Thank you for replying, Mr. Clemens
I've found your responses always incisive and extremely valuable. Thank goodness there are some productive social researchers out there. All too often the humanities are weighed down by pretension and inferiority about not being an astrophysicist, and all manners of absurd useless academic antics ensue. (I've been reading Randall Merrill and he has some priceless remarks on that - sorry, tangent.) I am a literature/philosophy aficionado, so my contempt is reserved for the institutions, not the true practitioners as I define them.
You are right about this marriage having a giant hole in it. This is why I am venting on this forum. In fact, my thinking that everything was perfect was part of the problem. It turned out that he was doing a lot more work catering to my needs than I was to his. I did not see it that way at the time, of course.
So my marriage has a lot of probloems, and I need to drastically revise my version of it. Having said that, my personal choice for now is to stay and try to steer it to where I want it to be, within limits. I accept that he would never want to have sex near the level where I want it. But as he's pointed out to me in our past fights, I am less experienced, more sexually insecure, and often expect him to lead and make things happen. My selfishness showed up between our sheets too! No surprise there. I have to change that, but it's really difficult. (I do feel a bit miffed! Rather than working actively with me, he just threw up his hands! He's had about a dozen sexual partners and a couple of relationships before me. Hardly a depraved Don Juan by European standards, but beats me by miles - two casual sex encounters, one long-term BF, some half-hearted dating, fini.)
So I think his situation is close to 1). Like a lot of women, he's been relatively willing to talk about why he doesn't want to have sex. So there is hope for now.
What I am curious about is, how often do you see his situation? Not that it matters, and I hear you about the infinite variety of the causes for sexless marriages, but I am still curious. You see, his low drive sometimes even had me doubting whether he was gay, since this began in the very beginning when we by definition had not had the time to accumulate much resentment.
A lot of it has to do with societal expectations - men are supposed to be animals populating the animal kingdom you spoke for so eloquently. He does not fit these stereotypes.