Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

yogaman · 01-18-2008, 10:36 AM

Hi, I'm new here. Please bear with me while I tell my story. I'm not sure you will all understand all of it b/c it involves a religion you may not fully understand the inner workings of, but I will try...

I've been married 22 years to a great woman and have 3 kids. She is a wonderful mother and has been devoted to me and our children. We were both strong Mormons when we married. Over the last 15 years or so I slowly became disenchanted with our religion; and in the last two years I learned some negative things about our church's history and my faith came crashing down. I now no longer consider myself an active Mormon.

We were having problems even before all my faith issues occurred. We are just not that compatible. I love to play sports and go places and do fun things. I would consider myself and outdoors-type of person. However, she just wouldn't do any of the outdoors things I was interested in. I try and keep myself in shape but she is not interested in that for herself and makes lots of excuses for why she doesn't exercise and keep herself up.

Part of the problems I have with her is the amount of influence the religion has on her and what is considered sin: for example, Mormons don't drink and so I can't even have a glass of wine at my dinner if I feel like. The religion even enters our bedroom and she will not explore or experiment just between the two of us b/c certain things are looked at as sinful in her eyes. In short, I feel like I'm in a cage and dying to get out!

About two years ago, I had the chance to go to a clothing-optional beach in our area. I had always been interested in naturism since I was a teenager but had never given it a second thought b/c I thought it was evil. To make a long story short, I went (alone) and found I enjoyed it very much. It is important to understand that naturism isn't about sex; I simply wanted to get a tan w/o having to wear a swimsuit and to feel the freedom of no clothing on me when I go in the water - it's about as simply as that! I also don't have any bodily shame and don't feel that it is evil or sinful like many church members would think.

Anyway I told her about it and how much I enjoyed it and she was upset. This was about a year ago. It was wrong for me to go and not tell her about it first, but given her religious bent, she would have been upset even if I had, so it wouldn't have mattered. Needless to say, she won't even begin to try a naturist experience outdoors with me, even if I could guarantee it would only be the two of us and nobody else.

My wife has never been that open of a person or an openly affectionate person. I, on the other hand, am very much that way. I am verbal and she isn't. I would like nothing more than to hold her and be affectionate with her and do things with her that are fun and also that our kids would enjoy. She's NEVER told me that she loved me w/o me asking her about it. When I press her as to why, she just says it is not her way of showing affection. I can't tell you how much that HURTS!!!

I feel like there is this big hole in my life as far as the relationship with my wife is concerned. I think it can and should be a lot better for each of us: she doesn't have the person that she wants and neither do I.

I realize that I'm the one who has changed over the years. When we first married, I didn't start out knowing that years down the road I'd not believe in our church anymore or that I'd be a naturist, but here I am. She never expected me to change which I also think is naive on her part; people can and do change throughout their lives and in marriage too.

It is not a question of whether I love my wife or not - I do. However, I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. My children are now older. Our youngest will finish high school in about a year. I think it might be a good time to separate, even if just to get her thinking b/c she won't open up about the problems.

And just for everones info, we've been to marital counseling a few times and that didn't help that much.

I appreciate any advice that you have.

01-18-2008, 10:36 AM	#1 (permalink)
yogaman Registered User Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 5	Thinking about separating Hi, I'm new here. Please bear with me while I tell my story. I'm not sure you will all understand all of it b/c it involves a religion you may not fully understand the inner workings of, but I will try... I've been married 22 years to a great woman and have 3 kids. She is a wonderful mother and has been devoted to me and our children. We were both strong Mormons when we married. Over the last 15 years or so I slowly became disenchanted with our religion; and in the last two years I learned some negative things about our church's history and my faith came crashing down. I now no longer consider myself an active Mormon. We were having problems even before all my faith issues occurred. We are just not that compatible. I love to play sports and go places and do fun things. I would consider myself and outdoors-type of person. However, she just wouldn't do any of the outdoors things I was interested in. I try and keep myself in shape but she is not interested in that for herself and makes lots of excuses for why she doesn't exercise and keep herself up. Part of the problems I have with her is the amount of influence the religion has on her and what is considered sin: for example, Mormons don't drink and so I can't even have a glass of wine at my dinner if I feel like. The religion even enters our bedroom and she will not explore or experiment just between the two of us b/c certain things are looked at as sinful in her eyes. In short, I feel like I'm in a cage and dying to get out! About two years ago, I had the chance to go to a clothing-optional beach in our area. I had always been interested in naturism since I was a teenager but had never given it a second thought b/c I thought it was evil. To make a long story short, I went (alone) and found I enjoyed it very much. It is important to understand that naturism isn't about sex; I simply wanted to get a tan w/o having to wear a swimsuit and to feel the freedom of no clothing on me when I go in the water - it's about as simply as that! I also don't have any bodily shame and don't feel that it is evil or sinful like many church members would think. Anyway I told her about it and how much I enjoyed it and she was upset. This was about a year ago. It was wrong for me to go and not tell her about it first, but given her religious bent, she would have been upset even if I had, so it wouldn't have mattered. Needless to say, she won't even begin to try a naturist experience outdoors with me, even if I could guarantee it would only be the two of us and nobody else. My wife has never been that open of a person or an openly affectionate person. I, on the other hand, am very much that way. I am verbal and she isn't. I would like nothing more than to hold her and be affectionate with her and do things with her that are fun and also that our kids would enjoy. She's NEVER told me that she loved me w/o me asking her about it. When I press her as to why, she just says it is not her way of showing affection. I can't tell you how much that HURTS!!! I feel like there is this big hole in my life as far as the relationship with my wife is concerned. I think it can and should be a lot better for each of us: she doesn't have the person that she wants and neither do I. I realize that I'm the one who has changed over the years. When we first married, I didn't start out knowing that years down the road I'd not believe in our church anymore or that I'd be a naturist, but here I am. She never expected me to change which I also think is naive on her part; people can and do change throughout their lives and in marriage too. It is not a question of whether I love my wife or not - I do. However, I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. My children are now older. Our youngest will finish high school in about a year. I think it might be a good time to separate, even if just to get her thinking b/c she won't open up about the problems. And just for everones info, we've been to marital counseling a few times and that didn't help that much. I appreciate any advice that you have.