RunningOnEmpty, thank you for the reassurance. I actually think the kids will be fine. Happy about it, no. My plan is to have the "house get the kids" and for my husband and I to move in and out. Hopefully he will agree with that. I think it would be very unfair to make the kids move in and out of the house they have known their whole lives. People think it is a crazy idea, but I know people who have successfully done it for years. My husband and I get along very well (well, maybe not so well once I finally say I want out), so I think/hope we can manage this.
BrighterLight, he swears the first time was an accident. I don't know for sure, that is not my recollection. The second time, was definitely not an accident. Rape? Probably. I don't like to think that way, but it fits the definition.
Undertheradar, thank you. I'm very sorry to hear of your pain, but I really think he will ultimately accept that this is the right decision for both of us. We are NOT compatible sexually. I agree that your wife's issue is not loving you anymore. That hurts a lot. I WANT to love him, but he is not lovable to me anymore. I WANT this family life. I WANT the dream. I need to accept the reality that we are messed up. My choice to have an EA so many years ago was not the cause, but it was not a good choice of ways to handle the problems in our marriage. His choice to continue treating me like an object for his sexual pleasure even after counseling was not a good choice. We are both to blame for this.
Jellybeans, I am trying to get the nerve to flat out say I'm done. We danced around the issue Tuesday morning. I just could not push those words out of my mouth. Then I met with my therapist on Wednesday and she helped me to understand that of course there will be ambivalence in a major life decision. I just need courage to be responsible for MY feelings and let him have his own feelings. I keep trying to protect him. That's just the way I am. A conflict avoider. A peacekeeper.
And what happened to that long note from the person advertising their website and telling me to stay married? Was it deemed spam and removed by moderators? Weird.
Thank you to everyone who posts here, even those who don't say things I care to hear.