One big key to success for our HD/LD marriage was how to handle "disconnects". We follow 4 simple rules:
1. I am compassionate when she is exhausted, totally stressed from kid stuff etc: I don't radiate a sexual vibe, and I don't project irritation that she isn't "available". Instead I am supportive and kind PROVIDED she isn't taking her bad day out on me. That last bit is every bit as important as the first part.
2. If I approach and she really does not want to she does not say "no". Instead she shows compassion and asks "would it be ok if we connect tomorrow"? Too which I always smile and say sure.
3. She is fantastic about letting me "get her in the mood" when she starts out in neutral. So that means when "tomorrow" comes, even if she isn't feeling desire, she lets me warm her up and then she DOES feel desire.
4. She has taught me what she REALLY likes. Which is edgy, somewhat aggressive sex. Fine by me.
I think I've just realized, one thing that's driven me for a loop is just obsessing over this stuff waaaay too much. I've come to realize a few things ...
a) my wife loves me immensely.
b) she tries really hard.
c) even if I don't always get it when I want it or how I want it, for my situation (unplanned pregnancy, rushed engagement/marriage/newborn, etc.) I am VERY well taken care of.
d) reading so many people's stories here has given me so much perspective, but it is probably skewed by the number of people who ARE sexually fulfilled and thus have less of a need to post here.
e) if there ever comes a time when my drive decreases and hers begins to skyrocket, it will be very interesting.
f) I've gotten laid MUCH more since I've joined here. Coincidence? maybe. But I'd like to think not.