you live with this person for god knows how many year, and now its time to go your separate ways, and you cant tell her in person cause she does not talk to you anymore.

It would have been alot more painful for me, but I would have preferred to tell her in person and take the extra pain.

Like you, I feel lighter today and was in a better mood than the past few days. I think once you know its over and you start taking steps to let go it becomes easier as the days go by; well at least I am hoping that is what will happen for me.

Today I found myself not thinking about her. This is very different than before I sent the email. Normally she is on my mind every frickin minute... It drives me crazy.

A good sign is when she is no longer on my mind so I can occupy the few brain cells I have left with things important to me, that will bring good things in my life.

I have spent the majority of my life with my SO and it scares me when I think about how long I have been unhappy. I am so ready and looking forward to waking up with a smile on my face. I honestly cannot remember when was the last time that happened.
 
#135 ·
I have spent the majority of my life with my SO and it scares me when I think about how long I have been unhappy. I am so ready and looking forward to waking up with a smile on my face. I honestly cannot remember when was the last time that happened.
I am the same. All my adult life. I left the letter rather later than you. I did all the wrong things. I pleaded. I begged. I reasoned. Oh god did I reason.
The last week I have gone totally dark. Nothing beyond the kids. This morning I sent the email and within an hour received an email back that started with:
"I can hardly see through the fog" and then most she has said to me in 45 days.
I did not respond.

An hour after that another one agreeing tersely to the divorce.
I will not respond.

Dark.. Stay Dark.
 
#136 ·
Troy, I have just read your post and looked at your 'If she want to go set her free' thread. I am pleased you have found some relief now, and it seems you well deserve it for all the effort you have put in to the relationship over the years. Do post how life continues, it is so helpful to see others moving on. just looking at these posts before I start work and it will help me get on with my day, just knowing others are or have felt like me, and there is light at the end of the tunel.
 
#139 ·
Ok . An update. I look back at the posts I wrote and from the position I am in now I am surprised at how mild the things I did were. At the time they felt like I was being a complete bastard.
I really thought I was being very hard line 180. It just shows how hard it is to do a 180!

It is over 6 weeks since my last post on this thread and I most certainly have let go.

I feel much better and suffer the pit of despair without reference to her. It is just emotion that needs to be dealt with. It only happens once a week or something.

letting her go helped me recover.
It helped my kids have a sane Father.

My 25 year marriage is over.

I am okay with it. She doesn't want me. I certainly don't want her now.
It was not the outcome I wanted but really I had no choice in this.
The only thing I could change was myself.
 
#142 ·
(((hugs))) ing. Same with me. Divorce was not the outcome I wanted either but I am much better without him and with him still actively chasing the ow and still very deep in his fog, D was the only thing I could do. Now we just gotta believe somehow things will get better. You can change youself, just as I can change myself and maybe someday our spouses will see what they lost. (I would not take mine back but it would be nice to know he may someday regret what he did)
 
#140 ·
This thread is one of my fav's on here. When it was first posted (before my D was final) I printed it out and I kept with me and would read it and re-read anytime I wanted to go crazy on my ex and the ow. It helped me tremendously to let go. To any new members on here, I recommend to you to print it out and keep a copy handy.
 
#146 ·
I am not new to this site, but to this section. I love the words of wisdom offered in this thread, I find some comedy as well. I don't know if my H has AW or not. I have not done any investigating, but thinking back on things before he left...I would wager that he does (poor her ;o) I have let go and I did the 180 almost from the beginning of our separation. It made me feel good and secure in who I am and what I deserve. Getting out of the Condo we shared as a family also helped a great deal. I have memories, but they are even settling into a new part of the brain that is not at the forefront. I am glad to see so many on here doing so well post divorce/separation...I know I can make it too ;o) I have copied the words of wisdom for any set backs I may suffer.
 
#147 ·
Hello. I am new to this thread. This part I am struggling with now. Facing the reality of letting go. I have a current thread right now about my wife being stubborn despite the affair being over as of late May. I know women typically take longer to get over it because the emotional aspects. If you have a chance, look at my history of the affair. Anyways, I know my self-esteem was crushed and has been stepped on for the last year. I had bad advice and thought I was doing the right thing. It's obvious it never worked. I need the strength to move on, but right now I'm struggling so much with it. :(
 
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