Lon

To me, the pain of finding out all the details, and making the next level of rational assumptions based on the stuff you find when you decide to stop hurting yourself by digging no farther, was like a metal claw, with smaller little claws all attached to it, that goes in through your abdomen - at first there is sharp but mild cutting pain as the realization of your failure first forms in your mind. Then that claw starts latching onto strands and sinews deep in your guts that you never knew you could feel and starts tugging, it expands to your heart, espophagus, inside of your ribs and just twists so hard that it feels like death. Not a stinging pain, just a deep, tearing, crushing pain.

That kind of pain is terrifying and will scar for life. This is why cheating really really sucks, and why I will never be best friends with my ex spouse as she pictures it in her pretty little world where the marriage was just not meant to be and we can now both be magically happier. I realize she probably had no idea she could do so much damage to me, I was completely insignificant to her and she probably thought of me as some emotionless vegetable except she is completely wrong about it I am a complicated and emotional being who was paralyzed with fear of causing her one ounce of pain. Twisted is the only word that keeps coming to mind.