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post #7 of (permalink) Old 01-15-2009, 11:06 AM
Blanca's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 4,024
Re: how do I tell my husband Im lonely and need his attention without........

I am really sorry for what you are going through. How did the dr. appointment go? is the baby ok?

your H sounds like he is in a very selfish place right now. He's miserable. it sounds like he is intentionally pushing you away. A lot of the things your H is doing sound very similar to the things my H did when i first moved with him. I was so miserable and so confused. He used to be really sweet to me. I got so depressed. I didnt have any kids though, so i know it must be even harder for you.

One thing, though. When your H asks you what is wrong, dont say "nothing." You should not, however, tell him what is wrong. He hasnt earned that level of emotional intimacy from you. I do this with my H all the time. For example, last night i was upset. He asked me what was wrong. Now, ive learned talking to my H at night is bad idea. He just falls asleep. we used to get in horrible fights about it. So i do not talk to him at night. and even today, im kind of upset but i still dont want to talk about it. I used to say "nothing" because i didnt want to deal with it all. That just creates more problems. believe me, when you say "nothing" your H thinks "nothing." Tell him you are upset, but dont elaborate. Like today, my H is going to come home and ask me what is wrong. Im going to tell him that i appreciate his concern, but im just not ready to talk about it.

It took me a long time to get to this point, though. i used to get resentful that i couldnt talk to him. I used to hate him b/c when i did share all my feelings with him, i would end up more hurt b/c he didnt respond the way i needed. i thought it was b/c he was a selfish jerk. i wont say that thought doesnt still cross my mind, but its less extreme.

When i was trying to sort through all the hurt and pain, my counselor talked to me about boundaries. I did a little research of my own and found this webpage:
Read through it, and then do the circle diagram exercise that's towards the end. It was a break through for me.

"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
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