07-20-2011, 04:55 PM
Join Date: Feb 2011
| | Re: What's the point?
I'm just going to quote myself from sexuallyfrustrateds thread Sometime life sucks!!!
Originally Posted by Forsaken
I know the feeling... I've never understood how someone could just end it all until this all happened. A few months back my wife went against my wishes and took a job that I didn't want her to take because we would never get to see each other and I wanted so bad to work on our relationship and I didn't understand how she could put that above our relationship when she knew that what I needed at the time was her by my side to work it out.
Needless to say I had a lot of lonely nights for a long time. I started to drink a bit more than usual and my thoughts would run wild all the time because all I had was my thoughts. I would have anxiety attacks quite frequently, sometimes multiple a day so I would take my Xanax. One night I was in a really bad place and couldn't see a reason to carry on.
I sat there all alone in my dark empty house and put a pistol to my head. I couldn't do it. I couldn't hurt other people that really cared about me. I know what it's like to be the person that cares. My mom tried to kill herself multiple times when I was 18 and my sister tried to kill herself as well. I found a friend with a stomach full of pills and had to rush him to the hospital.
A friend of mine and my W killed himself at the beginning of July 2010. I see the way it has impacted every ones lives around us and I wonder how things would be if he had not commit suicide. After he died I befriend his best friend, who later on became one of the people my wife had an EA with.
I hate the way I am now. I hate myself. I hate my life. It's pretty sad when the only thing that’s really going good in life is your work life, but even that isn't going that great because my personal life has affected my work life.
I know people care about me, but sometimes I don't really feel like anyone does. But I could never put anyone through the pain I went through with my friends’ suicide and my other friend and families attempts.
When I start to feel down and the thought even crosses my mind, I think about things like who would find me, and the reaction from the person that did. I also think about the people that I know would be at my funeral. I put myself in the situation as if I was at my own funeral and it reminds me that there are a lot of people that care about me who would be devastated. It's impossible not to cry thinking about it.
To anyone that thinks about “ending it all”, I want you to know that people care about you. Your life is important to people in this world. I am grateful for you. I am grateful for your advice and the compassion and support that you have shown me as well as others on this forum. You have helped others in their time of need; you have brightened their lives and enlightened them. Thank you.
“I hope that the world turns and things get better. But I hope most of all that you understand that even though I will never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.” -V for Vendetta