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Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

19K views 90 replies 50 participants last post by  rachaelm 
#1 ·
Male, married 26 years, 2 college age kids, success reason:

Because both of us took the words "till death do us part" seriously. We committed to the institution of marriage, and the two of us are just in it for the ride. Do we always love each other, yes. Do we always like each other, no.
Take each other for granted, yes. We both take for granted the knowledge that the other is committed, and whatever our arguments, there will be the two of us when it is ironed out.
So many of today's relationships die because the parties only know about "me". They have been raised in the "me" generation, they have been forever (mostly falsely) praised by their parents so as to not hurt their self esteem. Momma and daddy have never let them struggle through something, and blatantly fail, so they have no skills to put together an ensuing plan to succeed. They have been given everything and told that they can have everything the want in life.....BS.
They are self centered and egotistical immature people who do not understand that their partner is not there to make them happy and constantly pump up their fragile ego.
 
#2 ·
I would agree with every thing you say except the "ME" deade was the 1970's and was actually ours (born in late 60s - children of the 70s - teens of the 80s)

What you are referring to are the ENTITLED generation - Gen-Xers and all born thereafter lol

lovingly referred to as the ME ME ME generation by Ben Stein

cool article about exactly what you are saying

Every Every Every Generation Has Been the Me Me Me Generation - Elspeth Reeve - The Atlantic Wire

(P.S. I think frankly that MOST people are selfish and self-centered regardless of when they were born and raised.....but I completely know what you are talking about)
 
#4 ·
Also...having been divorced once and it being one of the most painful experiences of my life, I don't really like it when anyone just assumes they know that divorces occur due to me or my ex-h or both of us being "self centered and egotistical immature people who do not understand that their partner is not there to make them happy and constantly pump up their fragile ego."

Harumph.
 
#10 ·
I think he is referring to marriage vows meaning until death do us part and that being an honest decision made. You being divorced obviously felt at some point the wrongs in the marriage outweighed the vows taken. I am not judging your decision, I am just stating that for some marriage actually is supposed to mean until death do us part.
you hear it all the time on TAM that "life is too short" , "no kids, move on, its not worth it"
well it is not worth it if "you" are more important that the "union" created when the vows were taken.
again, I firmly believe the religious part of marriage to be a joke and that vows show intent and intent only. That we are responsible for ourselves and cannot depend on anyone to make us happy nor can we let others stomp all over the marriage and just live with it. Past generations treated the vows differently though as a percentage, right or wrong.

I do not necessarily agree with the poster that marriages fail due to people not working through the difficulty, I do believe to an extent that what the poster is saying is true to a degree due to the simple fact that people are so ready to cheat and lie in todays world and it is today so much easier to have affairs that it is simply more of a norm than ever before and in this context is generational in nature.
 
#5 ·
Male, married 26 years, 2 college age kids, success reason:

Because both of us took the words "till death do us part" seriously. We committed to the institution of marriage, and the two of us are just in it for the ride. Do we always love each other, yes. Do we always like each other, no.
Take each other for granted, yes. We both take for granted the knowledge that the other is committed, and whatever our arguments, there will be the two of us when it is ironed out.
So many of today's relationships die because the parties only know about "me". They have been raised in the "me" generation, they have been forever (mostly falsely) praised by their parents so as to not hurt their self esteem. Momma and daddy have never let them struggle through something, and blatantly fail, so they have no skills to put together an ensuing plan to succeed. They have been given everything and told that they can have everything the want in life.....BS.
They are self centered and egotistical immature people who do not understand that their partner is not there to make them happy and constantly pump up their fragile ego.
If we are throwing generational stones though...

Who were the parents of the parents who raised their kids as such, hmmm? Whic adults should we blame for the kids? Lets put a year on when everything went wrong. I blame Hoover.

(The article is hilarious, people always complain about generational gaps. Get off my lawn with your hip hop music.)
 
#46 ·
Heck let's blame the King of England as it is HIS regime that brought us to America anyway!!!
I think you're dead on here. Let's be blunt, he pulled the ultimate "ME" move by killing off wives and when the Catholic church wouldn't allow him to divorce them, he said "I'm the King damnit, I'll just start MY OWN religion so I can toss these ladies aside...even though I'm the one who's chromosomally challenged".
 
#8 ·
I've seen too many marriages with the OP philosophy who are so unhappy in their marriages that they spread their unhappiness to their kids and everyone they know. To me its parallel to Ralph Waldo Emerson's quote but I would say foolish commitment is the hob goblin of little minds instead.

I, like many have had a long marriage and mostly a good one and we try to work through our issues. And we have had significant issues. The part about your philosophy that I like is addressing the issues. However it is foolish to think all issues can be resolved to both parties satisfaction for everyone.

Things are a lot more grey and relative for many people especially those that did not choose a good partner. Attributing irreconcilable differences to selfishness and a lack of commitment is just putting your head in the sand to the realities of human nature.
 
#9 ·
A good marriage is about waiting for the right person. The person you marry must share your core values. You need to look for someone who in their core matches you. To do this you must first know who you are and what you believe.

You also need the patience to search for what you desire and look past the outside. I have seen friends marry because she was beautiful but inside she was a total beach. As her looks faded so did the relationship. I have friends who have good marriages because they waited, looked past exterior beauty and found a compatible mate.

The "me" generation is a term given to the late 60s babies because they had more creature comforts growing up. Todays kids have even more comforts. Does that mean they can't carry a meaningful relationship? I hope not.

My children were raised with god, with rules, with character and with responsibility. They know the value of hard work because my wife and I demonstrated that to them. They have self respect, respect for others and love of god and country. I think it's about the example set by the parents not allowing them to be raised without guidance and morals.

So you want a great next generation then step up and raise your children. Teach them the values they will need to carry a relationship that you will be proud of by making kids with values you and they can be proud of.

It starts with you, with example step by you. Teach them god, respect and love by demonstration.
 
#19 ·
A good marriage is about waiting for the right person. The person you marry must share your core values. You need to look for someone who in their core matches you. To do this you must first know who you are and what you believe.

You also need the patience to search for what you desire and look past the outside. I have seen friends marry because she was beautiful but inside she was a total beach. As her looks faded so did the relationship. I have friends who have good marriages because they waited, looked past exterior beauty and found a compatible mate.
:iagree: ridiculously well said. hats off to you.
 
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#12 ·
The only reason divorce is more common now is because people aren't willing to put up with so much crap as they did before because of society. Women now can live independently without having to worry about the views on divorced women. And men don't have to hid the fact that they married a cheating tramp and can show her the door and lock it too.
 
#13 ·
Yet everyone says D is one of the most painful things they ever went through. Maybe working things out like they did in the old days isn't that bad after all.

You say they "put up with crap", back then. Hmmm, maybe some did.

Still, I don't believe for a second that people getting D today are any "happier" (god I love that term!) than their grandparents who stuck it out when things got tough.
 
#18 ·
Perhaps I chose the wrong words when I used "me generation".
It was not to point to one particular generation, but rather to the more and more prevalent feeling that everything and everyone must be about "me", or I'll just walk out.

There was no ill meant toward those who divorce, sometimes you are not even given any options for change. And I know the pain, having had my first wife, without even a prior hint of trouble, announce one night that she just did not love me any more, and was moving her stuff out the next day. No chance for even trying to solve whatever problems she perceived in her mind.

Yes, after 25 plus years, we still have some pretty heavy arguments, and sometimes one of us will say something that gives the other cause for a "what the hell is that about" moment, but there has never been the fear that anything will destroy our marriage, except for the mutually held idea that cheating would be a definite game ender for both of us.

As for the poster who said that people no longer have to take crap....there is always crap that must be dealt with. I'm not talking about physical abuse or tolerating cheating, just trivial crap that gets blown way out of proportion; like not making a big deal about a new outfit, or not buying a card for some occasion, or looking at an attractive stranger.
 
#21 ·
Some may have stayed in a crappy M too long it's true. But today we're just as quick to bolt as soon as the going gets a little rough.

You don't have to read many posts here to see that's the case.

Marriage is a commitment to your god (if you have one) and the world that you'll stick with your partner through thick and thin, better or worse, and all that crap. Heck it's even in the vows!

Or until one or the other "isn't happy". How convenient.

This is what I find most frustrating about TAM, and why I've found little helpful advice here. It's not about making it work for both partners, it's more about giving up, moving on and "trying" again. What a sad joke.
 
#22 ·
A perfect summary of the gist of my original post and kind of what I see so much of here also.
Please help me, I want a divorce because:
I did not get a big enough present
My husband/wife looked at the attractive person we passed
No rave reviews on new dress/suit
Trivial, shallow, self centered BS.
 
#23 ·
You make it sound like marriage was about self-sacrifice... well... it's not to my mind... or it should not be.

If the man sacrifices and the woman sacrifices and both figure they would be better off without that marriage... what is the point of that marriage then again? Making both parties unhappy?

Yes... and sometimes not getting presents or your spouse looking at strangers all the time is a sign for some deeper problems by which the marriage is plagued. Sometimes it is - sometimes it is not.

As for me-generationers. I think it is wrong to expect that your life should be free from hardship. It is not the way the world works... and part of being an responsible adult is to not run away from it... face it... put your smile on your face each day and do your duty... but if a persons life is only hardship... no fun only hardship and sacrifice that person must ask himself or herself if he or she has been searching for hardship (may be without knowing it).

While it is unrealistic to expect your partner to be perfect. Issues: everybody has them and they do not make you a person less worthy of ones partners love... but if both partners make the other unhappy... why safe the marriage?

There is nothing noble about doing your duty and stumbling on if it only makes everybody involved unhappy.

By the way: I do not want a divorce. I am just stating my opinion about marriage in general.
 
#35 ·
Perhaps for some it's a bit too rational. But it is something to strive for. Being rational is this way is being true to yourself despite the love buzz. One needs to realize that the fog obscures reality and may lead you down the wrong path.

And yes, I have fallen for someone not my type and it felt sooo good. Reason won out over the love buzz thankfully. Being in touch with what I really want out of life and knowing how to achieve it helped me make the right decisions to keep my marriage stable.
 
#37 ·
Also - how many "me" generation folks here on TAM are the ones who immediately suggest divorce the moment there's any hint of a problem? That you "only live once" and that "you are too young for that." There are different expectations from or for spouses these days, and I'd say thoughts about sex have vastly changed.

Culture as a whole has changed, trying to say its just one group out of the whole spectrum is kind of off.
 
#38 ·
Till death us do part seems like an insane thing to vow to anyone. But I suppose it depends on what your values are with regards to life. Do you value committment over learning, journey, development etc. I agree that many people maybe come and go from marriage and/or committment too quickly, but I don't believe that one should sacrifice one's happiness, integrity, journey in life simply because one made a committment however many years ago to someone who at the time was the right person to be with.

How can we know where we will be and how we will develop in 15, 20, 30 years? Can we promise that we will be the same person? Can we promise we will not change? Can we promise that we are the full embodiment of ourselves at the age we got married? Doesn't make sense to me one bit. We are all on a journey and carry our baggage with us.

I am not sure I see the big tragedy in breaking the contract of marriage. If the only reason to stay is because we have committed, that is not reason enough for me. Though we may go through rough patches and that is true of any relationship we have in life, we only learn by working it through and communicating, but sometimes in order to move forward we need to let go, and sometimes we need to work it through. Neither solution is more valuable than the other.
 
#40 ·
Re: Re: Too many "me" generationers for successful marriage

Till death us do part seems like an insane thing to vow to anyone. But I suppose it depends on what your values are with regards to life. Do you value committment over learning, journey, development etc. I agree that many people maybe come and go from marriage and/or committment too quickly, but I don't believe that one should sacrifice one's happiness, integrity, journey in life simply because one made a committment however many years ago to someone who at the time was the right person to be with.

How can we know where we will be and how we will develop in 15, 20, 30 years? Can we promise that we will be the same person? Can we promise we will not change? Can we promise that we are the full embodiment of ourselves at the age we got married? Doesn't make sense to me one bit. We are all on a journey
I assume you believe the journey is an individual activity and mutuality exclusive of your partner's? I don't find it to be that way.
 
#39 ·
"I am not sure I see the big tragedy in breaking the contract of marriage."

^^^ LOL

Well then, you have 3 options.

1. Don't get married.

2. Change your vows to something you can agree with.

3. Profess the standard vows before your god and families, file for D, and admit your integrity blows.
 
#42 ·
I think too many people go into marriage without due thought and consideration because they know they can bail as soon as the shine wears off. Work on it? Why, when there's surely something better out there. It's not a vow, it's a parking permit. I want to park in that space for a while and if I'm not happy, I'll just drive off.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#44 · (Edited)
I am from Gen X... I am also the youngest of my family, and had a crappy upbringing in a rather toxic household filled with years of animosity. I longed for a happy family. I found, at age 20, someone else who said he also wanted the white picket fence. He said all of the right things. We married ridiculously young- I was barely 21. Five years later we had a child (our only).

I put up with 11 years of abuse before I left, and I did so after he refused to get counseling. I guess I am somewhat bothered by being lumped into this formula, as I tried, and wanted to make things work. But by the time I walked I was so emotionally detached there was nothing left to save.

I'm happier now alone, still struggling with bouts of PTSD and major trust issues. I am hoping that now that I am older, wiser, and more in tune to things that really matter... that some day I can find peace and happiness faith someone.

When I read some of these stories about men that would do anything to bring their wife back it makes me so sad... some people really have no idea. If nothing else my life has taught me how unimportant so many things are -- the big house, the super hot spouse, and even that picket fence...
 
#45 ·
You're right, Pepper; people get caught up in materialism, only to find out that it is what is inside that counts.

Thanks for your post.:)
 
#47 ·
I am always skeptical when I read that the younger generations are deemed inferior or not as good as the older ones. There is no lack of selfishness or materialism among couples with many years of "successful" marriage.
We should not confuse length of marriage with healthy marriage.
My parents and grandparents never divorced, but none were happy in their marriage.
I am happy in mine but I was not led by example, that's for sure.
 
#48 ·
They say every generation had a self centered portion. It's usually based around an age range.
 
#52 · (Edited)
Divorce is easier now, it's that simple. It may be very painful, but so is being forced to stay in a marriage because you have no other recourse.

Women of previous generations were often utterly ruined by divorce. Swallowing every bit of their self-respect and tolerating her husband's mistresses and his ways was preferable to being the object of social shame and all that went with it. And now with women more financially successful it means that eventually the financial wreckage that men have suffered over the last 50 or so years in divorce courts will also become less. The laws have been changing for some time and will continue to.

It's not just about "me". Fact is that women are more able to live singly now, and many men like that. It means women are more available, it means more opportunities for love and sex, it means that they don't expect you to take care of them since they can take care of themselves, but they're pleased for what you do for them (well....often times). I love my wife, but I do not want to be her gatekeeper. I have my own life and I want her to live hers, and as long as we both want to share it, what more can I ask? And if that means one day she ends up leaving me, so be it.

It's not easy to find someone you can continue to love throughout your life, and sometimes it takes a couple of tries, but I don't agree with the general lament about marriage--men and women will still want to share love unless misunderstanding between the sexes becomes really bad. That desire won't go away. It's just that finding the one that you are willing to share it all with is hard.

And some people are just not cut out for it. They get married because of the dream, and then realize too late that it's not for them. Let them go, as they say.
 
#54 ·
My parents would be part of the more patient generation. They have been married almost forty years, of five kids, two died, one suffers greatly from illness and two prosper. They have saved and still live modestly, despite being now more financially secure than they could have hoped.

They were very pleased with my fiance when we got married. Less then two years later my Dad tires of me waiting to say anything and mentions that if I do go for a divorce I will have his full support.

Thankfully, he did not get smug and superior as he was born a generation before me.
 
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