Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - Not sure if I want to carry on with H or not, help

walkingwounded · 07-07-2011, 08:25 AM

I feel I am at a pivotal point in our marriage and need some advice as to how to progress from here.

Quick background: my H had an EA with a co-worker. I found out, got upset/angry/sad, went through the whole gamut of emotions. I always knew I wanted to work through it, and we have been doing MC. It appears that for him it was the ego boost of a pretty girl making it obvious she had the hots for him that he liked, and some skewing of what is appropriate and what is not.

We have been working through. I pulled back a couple of weeks ago, to lower the temperature, and he has responded well. THe difficulty is that since then, my mindset has gradually shifted. We had a particularly emotional argument not long prior to me lowering the temperature,and it has been on my mind as he said some upsetting things to me about how he saw our future, plans we had made he said he wasn't happy about, wanted to change things.

I am now finding myself questioning whether in fact I *do* love him, have I been an idiot to work through things, is he taking advantage of my good nature? He has been working to rebuild trust, but I can't help feeling that I can't let go, relax and whether I truly can forgive what he did. I am fixated almost on the lies he told. I look at him like he's someone else, even though I know he isn't in touch with the OW anymore, and I know he isn't lying or deceiving me.

I feel angry, and I thought the anger had gone away. I feel angry that his actions have caused me to change how I view him, the world,and that I will never again have that feeling of completely trusting him. I miss that so much. I hate the person I am when I feel suspicious, when I question him, when I wonder if he's told me everything even now. I don't know if I really am falling out of love or if I have without realising, distanced myself, put up barriers.

What do I do? How do I move forward from this place? I knwo I am not happy and I know despite hating what he did, that if I carry on like this, pretty much ignoring him, not talking about anything or wanting to connect, that I will push him away. Our sex life in the last two weeks has gone from every day, to one time since then, and that is a huge thing for us.

Help...

07-07-2011, 08:25 AM	#1 (permalink)
walkingwounded Member Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 723	Not sure if I want to carry on with H or not, help I feel I am at a pivotal point in our marriage and need some advice as to how to progress from here. Quick background: my H had an EA with a co-worker. I found out, got upset/angry/sad, went through the whole gamut of emotions. I always knew I wanted to work through it, and we have been doing MC. It appears that for him it was the ego boost of a pretty girl making it obvious she had the hots for him that he liked, and some skewing of what is appropriate and what is not. We have been working through. I pulled back a couple of weeks ago, to lower the temperature, and he has responded well. THe difficulty is that since then, my mindset has gradually shifted. We had a particularly emotional argument not long prior to me lowering the temperature,and it has been on my mind as he said some upsetting things to me about how he saw our future, plans we had made he said he wasn't happy about, wanted to change things. I am now finding myself questioning whether in fact I do love him, have I been an idiot to work through things, is he taking advantage of my good nature? He has been working to rebuild trust, but I can't help feeling that I can't let go, relax and whether I truly can forgive what he did. I am fixated almost on the lies he told. I look at him like he's someone else, even though I know he isn't in touch with the OW anymore, and I know he isn't lying or deceiving me. I feel angry, and I thought the anger had gone away. I feel angry that his actions have caused me to change how I view him, the world,and that I will never again have that feeling of completely trusting him. I miss that so much. I hate the person I am when I feel suspicious, when I question him, when I wonder if he's told me everything even now. I don't know if I really am falling out of love or if I have without realising, distanced myself, put up barriers. What do I do? How do I move forward from this place? I knwo I am not happy and I know despite hating what he did, that if I carry on like this, pretty much ignoring him, not talking about anything or wanting to connect, that I will push him away. Our sex life in the last two weeks has gone from every day, to one time since then, and that is a huge thing for us. Help...