wheresthelove

I met my husband online 8 or 9 years ago. He decided to come meet me 7 years ago. We both lived on opposite sides of the country. I looked for a place to live and he moved in with me and my son from a previous relationship who at the time was 2. He was 18, I was 23. He did the best he could do for us. He went against his family wishes and came to be with me.

Shortly after he moved in we got pregnant. Through the course of getting to know him better I realized I didn't feel for him the same way that he said he felt for me. I wanted to, I just didn't. He was overly needy. He needed a lot more attention than I was wanting to give him, even over the smallest things. He was very dramatic. I was really kind of turned off by it. He's handsome but I wasn't attracted to him.

When his first child arrived (my second) the baby passed away shortly after he was born. There was a lot of stress and we were fighting all of the time. He eventually lost his job which just strained our relationship even more. He wasn't finding another one and he was on the phone with his family on the west coast talking to them all the time telling them lies about me and setting himself up to be welcomed back home.

I knew at this point that I did not love him. I also recognized that he would be a good father and provider and that if I didn't fight for him and try my hardest I'd be letting the best thing that ever happened to me walk out the door. I very much wanted to love him and was just confused altogether about what love was and what I should and shouldn't be feeling.

I fought for him. His initial plan was to leave me and go back home. I went from friend to family member begging everyone for advice. I knew that if I wanted to stay with him I'd have to give up everything and move to the west coast with him. It would be a chance to start over fresh. With out the stress of family and the painful "I'm sorry for your loss." Being that I had a son already I had to have a bit of security so I told him as long as he secures a job and a place for us to live I will quit my job and move to be with him on the west coast. In about 3 weeks this all went through. When he found his job and a place for us to live I gave away everything I owned and shipped what I could and purchased plane tickets and with the support of my father, brother, and friends moved to be with him.

Shortly after living here we had quite a few problems and we got pregnant again. I was really stressed out about it because I was afraid I was going to lose this baby too. Still wasn't loving him though. I was reluctant to have sex with him because it just didn't do anything for me and because I didn't love him. When kissing him I'd pull away. When ever we had fights and he get mad he'd say things intentionally to hurt me. He is malicious and vindictive when he is mad. He denies me sleep. If I fall asleep he pushes me or yells and refuses to let me sleep. Many fights we had and many mornings he wouldn't let me go to sleep until I was weeping and it was 5 am. There are many things that happened like this that was keeping me from loving him as well.

I have been on the west coast here now for 5 years. Three years ago we got married. We have 3 kids (2 of them are his, 1 from previous relationship). After 7 years and knowing that I do not love him and the struggles we have been having we've been talking. I have told him he's more of a friend to me than anything at this point. He is extremely selfish and self centered from what we watch on tv, to taking the kids out to play to not allowing me to doze off on the couch even when there's something boring on tv and I need a little rest because he says he's jealous of my time and loves me very much and wants me to be awake with him and always giving him attention.

I care about him. I like him as a person. I don't like how he treats people. I don't like that he won't help me with anything around the house. I don't like that I am responsible for everything in the house including mowing the lawn and keeping the car kept up. I am a stay at home mom. I do not shop for anything, anytime. I rarely even buy groceries. He stresses about money all the time. I get told no about anything I want to buy in the store. He puts his hand on my back and "jokingly" pushes me along when I see something that I like in the store and would like to have. He says he loves me.

After our recent conversations he has cried and says he doesn't feel the same way that he used to about me and it breaks his heart but that he does still love me. As time goes on I begin to like him less and less. I am now 31 he is now 25. My kids are 2, 3 and 9. I will say he has been an excellent provider and a good father, as good as he can be. I am not the best parent and I am not the best wife. I have no job, no money, no car.

Should I stay in this relationship for my children? Should I get out and find someone I love and can share my life with unconditionally? I feel I owe it to him as well so he can find someone who will love him. He deserves that. To throw another thing into the problem.... I have found someone whom I have fallen in love with recently. Butterflies and racing heart and pacing and constant smiling... all the things I have never felt before... I have now experienced and want more of. Should it matter that I met this person online? Most people will think so. I know it's possible to fall in love with someone using a computer. It's harder to make it work but it's definitely possible. Does that mean that we will get together? I don't know... maybe not. And that's not even what I am focused on at this point. I just know that there is something incredible that I have now felt that I have never in my life experienced before and like a drug I want it all the time. Should I stay and be thankful that I have someone now who is a good provider and cares about his children and me. Or should I take this one life I have and go find the happiness my heart desires most?