sacredheart

Hi everyone - just checking in because I’m not good at all..actually probably worse…I saw him yesterday…totally slipped up….I fainted in the morning (haven’t been eating) and I called him because he’s always been the one to calm me down/ease fears, etc. He lectured me and told me that I needed to eat, etc. Said that he had just made brunch for him and his daughters…I told him ok..I’m gonna grab something to eat, you’re right…so anyway, I got dolled up and got frustrated cause he didn’t ask me to come eat over there or anything..like I was surprised ya know? Cause on Friday he was texting and calling all day wanting to see me, etc. Anyway, I called him and asked him if he had money because I paid for the cell phone bill and didn’t get any from him..said that I was going to go get brunch or something somewhere cause he didn’t invite me over…told him I felt stupid for even saying anything but I feel like he should be up my ass (I know this is crazy as I shouldn’t even be talking to him..I think it’s a rejection thing)..anyway..he said he didn’t ask at first because he doesn’t want to deal with my funk…then he said that he was going to ask me to come over but I told him I was going to get something to eat…he lost reception and he texted “can’t keep reception, come on over”…then he texted and said “I would love to see you. I would love to hug you. I would love to feel your lips on mine. I would love to touch you and watch your stress melt away.”

Anyway, because I looked so smoking (I threw on the hottest black summer dress that he’s never seen me in – lol) I really just wanted to swing by so he could see what he was losing out on and to say thanks for the money I’m going to brunch with a friend now….I was in a weird state of mind yesterday…I’m all whacked out and not thinking rationally…anyway, I would up staying there..he asked me to hang out with him and his daughters go to the park, etc. Well, I totally did…I don’t know why and I knew I shouldn’t have but I did…He was really nice all day…kept trying to force feed me as I wasn’t hungry…we didn’t talk about anything other than if he ever told the OW that he had a girlfriend..he told me he doesn’t think so…he also told me that they never were a couple…just went on a few dates…

Anyway, the whole day I played super cool/fun me because I kept thinking I’m going to cut it off with him and this is the side I want him to remember..not the crazy me..

I feel SOOOOOOOOOOOO stupid and regretful for doing so though. I totally think that my plan backfired..I’m feeling like crap now because I’m wondering if he just hung with me yesterday because he feels sorry for me…you know how I fainted and everything and needed attention…I don’t think he would have asked to see me otherwise…

I have a feeling that the cigarette butts with lipstick were from her…just feel like she’s been lurking around for awhile…she wants him so bad…when he broke up with her for me she went psycho on him...

That gets me to is he really not wanting to be with ME anymore? Is he falling for her? I just don’t know what to do? I just don’t know how to get strong…to walk away…I’ve never been so weak in my entire life…was it a mistake? Does he really want to get married and change? Or is all of that thrown out of the window because I slipped and was cool with him yesterday?

I wish I just knew for sure…I wish I could reach out to her and have her be honest but I know that will never happen…even if she did and they just hooked up that night was it just a mistake? Or if she’s been around the whole time? I mean, if she said she’s been around the whole time how do I know she’s not lying about that because she wants us to really not be together and that’s her way to break us up?

I feel like the biggest idiot right now…I feel so sad that I’m even having to tell you this but I have to be honest with someone and you’ve all been my support through this whole thing…

I’m just a wreck..not feeling like myself..once again afraid to lose HIM…I feel rejected…like she’s better than me…that she won, etc.

I'm just losing my mind..can't focus on anything but him and the what if's, etc...

What do I do?