| | Differences in Dealing with Teen Agers
My wife and I can't get on the same page when it comes to handling our teenagers.
I know I am supposed to support my wife, but I don't always agree with her. I am away at work and she is home with the kids. When I come home, I find out they have had an argument and my wife wants me to deal with them. I deal with them in my way, and then I am in trouble for not doing what my wife wanted. If she deals with them, and tells them they can't do something, then I support her. But often she will tell them no, but, "Ask your dad". They ask me and I can't see why they can't go to a friends house for a couple of hours, so I say sure. Then the fight is on.
My wife grew up in a very strict home. Her father was an alcoholic and was always saying mean things to her. If she went out, he accused her of 'being a ****'. He never trusted her when she was a teenager (talking 16-17 years old). I met her in college and when we got close, I remember her talking about her father and crying about the way he made her feel growing up. When my wife did go out, she somewhat rebelled. Her friends were into smoking pot and she did her share as well. She lost her virginity when she was 16 and had sex with maybe 4 or 5 guys in high school. She never really dated anyone, because she wasn't allowed. She wasn't a ****, but she wasn't a saint either.
I grew up with very little supervision. I was the youngest of five kids and my parents had done the teenager thing with my older siblings. At the age of 15, I was pretty much allowed to do what I wanted. I remember being out late at night with friends who had 'snuck out' and just going home because I was bored. My friends wanted to stay out, because they weren't allowed out. I lost a couple of friends in high school because I refused to do the 'pot thing'. I had a couple of serious girlfriends while in high school and did have sex with one girl before graduation. When I was 19 (university) I went through a promiscuous period where I slept with a bunch of girls after my high school girlfriend dumped me.
Our problem is my wife doesn't trust our children and I probably trust them too much. My daughter is 16 and she will ask to go to a friends for a party. I will ask where she is going, who will be there, will there be parents, when will she be home and I accept her answers and will usually let her go. My wife, asks the same questions, but challenges the answers. She will sometimes be in a bad mood and accuse my daughter of being ****ty. Accuse her of doing things that she might be doing, but my wife has no proof of. My daughter has cried and told me that her mother makes her feel like she is terrible. Makes her want to do the things her mother has accused her of.
My wife complains that she always has to be the 'bad guy' and discipline the kids. But she is the one that chooses to be the bad guy.
My wife wants me to be the same as her.
Why can't she be the same as me?
My kids ask me something and instead of answering the way I think I should, I think, what would their mother want. I ask a bunch of questions mostly because I know their mother will be pissed if I don't. If it is 2 in the afternoon and my daughter wants to go to her friends house for a couple of hours before supper. I would just say sure, be home by 5. But because I know what her mother is like I ask, "What are you going to do?" "Where are you going?" "Will anyone else be there?"
I feel like I am giving her the third degree for no reason. Only to appease her mother.
How do we solve this problem that is causing my wife and I to not get along?