DoveInTheMud

Where do I start?

I know that my husband loves me and does not want another woman in his life -ever!

And yet, before we got married, he hid from me that he had a lust problem. I only learned about that 2-3 years into our marriage.
In short, he had a one-night stand with another woman before we got married during a time where it was tough between us because we were in different countries and it wasn't sure of we were even going to get married - well, I was sure, but for some reason, he doubted that I would move to his country, so he felt alone and rejected and then was vulnerable to the advanced of another woman.
I was so madly and blindly in love that I immediately forgave him when he cried and sobbed and confessed.
An hour before that I would have sworn to leave a man who would cheat on me, but when it came down to it, I was too scared to loose the man I loved and from whom I knew that he loved me despite that despicable action.

Fast forward a few years, married, and we hit another crisis that had him feeling rejected by me, depressed, etc... and again-wham, he was alone with another woman - somebody who I thought was my friend and had allowed to stay over at my house - and he slept with her.
Four days later he confessed, all heart broken, desperate, .... again, it was like a knife was being plunged into my heart, pain churning inside of me, but again - I knew he was sorry, I knew he didn't love her but me, and again, I forgave him.
I even felt sorry for the other woman - who was alone, vulnerable, in need of friends, and I was so sure that it would not happen again, that when I was out of town I was ok with them meeting up, and of course, they had sex again.

My husband was so horrfied at himself, that he actually offered a divorce since I didn't deserve that. I was so scared of being alone, of a life without him, that again, I pretty much immediately forgave...

I was an emotional and traumatized mess for months, getting excellent counselling, but being otherwise alone with that pain and confusion - not trusting any friends or family with that horrible secret. I was so embarassed to have been cheated upon, felt cheapend, delavued, ....
Also, since the other woman was larger chested than I am, I also struggeled with major anger issues towards any large chested woman I would see on the street for a long time...

Through the years, my husband would show me repeatedly how sorry he was for having hurt me this badly, what he would not give to take that pain away and how he wanted to dedicate his life to making it up to me.

Every once in a while I would have big bouts of jealously, ... sometimes they would spark into big fights, but since jealously is also like venom to any relationship, I would also fight it, put it aside and re-assure myself that my husband would not do it again since he knows how much it hurts and is stilll struggling to fully forgive himself.

In the last 8 years, we would have several moments where I would critizise his behaviour when he was out drinking, regardless of with me or without me and other friends. We would have fights about how I was a nag, party-pooper, not ever letting him have any fun, being overly serious or uptight, etc...
My emotional scars had pretty much healed up, being only scars, and rarely acting up, but I would still have rare moments of lying in bed and feeling agony like a hot blade in my guts, especially when my husband was out late at night without me.

...

About two months ago, we faced another major crisis during which my husband confessed that he did have sex with random women while drunk, multiple times over the past 6 years .... each and every time without protection, never ever having gotten and HIV test. Some of these women I knew, having thought of them as friends. With each of them he ceased all contacts ('nc'), so he keeps assuring me that it was 'only' lustful drunken sex, without ever an emotional attachment...

... his heart was always mine, the sex was always bad or non-memorable, and he always felt horribly bad, disgusted, ashamed, etc... afterwards.


Now I don't know how to deal with this pain and anger.
I want to forgive again, but how can I know that THIS TIME, he'll truly change, that THIS TIME, he won't do it again, and THIS TIME, my trust, after having been so carefully rebuilt won't again be trampled?

He agreed to never drink again, since every incidence over the last 6 years was alcohol related. He agreed to never again to be alone with a woman.
He also agreed to start to exercise and do activities with me that will help him ward of feelings of depression and rejection.


...I still love him, I still think he is genuine about his regret and remorse, about truly wanting to change.
But how can I protect myself from having to go through this AGAIN? What would I need to see from him, and for how long to know that this time, he is truly changing, that he is truly addressing the issues that led him to being so weak in the face of temptation (the women were always willing participants, either coming onto him or welcoming his advances).

Oh, btw, he finally got himself tested for STDs (me, too), and it came back all clean.


I know many of you will advise for me to leave him. I've considered that, too, but hearing about how common infidenlity is, it just scares me to think that I would still not have any guarantees if I were to divorce and marry somebody else.


By now, we've been married for 12 years and no children yet, but I would love to have children someday.