| | Re: Big situational change...advice please !!! Ladies !
AFEH, I just wanted to clarify my take on the 180. The way I see the 180 is that it's about doing the opposite of what you were doing before. In my case, I became a bore and a grump. You mistake that I did it 100% to win her back, I didn't, in fact it has been a part of my change with or without her, but yes I have incorporated this in how I treat my wife. Yes there is a part of me that wants her to know that this has been my approach on things, but it's not for her, but I do see it as a tool.
I already changed before I moved down here. I shed all of the crap, but I also needed time to figure out how to communicate with my wife. Was anger and refusal to talk the answer. Sorry no that only creates more distance, so I decided to show her the caring good happy side without overdoing it.
I have spent a month on my own with limited communication with my wife and in that time I have set up my own bank account, obtained my own credit cards and have real estate agents looking for apartments for me. I have also gotten back to yoga and started getting comfortable with being on my own.
There are no strict answers to anything. A huge part of why I believe my wife is talking R, is exactly because I have started to forge my own path. She knows it and it can't be faked. I am not crawling back to her, quite the opposite. I have regained my confidence and self esteem, but these changes made are permanent and yes my love for my wife and family are in my plan.
This business of doing everything for yourself and refusing to admit that there is a component, a wish that your wife will notice these changes, is not telling the whole truth, but these changes are going to permanent. How I communicate with my wife etc.
What I believe has taken my wife this time is that she has wanted to see if my changes were actually going to stick.
As a final point, while many believe that the 180 is all about them, it's usually not. I have read countless stories. nine times out of ten it isn't exclusively about a husbands emotional detachement from the wife. I have read countless " had financial problems " etc.
A marriage is a series of complex layers and while ultimately you are changing yourself in the 180, it also effects many of the things that might have been lacking in the marriage, so when you change those things that affected the marriage and the family then there is a natural desire for one to wish for the spouse to see these changes. In my case I believe that my wife's desire to possibly reconcile has been largely based on her wanting to know that I could be there for her beyond simply emotions, that I could be the family man and the partner that had been lost. There are practical sides to marriage.
Again I think too many look at things as black and white, without considering the natural overlaps. Each relationship on this board requires it's own tweaks. When all of this happened, I knew exactly why they happened. I wasn't expecting it but that's because I spent 6 months on my own in our previous city working on the changes that I knew needed to be made. My wife just wasn't there to see it. So when I arrived she had spent months saying to herself it was over. I was so desperate to change her mind that I made all of the mistakes that only caused her to run further away. But I dusted myself off and pulled away. Got my sense of direction back and worked on showing her that I had already made the changes she had wanted but that she wasn't privy to. So I haven't really had to change much that hadn't already changed.
Again each relationship and situation has it's own nuances. There is no one size fits all.
I will say that in my wife's sudden turn around there has been only one sentence that has proven to me that she is serious. It was her repeated admissions that she is scared about putting her heart back on the line for us. This speaks volumes. It says that she probably still loves me but is not ready to unlock her heart. So my job now is to show her my confidence and to prove to her that there will be no risk, that I am the man she has hoped for.
If she ends up continuing the EA or having another one, OK...i have already proven I can go it alone. I am not going to close the new bank account or cut up my CC. Getting an apt on my own is doable and I am not worried to be alone. Right now I want my family back and I think she does too. I will not buckle and I am going to set rules on how we go about trying to find each other again.
When once I would have joked about this, I am going to insist we go on a couple's retreat. I am going to insist that we both write down on paper what we want for the future and what we don't want from the other partner. This is all going to be done intelligently. If she isn't game then I walk.
Let's admit that it is impossible through a forum to understand everything that is happening or going through a person's head or what there motives are. When people come here, like me it is at points of uncertainty. Lot's will have happened, the little details, that would take reams of pages to recount. I think it's not very wise to judge how one person is playing his or her " game ".
I am fully prepared for things to fall apart. I am also, while I have my days of tears, also hardened in the heart. I am not ready to let go of the many months that have passed, the pain and the anger, so I am inching towards my wife, but ready to jump back if I feel she isn't genuine. When you have lived with someone for 20+ years, no matter how much they might have changed on the surface, down deep you do know them and if you wait long enough you usually can sense what their motives are. I still have determined if my wife's are genuine but as mentioned that one sentence " I am scared to get back together " says that it's not all calculation and I understand why she is scared.