| | Re: new here,and a question
I am in a really bad way right now. Im so depressed these past 4 days especially have been really bad for me. I think its because it just hit me that this is really happening. Now that it has finally set in I feel much much worse than I did before. I see no light at the end of the tunnel for myself. Someone suggested I go see a counselor, part of me wishes I could but when I moved, I moved back with my parents and they live in a "hick" town with no more than a medical clinic. I don't have a vehicle to go to the nearest city if I wanted to see one either, it is with H. I flew home. Both my parents need their vehicles for work.
Past 4 days I haven't really been getting out of my bed. Ive been taking sleeping pills at night so I don't have to think. Not showering(I know its gross).I think I have been wearing the same clothes for a week and a half I cant really remember how long its been. I watched a couple shows on tv but they really bring me down cause everything that's on it is about happy couples or unhappy couples, all the sitcoms have married couples it seems and now I notice every time a man is wearing a wedding ring(even in commercials). Its rotten. I try eating at the supper table with my family but sometimes I excuse myself because it is just really painful to sit there and listen to them talk about they're daily activities, hearing all the gossip about who's dating who and all that garbage. There used to be a spot beside me where H sat before we were married and moved away from home. Back then he was head over heels in love with me, he wanted to be with me more than I wanted to be with him, I had to tell him to back off sometimes.
Im trying not to dwell on the past but I accidentally came across an email from him 2 months before we got married and it was all "im so excited to be married to you..i love you so much, I wish it was today I cant wait, 2 months left...blah blah blah".
Also there is a box hidden in my closet jammed packed full of all the love letters he wrote me over the years which is eating away at me. I haven't come to bring myself to open it or dispose of it yet, still I know it is in there. And sitting in my bedroom is the bed we used to sleep on together, the mirror we used to look into, countless other things, which are all very painful, its not like you can just throw out an entire bed set.
I don think I'll ever be able to get over this. BrighterL asked my age- I'm 22 turning 23 in the fall. I didn't want to say my age because when people are "young" and going through this they seem to lose all credibility that it is hard. People assume because you're so young you're going to be able to pick yourself up no problem, get your life on track, end up falling in love again, and maybe eventually get married again.
I have been through hell and back numerous times, done just about everything a person can do in life, and feel no need to just carry on anymore. So what if Im only 22, I really have nothing else to give to life in general. I don't see the point in doing it, if you're not happy and you know you'll never be happy, why bother.
I know this sounds depressing, but it isn't to me I just see it as reality. Do you guys think that is a screwed up way of thinking? I can honestly say I don't.
Don't really intend for anyone to answer back, just writing.