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after d-day stuff..

155K views 544 replies 57 participants last post by  Shaggy 
#1 ·
a short version of my story..
been together since HS. dated on/off for 10 years..married in 2004. 1 3yr old boy.
noticed her texts messages slowly rise since mid last year, but thought nothing of it till it hit the 4000 mark..in jan.11. went back to review and noticed a high percentage to one of her coworkers... he was in unhappy marriage and was on verge of geting divorce (which he filed for in dec.10). found evidence of sext pics dating to late sept. (timestamped with pic message sent 1 min after)
. late jan i confront about the txts (not the pic i found that out later) she denies, just friends, no attraction etc.
decide to use software for blackberry to log texts (which shesbeen deleting) got 4 days worth of stuff...

finds out they have been together but for unknown amount of time..i sit on this info trying to gather more, hoping shell wake up and leave him...start doing reserch on affairs and how to handle them properly...

anyway. decided i want to save the marriage. so i confront her with my evidence on sunday...at first she denies, then says its only a EA. then i bring in other text that establish a PA (in that time she says its not cheating because no physical stuff, its not a big deal, and they broke it off weeks ago...all untrue, also said only lasted 2 1/2 months)

she does the phone call to let him know i know about affair...she cant transfer or anything i know hes not willing because hes a dept. head. but she made the decision to break it of (reluctantly) and so far stay for her family( not really me, but son..has no where to go and she knows i wont let her take him)

shes showing signs of transperancy, letting me see all texts, informing me of stuff, though shes undecided if she wants to stay in marriage. weve been going through therapy and have session next tues.

but heres my big problem and the issue i have right now.

Watching her get over the heartbreak of losing the other relationship/friendship. its killing me because shes so not engaged with me besides small talk. shes angry and says she hates me...but shes trying...she says shes lost and depressed. i dont know if they talk at work (the work together 3 days). i sent him a stern warning that i know about them and he should move on or ill go to his exwife who works for same company as well as his mom(hes a big mamas boy)

any advice how to get through this phase because i really didnt expect it to be so hard, even with a month of resaerch and prep...
 
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#409 ·
Everyone is pulling for you Elph. Its just that we don't see much hope for your wife coming back. Even if she does, she has treated you as bad as any wayward I have seen here. Not that she has been as mean mouthed as some, but in total heart breaking disrespect. While you may not realize it, you have slowly been building a shield around your heart. One day you will look at her and wonder how and why you ever hesitated in putting her in your rear view mirror.

Your biggest regret will be that you can't get the time back you've wasted. Look at the loser she is with, why would you want someone that had anything to do with him. He even has an STD, possibly from another man.

And number one, your son deserves much, much better.

The biggest thing keeping her away is she thinks you are sitting home pining away. GO OUT ON A DATE AND MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS IT. The prettiest girl you can find preferably that she knows if possible. Maybe there are some websites out there that can help with how to win back a girl but jealousy will always be your biggest arrow. If it doesn't work, nothing will.
 
#411 ·
My favorite way to get around this, if you have kids together, is that, when you have kid exchange, be all dressed up when you drop off the kids, and take off. You don't have to tell your spouse where you're going, or with whom. How would he/she know you're just going to hang out at the library?

Keep 'em thinking.
Yes!

Elph needs to hit the department stores and buy himself some cool threads, shoes and cologne. He needs to have one of the sales girls help him pick out and coordinate what he's going to wear. He needs to go hit a hair salon and get a new 'do. When he drops the kid off he needs to look and smell as fine as he can, then hit the clubs that night and flirt with as many chicks who'll talk to him.

Or he can stay at home alone and play Portal or some warcraft game that nerds like to play and be celibate for the next ten years.
 
#412 ·
Somehow i have the suspicion that she will come chasing after him once he starts dating other women or once she realizes that he moved on.(Similar to how she runs after the OM after he stops communicating)

Until then, she will think of him as a back up option that she can fall back on if things don't work out with OM. The OM is not manipulating her. You are giving him way more credit than you should. Your wife is an adult that can make rational judgement.

Elph, I think you should close the door at some point. You don't want to teach your son that treating a husband like this is OK.
 
#413 ·
Couple of things.

My wife has never been that smart. Shes rather naive. My therapist had a word for it. Emotional immaturity i think. Or emotionally uneducated.
She is actually really easy to manipulate. Because she uses her feelings more than logic. I've known it all these years and didn't use it that much. There was a few times I did. But never felt good about it.

Also. Bought 3 new suits and such at Christmas time. A gift to my self

Cue Barney Stinson.
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#419 ·
This is now approaching the 1 year mark in this saga, sort of like HurtinginTN.

Sorry elph, but the fact that it's gone on this long shows you're not going to be able to let her go. Just like HurtinginTN, the first time she begs for R, you're going to cave. I hope that won't be the case, but it seems like you're just waiting out the affair by what you've posted.
 
#420 ·
hey guys,


i understand what everybody's saying. i really do. and i am moving on very slowly in my own way.
on the flip side of that, everything ive read has said most affairs dont last more than 2 years. in my wifes case hes broken up with her once, and shes broken up with him 5 times. each time waiting longer to get back togther with him. her therapist as wemll as mine has saidits because she has touble breaking off these kinds of connections emotionally. logically, she sees it, and as her therapist has said, shes gone from seeing red flags to fire works.
as well i think shes put her self in a pickle with it being work related.

for all of us, logically, we would say she should just transfer or find a new job. heck if she wanted to she could force him to transfer when its all said and done. i personally think they should both be transfered and her company should wipe their hands of the situation, but at the same time would love to see him gone because hes faced zero consequences from this whole situation. his manager defends him no matter what and it makes him seem invincible.but she really doenst want to leave her store. so that inhibits her decisions. not making excuses, i just know how she thinks.


as for this whole epididymitis thing. the ex told me he got it in early 2010.well before the affair started. that the doctor said it was from lack of "release", that soldiers get it from time to time. i dont buy that either. anyway. they put him on powerful antibiotics, him and his wife were already kinda "dried up" in terms of sex, so they didnt do anything while he was on meds. so she never got anything and has been tested since then. since the 2 of the 3 ways of getting it are chlamidia or ghonnorea (the third being bacterial infection, mostly e.coli) are treatable stds with antibiotics. it was possible for the condition to come and go and be he end of it. its basically a male urinary tract infection.

my wife, since being with him has had several urinry tract or bladder infections. shes been on antibiotics every time to treat it. and oddly enough she had another one 4 days before i brought this up. she has been since tested and came up negative.the most likely reason she keeps getting the infections. because she doesnt finish her antibiotics all the way through, and the fact that hes rather large he "stretchs" her a bit which may lead to bacterial infections and well as pressure on her bladder....i know, way too much info, but thats what my curiosity gets me

the thing that gets me is, the ex wasnt at the dr.s office when he got examined, so he couldve lied about it. then he got pissy when he knew that i found out and tried to say it was none of my business. however we know that i have every right to know all things considered. but the thing is im in his head, and he fears me. its already been shown that im far smarter than he can ever hope to be, he knows that not only am i well researched, but also his ex will tell me everything. he also kow that if hes hiding anything else, i could find out. like how did he epididymitis in the first place. the more than likely scenario. he cheated on her before.
him and his ex have an odd history. she was 29 he was 19 when they started dating. he was her first partner, and she says that she was his. but now its possible not his only.

so thats the whole thing with the epididymitis. im the only one who hasnt been tested and thats because i just havent had time to get to a doctor. i have a check up next month and will do it then. though i also had a check up last april around my birthday, and they found nothing. (except im pre diabetic and was though to have an enlarged heart)
 
#421 ·
now

as for the moving on and dating thing.
i di go out last night with a friend. talked to a few people, but nothing happened.

got messed up by drinking a little too much of this beer called racer 5. which i s odd cuz i can pack a way a 6 pack of regular beer no prob. but this stuff messed me up.

anyway, we waled back to my friends house and he went inside and i passed out in my car hoping to wake up in an hour to drive home.

well apperaently my friends girlfriend (who also work with my wife and are my "spies") came out and saw me passed out and texted my wife.

i started getting a slew of texts worried about me, asking if i wanted to drive over (about 10 blocks from where i was parked) and spend the night. how i should just sleep there or call a cab, but not to do anything stupid. that she was scared for me. how she was working on "getting her head out of her ass".how hre and my son wouldnt know what theyd do if they lost me. and a few other things. i guess i text her back and told he i was fine and that i wouldnt do anything stupid. and was able to drive home (around 4 in the morning) and got home safe.

ive basically been recovering the whole day. but it was nice to get out.

somebody made the suggestion on those days i drop off to dress nicer and not explain myself. something i already have in the works.

as well yesterday daytime i took my kid to the zoo. he had so much fun and was pointing out the animals and taking me to the exhibits. when we left he said maybe next time mommy can come with us.


i know not everybody agrees with what i do, and some people dont see my situation as salvageable. and it might not be. and i have to face the facts that i have to start moving forward. regardless. and thats not really a bad thing. im not completely holding out that we may reconcile.

but when my son says that, THATS why i leave the door ajar to give the opportunity for it to happen, if shes willing to do the work and follow the foundation i have in mind for reconciliation. because he deserves a whole family.

some people say that im teaching him something negative by that, and i see that point of view, but i also think i can teach him how to go through adversity, how to handle bad situations with dignity, and how to show compassion and to look at the bigger picture as well as how to fight for your family.

also, if i get to the OM somehow, i can teach him about how you dont F with a mans family.
 
#422 · (Edited)
the fact that hes rather large he "stretchs" her a bit which may lead to bacterial infections and well as pressure on her bladder.
This guy is a masochist. I wonder what his breaking point will be? Elph. I am not sure how low your self esteem is but these are horrible words for any husband to hear.


You said that you were in a fog, but now you are in a much better state. But is it possible that you are in a different fog now?


Can you tell us more about your counselor? I think he is a little bit too pro marriage here

that she was scared for me. how she was working on "getting her head out of her ass".how hre and my son wouldnt know what theyd do if they lost me.
Yeah, right.I mean, how else can she show her concern about you other than f*cking this other guy. Your wife is manipulative here whether she knows it or not. Maybe she does not realize that she is doing it but she is manipulative. She is keeping you on the hook either in case the other relation does not work out or some emotional tampon. You said that she was emotionally immature. But how else is she going to learn from her actions if she will not face the consequences. You do something, face bad consequences, you stop doing that. If she is a slow learner(emotionally), it might take her a couple of extra times, but she will only learn once she faces the consequences. She will have to learn to be more mature But you think doing so is manipulative. I hate seeing such a good stand up guy like you going through such hell



if shes willing to do the work and follow the foundation i have in mind for reconciliation.
with the way things are going right now, she won't. She will need to grow up a lot. But will she if she has no reason to?
 
#426 ·
I don't like it. None of it. I only approach the problem of her urinary tract infections froma clinical point of view why she's had so many more since dating this *******.
There is a bit of disconnect when I start trying to figure things out.
Because, like everyone else, when you find out your spouse is having an affair, you want answers. I've gotten some from her, her mom (when they talk) and our friends.

I'm very well aware how some part of her gets excited by this. Again her main reason for being with this guy is because he makes her feel special. So anything that stokes that emotional fire is ultimately good for her. My approach has to not contact her unless nesasscary. When I do drop offs I try to stay some what cold. And most definatly calm.
And weve (myself and her family) been trying to show her the consequences of her actions. She tries to get me to do stuff for her when I drop off my son. Or to plan family time together. As much as it hurts I've had to decline alot.
People may think I get off on this or enjoy it. I don't. Would I love to go into that store and beat him within an inch of his life for all to see. Hell yeah. Would I like to go off on my wife and leave her in a pool of her own emotional sludge. Absolutley. But the law protects him. And if I become "emotionally abusive" sh can use that against me. So my best bet is to keep quiet and bide my time. My main concer has to and has. Een for my son so I have to be very conscious how I act when he's around.

As for my self esteem. When this whole thing started. I was in the red. But have battled back. I'm. Nowhere where I was before this. But I am better and stronger.
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#427 ·
Also.
Started the southbeach diet today. I'm currently 180. (at 5'7"). Need to get down to 165 (stupid good tasting winter foods/beer). Spring/summers coming sonic I'm gonna be out there again, got look my best / feel my best. This is something in doing for me, plus getting my health back on track for my son.
Phase one sucks and won't be easy but I'll be happy to make it through a week.
Nothing happens over night. Including my healing or my marriage dissolution or reconcilliation. But if I'm focused on the right things. The right things will happen.
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#429 ·
Here's is exactly your problem. Your focused on the wrong things. She is not coming back until you turn on her.

You called him an a$$ hole, him and your wife are two peas in a pod. While you are suffering shes riding HIM. It would have been kinder if she had ran you over with a truck. There is only one possible thing you control that could possibly have an effect and thats to start hanging out with other women and make sure she knows it. You can't do that because she has ripped off your manhood and you have lost your courage.

Lastly, reread your thread, and grade yourself on how much progress you have made. I say little or none.

Then grade yourself on what a good father should have done. I say just about as bad an exampl as possible.
 
#433 · (Edited)
And she's not likely too either because you're still the back up plan. She has no reason to move forward to anything because she's enjoying her cake. She gets to bang OM while keeping you in reserve. She knows she's got you hooked to her through your son and that you're faithfully waiting out the affair.

No hurry at all.

So if your son was going thru what you're going thru, what would you advise him after seeing the pain and agony he's going thru while his wife cuckolds him?
 
#434 ·
if my son was going through this, id tell him to decide what he wants and to do what he thinks is necessary for his given scenario.

id also tell him that affairs dont last and that he has to decide if he would truly want her back. and at what cost.


but again, you assume that i enjoy whats going on.

ill state where i stand again.


i am trying to move on. im sorry its not as fast as some people would like.
there have been times when she broke up with him, times when she seemed adamant to move on, even having HR involved at her work. im not saying i would have gotten back together with her then, but i am saying that if she put for the "heavy lifting" then there could be a chance if she wanted to come back.

but because there is a son involved, whos dad had been the child of divorce. my perspective is alittle different than just "dump the ***** and move on"

nobody wants to believe that im taking steps, then fine. but i am.

but they arent as immediate and grandiose as people seem to require.

to even get back out there, to be with another woman takes some emotional enrgy that i cant muster up as easily as some. sorry.

does my wife use the fact that we have a son as a way to get to me and or come back to the marriage. yes.
if there is a chance at reconciliation, i will CONSIDER it, but that is based of the same basic premise that everybody seems to state in order for reconciliation to happen.
no contact
transperency/honesty/openness
etc...

i realize i have no control over what happens. that the only thing i have control over is myself.everybody seems to think that im the same as i was on d-day. but i know that im not. i know there've been changes. i know that i am already starting to move on, flirting a litlle with women here and there.

but its also just not that easy.
again, i have my son 5 nights a week. ontop of the other things that make it hard to meet women.that said, im not exactally 100% confident in myself, nor am i emotionally available to even want to be in another relationship. hell that s the last thing i need at this point.not only that i havent dated anybody else in 17 years, i just cant get right back up on the saddle ya know.

for all intents and purposes we are heading our seperate ways.

im selling the house and getting my own place. trying to do my own thngs. but our son is still the main priority and there are times when contact is unavoidable. we keep a normal as possible routine for him. so he gets to see both of us as much as possible.


as well everybody acts like my wife is some viscous harpy intent on destroying all that comes in her path.thats not the case. im not saying she perfect, obviously. but shes not one of those who is looking to just up and runa way with teh OM and start a new life with the OM. if she was, she woulda done it already. and as i mentioned, shes broken up with him 5 times, all of her own accord. and with nobody else pressuring her. The OM thoght knows exactly how to push her buttons to bring her back into the fold. (the old ignoiring trick, which has always worked really well). shes usually a good person, a good person who had a complete lack of boundaries, a good person who has made some horrendous decisions. a good person whose insanely naive. good person who went down that slippery slope, and by the time she realized what was going on, her emotions were all involved.

im not saying that what shes doing isnt wrong. and im not trying to defend her. her actions speak plenty. but i also take the whole view of who she is, at teh begining of the affair and for those first 6 months, she was the "alien who possesed my wife " kinda person. as my therapist said. right now shes a different person, totally self absorbed. but i aslo know the woman i married is in thre somewhere.

and if she comes out of it and wants to work on it, again, ill give it consideration, based off what shes willing to do.




but until then, if i find someone, or get my self n a nice situation, i sure as heck wont be saying no.
 
#436 ·
Elph, you are not in control of your life, you are being strung along.

Yes, your wife does not wish you ill. She simply does not give a flying f*ck about you, your feelings or your sanity. She is not a victim, she is not being forced into it, she is not manipulated. She choses him over you willingly. For her, you're a lawn chair, useful at times but OK to leave in the backyard under rain.
 
#437 ·
Yes you do just get back in the saddle. You get thrown and you get back again and again until you get it. Seventeen years meant nothing to your wife. She picked another man over your seventeen years. The only way she will come back is if the OM dumps her and she can't find another man. You have lost all her respect by sitting around waiting for her. What will happen if she breaks up with him is that she will leave you both in the dust.

There are as many ways to meet women as there are women. You have your son 5 nights a week. People with kids go out. They get babysitters. This is just an excuse. You and your wife never went out?

Finally, like so many others, make it where your wife no longer sees you. Drop off your son at parents house or some neutral spot where you do not come into contact with her. Say nothing about anything with her thats anything but divorce and your son. Tell your lawyer to go ahead with the divorce. You can always stop it. She can't stop a divorce by trying to ignore it.
 
#445 ·
I forgot (I think) to make a major point. When it comes up that your wife wants to go on a family outing, tell her this in a nice,even humourous way that she is no longer a part if this family. She is now part of the OM's family and can have lots of outings with them.

You HAVE to use psychology. All is fair in love and war and the OM is killing you in this battle. He just has more grit and determination to go after what he wants.
 
#438 ·
"
Finally, like so many others, make it where your wife no longer sees you. Drop off your son at parents house or some neutral spot where you do not come into contact with her. Say nothing about anything with her thats anything but divorce and your son. Tell your lawyer to go ahead with the divorce. You can always stop it. She can't stop a divorce by trying to ignore it."


only when she sees you actively moving on will she realise that time is up. At the moment she has two men chasing her and is enjoying it . I said once before you should go dark , assume you are divorced and work out a way to do the weekly handover of your son .

Your actions will say more than any words spoken .
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#439 ·
"
Finally, like so many others, make it where your wife no longer sees you. Drop off your son at parents house or some neutral spot where you do not come into contact with her. Say nothing about anything with her thats anything but divorce and your son. Tell your lawyer to go ahead with the divorce. You can always stop it. She can't stop a divorce by trying to ignore it."


only when she sees you actively moving on will she realise that time is up. At the moment she has two men chasing her and is enjoying it . I said once before you should go dark , assume you are divorced and work out a way to do the weekly handover of your son .

Your actions will say more than any words spoken .
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:iagree:

He's allowing the cake eating because he's hoping to wait out the affair and willing to accept the OM's leftovers. In his case, just like HurtinginTN, hurthusb, marksaysay, etc, he's using his child as the reason not to move on. Like those other guys, he thinks he's making progress because he can flirt with other women a little bit. That's not progress, that's pretending to make progress.

Real progress would be proceeding with the D and actually showing his WS that he can move on without her, which would actually be kicking her off the fence that she's sitting on. Only if she actually sees that he's not the back up plan anymore will there ever be a chance of her moving out of the fog. As long as he's willing to sit there and wait out the affair, nothing will ever change. Geez, he even know how many times she breaks up with OM and he breaks up with her.
 
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