Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

My Journey Towards Marriage Reconciliation

38K views 161 replies 17 participants last post by  Dedicated2Her 
#1 · (Edited)
Day 1 - DECIDE

I am not a professional writer, pastor, or marriage councillor, you will see it with how I write this blog (or post depending on where you read this).

I am just a man, a friend, a son, a father, and more importantly, a husband going through marriage separation. Today is the 43rd day that my wife of almost 6 years (few months short of), finally decided to part ways for good. There was no third party involved, no abuse, no in-law problem. It was just "us" having differences that we failed to work out for the last 6 years. A killer of communication break down has plagued us, and I never saw this coming.

My journey alone these past weeks have been anything but nice. I've tried to have fun, I've tried to find myself, I've tried to meet new people, but it has always been in vain. I have always felt empty. But one thing is for certain, I have made peace with my friends and more importantly, with the Lord. My friends, and some new ones, have been with me all the way. Guiding me and comforting me in this probably, by far, the worst stage of my life. Best of all, this has brought me closer to family, both mine and hers and made me realize what kind of fool I have been to neglect her family all these years. I have not been a good son-in-law and brother-in-law to begin with, but I am making huge improvements on how I deal with my life now that I have been awakened from that bad part of my life.

Yesterday, fathers day 2011, I have decided to move back home to my in-laws, where my wife and daughter are staying. I have been praying long and hard to the Lord for a sign, a sign that I need to fight for this with all my heart, and a sign that this will be all worth the pain. My wife's sister sent me an SMS early morning, saying that my 5year old daughter wrote me a letter for fathers day. I cried for hours, thinking that I have been a fool taking all the time in the world wollowing over the pain, and thinking that things will change on its own.

It was wrong. I needed to decide, I needed to stand up and fight for my marriage. I needed to serve my wife, my daughter, and her family the way I have promised when we got married September 24, 2005. I am not expecting that my wife will welcome me with open arms, on the contrary she gave me that usual cold treatment via SMS when she found out I was staying.



I am expecting that this journey will be the most painful, most heart-breaking and insulting journey I will embark on. But I am ready, for I have DECIDED that my marriage is the most important thing in this world. No pain emotional pain can kill me, but loosing my wife forever would definitely do.



Yesterday's Fathers Day Church Homily (Catholic) hit my heart like a sword: We are not asked to understand, we are asked to Believe. God has a purpose for these things to happen, whether this will make us a better person separately, or will make our marriage the best that it has ever been, one thing is for certain. I do not need to understand why my wife is so cold, and so angry, and so happy that we have been separated. I am asked by the Lord to Believe that His ways, His plans, and His time is always right.



Please check-in again tomorrow as I write these series of blogs/post every weekday until this is finally over, your comments and feedback are more than welcome. I hope that with the help of the internet and this site, I am able to help other people going through the same trouble I am, and find inspiration in each other.
 
See less See more
#129 ·
John 15
1 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
9 “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10 If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. 11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. 15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. 17 This is my command: Love each other.
I gave these verses as a guide. You are outside the commandments BOTH in not honoring your marriage while you are still legally married AND pulling this other woman from her marriage.

Ok, you relationship with this other woman is so CLEARLY outside your faith. You are still married to your wife and she is still married to her husband. AGAIN, end ALL CONTACT until you are BOTH divorced if that is what happens. I would not be surprised to hear that your prayers of reconciliation are not being answered because of these actions and similar with her marriage. When did you start contacting this woman? Was it before you moved out?

Do not expect that if you pull this other woman from her marriage and you leave your marriage that you will find happiness and blessing there.

Somehow I did not fully put together your relationship with this other woman. I can't tell you how mad I am at you for acting this way and still praying for reconciliation while you yourself entertain yourself with a married woman's company who is rightly her husbands!!!
 
#130 ·
@anx - one again, thank you for your honesty and all your points are well taken.

I can vaguely remember how long i cheated, probably a full year if you put all of it together. At this point in my life anx, I am no longer praying for reconciliation, but what I have been praying for recently is for my W to be truly happy, have peace of heart and mind (coz i still care for her as a person) and for the people arpund us who are personally helping, to have the same inner peace and acceptance.

I have probably been delaying the inevitable, thatvi will eventually have to move on, without her and find a new romance. As hard as it maybe to understand, the past years of my marriage, i have been denying that i was slowly allowing my wife to trample on my heart. I had needs and wanta and no matter how hard i try to beg and plead for her to give those, she wont budge. Until i had to redesign what i want just so i can fit what she can give. Looking back, she has not done any "wifey" things for me. She never cooked me breakast, she never voluntarily ironed mt clothes, never wanted to watch a movie with me, her last effort to really be with me on the beach was back in 2007 (years i cheated). What do i give her? I give her love, i give her affection, i give her financial security and a good sex. And i just found out now that her and her possible EA have watched a couple of movies in a months time. More than what we watched in 6 years.

Ive just realized lately that i have not been truly happy, even when it was after my cheating years. I am no perfect husband, i can see that now. But she isnt either, the only difference is i accept that fact, she doesnt and always blame it on me. That i wanted too much etc.

I am still confused, but at this stage, if she turns around now, with or without my current EA, i dont think i would want her back. I will try to work on it through MC but very unlikely. Coz of the fact thay she could do this to our daughter, lie to her family and keep her EA or PA, and continue to hurt me even if she knows i have a very emotional heart and can be an emotional wreck.

We do notnhave divorce here in my country, and legal separation costs around 5800USD. Ive just fpund out that the OW has just called it quits with her H too last night. She, too has been suffering for 7 years with a very unfulfilling marriage, and an H that treats her like a dog, nanny, maid, cook, janitress, call it whatever.

I have been praying for one thing: that rhe Lord gives me happiness, us happiness. Including my W.

Maybe at this stage i am no longer praying for reconciliation. I guess its really over for my marriage. I still wish my W well in life, we had pur chance but we both did not do enough to nurture oir marriage. The obly sad part now that makes me cry is my daughter, but taling my W's own words, we will separately give her so much love that she wont notice a missong piece. Do i beleive that crap? Hell no! Can i do something about it? She wont let me. Will i give my daughter that "so much" love? You bet (not sure if she will, obviously she isnt now coz she is busy with her job and her OM)
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#132 ·
Hi, I have been following your story, and all the ups and downs have brought me comfort through my own jeurney, so thank you for that. Some times its just good to know that others are also going through simular stuff. I hope you dont think im being pushy but you really need to get a few days away with God the father to get your perspective back, because at the moment you are not seeing clearly. In no way am I judgeing you, but you are not seeing clearly, which is understanderble. The ow that you are involved with is on her own jerurney with her H and you need to be gentalman and step out of the way so God can do what he is doing in her. She also has children, do you want to be responsible for any part in that pain. Regardless of what is happening in her life thats not your concern. You know the pain of seperation and you are going to be a party to bringing that pain on to her H. You shouldnt judge him that is Gods job. At the moment you are trying to smother your own pain by distracting yourself with this other woman, the pain will not go away like this. Trust me when I say I do no the pain you are trying to hide from. The best thing you can do right now is nothing, just be still and no that God is God, and trust him. Dont look at your circumstances, look at God and have faith that he will work all things for the good of those who love him. I hope I havent ofended you in any way. Im praying for you and your wife. God Bless
 
#133 ·
Wow, its been a couple of days since I was last here...

@ TG and anz - Thanks for your responses, as always. I know both of you meant no harm with what you said or anything, and I am taking them all in, and I am not thinking anyone here is being judgemental. :)

Just an update, my ex-W texted me yesterday, telling me that she will go with our daughter to her school field trip, it hit me like a sharp arrow, coz it was the three of us last year. Yes, she texted, coz tomorrow is payday again, and if you have been watching my story, all hell breaks loose during payday.

She asked if I can pay for the field trip tomorrow, or wanted to wait until the next one (well, that's new), told her it would have to be the next and that I will take my daughter to our place on Friday, returning Sunday, she's Ok with it since she was on leave yesterday and the day before and that she has spent time with her (going to a nearby mall, sheesh, thats all she can offer?!)

Oh well... Thats that...

Regarding the OW, I'm still at a loss. She is the only one making me smile now, I still see her, just yesterday morning and dropped her off to work. We kissed, and the texting continues. She tells me when its her lunch break, she lets me know what she is cooking for dinner, when she wakes up, when she goes home, what she is doing for her kids, she even calls me sometimes (she sometimes wakes me up, but hearing her voice half-asleep is like a dream to me)

With your current story anx and tg (I dont mean to compare), you are seeing hope in your broken marriages. You are in the same house, one of your partners are saying "not now",both going through counselling etc, therefore, there IS hope, you and your partners are at least trying, mine: Nada, ziltch, zero, gone, dead... If I were in your situations, I would have given everything up, I would have let go of the OW to work 100% on my marriage, but sadly that is not the case for me.

I need to be happy, I need to find me a new romance. I need to leave my past behind and move on. Its been 7 years since I have put everyone else but myself first, I think now is the time I think about me...

I've been praying for peace, for happiness, for healing of my wife and the people around us, if and when we finally decide its over. Honestly, I still have like 5% left in me that wants to make this work, but its slowly dying... I am being careful with what I am trying to pursue though, coz I know the OW isnt sure about anything yet... Only time will tell, in the mean time, were enjoying what we have now, finding strength in one another, and striving to be happy again...
 
#134 ·
It is so easy to give up to every hardship in life,it's like taking the shortcut instead.
That is why we will never gonna know if we had actually made it or not.
But life is all about choices,for whatever reason we have.

Maybe,your wife has known you too well already and she might already believe at the first place that it won't take long for you to pursue her.
It taken you for a year to have an affair and she took it,then it only took you 3 months to give up on her.
Well,we all are in journey in finding happiness and i wish you goodluck on your new path,it could be the right love at the wrong time or the other way.
God will never judge us on whatever we do,He will always be there for us no matter what.
 
#135 ·
We are actually separated a second time. I updated my story just a little, but yes there is a ton of hope in my story. I still just think what happened is very shady. You messed up cheating and then walking out. You are separated, but for 3 months of a 5+ year relationship.

You can start a new life with this OW and forgiveness. However, if your wife comes back and wants reconciliation what will you do? I still think you should honor that first in your and the OW relationship.

On this time however, you need to read the bible if you aren't. It takes about 3-6 months to get through with some serious reading. The new testament is far shorter and can be done in a few weeks to a month.

Blessings.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#136 ·
I have to agree w/Anx on this. You destroying your own life is one thing but to conscioiusly destroy another family is dispicable! You do realize that even if you and this woman end up together it will never be a happy, lasting marriage don't you? How could she ever trust a man that would cheat on his wife and how could you ever trust a woman who cheats on her husband? I don't care what the circumstances are, it is morally wrong to see someone while you are married. Two wrongs do not make one right. Also,

Galatians 6:7 ". . . .for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." Think about that.
 
#137 ·
Breaking Covenant Through Divorce
Malachi 2

10 Do we not all have one Father ? Did not one God create us? Why do we profane the covenant of our ancestors by being unfaithful to one another?

11 Judah has been unfaithful. A detestable thing has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem: Judah has desecrated the sanctuary the LORD loves by marrying women who worship a foreign god. 12 As for the man who does this, whoever he may be, may the LORD remove him from the tents of Jacob [c] —even though he brings an offering to the LORD Almighty.

13 Another thing you do: You flood the LORD’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14 You ask, “Why?” It is because the LORD is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

15 Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. [d] So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.

16 “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” [e] says the LORD Almighty.

So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#138 ·
Ok, today is another day and my life still sucks to be honest with everyone.

Going back to the moths I had cheated on her and had numerous affairs, I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but those were lessons in my life and have left an invaluable moral in my heart: Never Leave your Wife for Anything Else... That was the primary reason why for years 2-5 of my marriage, I gave my wife and daughter my EVERYTHING, leaving nothing for myself (which was obviously a mistake).

Cheating wasn't right in the first place, I made that decision, was happy for a time, turned away from it, and looked back at it with a smile knowing that it had made me a better husband for my wife.

Not sure if that makes sense at all.

Fast forward again to the words that continue to haunt me to this day, these again are the same words from my Ex:

Cisco: What if you realize that you are tired of your friends, tired of being "single" and either 1) I'm dead or 2) found someone new to give me the love I deserve
Ex: "Then that would be a consequence I am willing to face for the rest of my life"

Loosely Translated: I don't give a *F if I end up without you, I will be myself, enjoy being single for now, drink with my friends, prioritize my work over you or our daughter, so back off!

Can anyone fully blame me for pursuing finding another romance? I can't just lie on my bed after work alone without a partner.

BTW, here's the thread I started about my ex wanting to be Single:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiety-depression-relationships/24958-wife-wants-single.html

@Karole - Thanks for your insight as well, the OW's marriage is already broken, well, to be honest from what she said, it wasn't even a marriage she wanted to begin with. She just married because she "has" to, everything paid for, everything set etc.... Her H treats her like crap and she is just putting aside her own happiness for her kids, just so the kids can have a "whole" family despite the fact that she is not whole herself. I am not trying to destroy her marriage because it is already a shattered marriage. I wanted to give her something more, I want to give her kids a better view of "family"... But thats going to far down the road, we are NOT in a relationship now. We are just friends for now and becoming each other's confidante.

Perfect example of how her H doesnt give importance to their marriage? What H in his right mind would put a FB relationship status of "separated" using her wife's account just to find out if someone (particularly other men) will react?
 
#139 ·
You can in fact lie in bed alone. I have spend the last month seriously reading the Bible. I get home,take a nap because I'm exhausted from work and emotionally drained, fast until sundown, get in my bed with my bible a pen, my phone , and my journal. I chose to fill the painful void and feelings of abandonment with God.

My wife actually told me before she moved out that she should just have sex with someone else so I would leave her alone. I chose to honor our covenent even when she couldn't. She gave me the same tone that "I don't care and need to be single".

You are right she doesn't care right now. If any woman was cheated on, and then left she would feel like that. Your actions played a huge role in that.

You swung too far from cheating to totally giving yourself to the point of resentment. There is a happy middle point. You didn't mean to and meant good things.

I strongly think that you need some time alone. Tell the OW that you would like two weeks without contact and go home and read the entire new testement and be constantly praying. The choices you make in the next few weeks will define the rest of your life. Make the choices with very serious contimplation and prayer. Your marriage may be over and this ow may turn out to be a blessing. Please take at least some time to clear your head alone.

BLESSINGS
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#140 ·
If any woman was cheated on, and then left she would feel like that. Your actions played a huge role in that.
Not sure anx if I've mentioned this before, but my W never knew about it. I'm 100% certain, coz if she found out, it would have surfaced during our numerous heated arguments about this separation.

I strongly think that you need some time alone. Tell the OW that you would like two weeks without contact and go home and read the entire new testement and be constantly praying. The choices you make in the next few weeks will define the rest of your life. Make the choices with very serious contimplation and prayer. Your marriage may be over and this ow may turn out to be a blessing. Please take at least some time to clear your head alone.
I totally agree with this buddy, I've been thinking long and hard how to do this without my head being clouded with depression, anxiety, sadness, the works! I just want to get away from all this but dont know how!

I feel like throwing up in this roller-coaster emotion (figuratively). Just a few hours ago I was lonely, reading through my ex's IM conversation on our last few weeks (where I now see signs of a dying marriage), then a minute after visioning me and the OW's past few days together and our possible future and I feel chills up my spine, then just all of a sudden browsed the net for a theme park me and my daughter can go to tomorrow and suddenly i'm all smiles.

Up-Down-Mid-Down-Up-Extreme Up-Extreme Down-Down-Up-Numb... Geez, when will this stop?!?!?! I just wanna throw up, can someone just please stop this roller coaster ride for pete's sake! :s
 
#142 ·
If I haven't told you this yet anx, you are in a far better place I am. You seem to be fully in control of the entire situation, partly because you are seeing hope in your marriage, partly because of your faith maybe.

But I admire your courage and steadfast attitude on what you want. I'm not at that stage yet...

Again, I admire where you're at now. May He continue to bless you...


You choose to ride the roller coaster.
As hard as it may seem to admit, I agree with yah. I just know that if I don't have these distractions (similar to my situation back in May), I would be flat on the floor... No Ups, just a flat line...

It sucks either way...
 
#143 ·
Really the only peace I have found is with God and his stability.

I suggest so strongly that for two weeks you have no contact with ow, limited contact with the wife, and as much contact with daughter as you can. Take a short nap after work(wake up refreshed) , lock yourself in a quiet, low light room in your place and start reading the new testament hard. Take breaks for food, water, etc. If you can't concentrate, leave for a bit to read the news, reviewing some radio or tv and come back later. Skip around. Psalms, and proverbs, and a minor prophet to break it up if you want. It's really the only peace I have found and keeps me going.

I have been serving everyone. I making food for people at work, help in everyone I can, anything.

Please do it.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#144 · (Edited)
Cisco, I can't read this anymore without speaking up. You are dancing around a serious issue and I expect its because you don't want to see it as an issue. You are having an affair with a married woman. You are, in fact, still married yourself. You talk about God in previous posts so I have to assume you do believe. You and the OW are both married! It doesn't matter how "over" your marriages might be. IT IS WRONG.

You keep comparing your situation to Anx and talking about how if you still had hope as he does then maybe you wouldn't be doing it. You are justifying your actions. Guess what... I'm am in a VERY hopeless situation. My wife has left, filed, seeing other men, we have 2 young kids... Not too different from you. I choose NOT to see other women until I'm divorced. It is your choice if you want to see other women prior to being divorced. I don't think its right, but its your call. But do you want to know why I think you're acting especially like scum right now? You are potentially destroying another family that MIGHT make it if you weren't involved. What if this OW and her husband could work it out? It really doesn't matter if she says he's a total piece of **** and treats her like a dog! Isn't that what all waywards say? And yet many waywards find their way home. You are in the way of allowing that to potentially happen. You are decreasing any chance that her innocent children might have of getting to grow up with a complete family. GO BE ALONE WITH GOD FOR AWHILE. That is what you should be doing right now. You don't need a woman to fill the void. You need a relationship with God and to learn how to be what He is calling YOU to be.

My wife and I have been physically separated for nearly six months. Its inevitable for us it seems. But I still wear a ring because I am still married. The idea of finding someone that makes me feel special is very enticing. But it will prevent me from growing. The idea of getting with someone who is also still married but separated absolutely sickens me. I do not want the blood of that marriage on my hands. You shouldn't either.

My step dad told me something a couple weeks ago that I haven't been able to stop thinking about... You see, he started dating my mom before she and my dad were actually divorced. My dad wanted to get back together but my mom had too much resentment and bitterness toward him. Out of anger and hurt she started seeing a man who very quickly seemed to have won her heart. As soon as the divorce was final she married him. Don't get me wrong, he's a fantastic guy. To this day, I still refer to him as my step dad even though he and my mom were only married for about 5 years before she initiated her second divorce. (This was 25 years ago)

But while discussing details of my situation with him a couple weeks ago, he started tearing up. He told me that he has one regret that has haunted him for the last 25 years. He said "I've always wondered if I wasn't in the picture, if your mom and dad would have had a chance to get back together. I've always felt like I could have been the reason that you kids didn't get to grow up with your mom and dad together."

I sure as hell don't want to live with that kind of guilt. Do you?
 
#145 ·
Cisco, listen to anx. He has good advice on this. You are letting your feelings and emotions drive your actions. Reading/praying/sparking your love affair with Christ is going to make your feelings subservient to biblical action. Do u think Jesus "felt" like forgiving his enemies on the cross? No, but his feelings were subservient to his higher purpose. Read Corinthians 2 chapter 1. Paul is in emotional pain at this time. God is calling for you cisco through your circumstances, and you choose to seek refuge in another woman??????? Sheesh.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#146 ·
Wow... Its been a while since I've been here. :)

Got lots of updates with how my life has progressed so far. I intended to be away from this forum and just do things on my own, with a few of my close friends guiding me.

I'll try to keep my updates as short as possible, in bullet points so it would be easier to read.

Updates with my ex-wife:

- Very recently (last Monday), we had that talk. A first in 5 months since we separated last May 9th.
- We had a pretty good talk. It was light, and fun. That was the first time ever we were together to just talk for 5 hours. Yes, first time since we got married 6 years ago.
- Her issue with me: I never listen to her. Sad, but it was true. We both cried over the demise of our marriage.
- We agreed that it was over for us. Days before, I prayed to God for closure, and I had it.
- She said it wasnt true that she is neglecting our daughter. I told he it wasnt me who is saying it, it was HER family at home who is seeing it. I still believed her and felt sorry I judged her.
- We agreed taht we will go out and see each other.
- She wanted the three of us to go out and sea a movie, go to the park etc. But careful about our next steps because we both agreed we dont want to give false hopes to ANYONE that we will get back together.
- She said the OM was never the reason she left me, I believed her. She also said that they only had something between them, something special just this August. I still believed her.
- My goal on that day - to feel my heart if I still loved her. Result - No. I didnt feel anything at all.
- I told her about my OW too. We both accepted that fact.
- She joked about me, my OW and her and her OM to go out sometime. I wanted that. I wanted acceptance, and I wanted openes. It would be beautiful if that happens. The four of us finally happy. :)
- OUr problem was how we can become a team to handle our daughter and the pain this separation caused her family.
- Last weekend was the first time I was at her parents place and she was on the same floor I was. The family was surprised, my daughter even whispered to me "Daddy, mommy still knows you!" She smiled and kissed me. Ouch...
- SHe borrowed my laptop to check on her FB. Stupid her she didnt log out before the battery went dead. THe day after, I logged in to check my FB and found out she didnt logout. Of course I looked at the messages. BOOM! Saw exchanges of I love you's and I love you More's (the more came from her) MAY 17!!!! One week after we separated.
- I believed all the good things she said when we spoke for 5 hours. But obviously, she lied about the OM. WHat else is she lying about? Her not neglecting our daugher? I wouldnt be surprised.
- Were still civil. We still text regularly and I'm controlling myself to tell her what I know. I asked if she wanted to introduce the OM to the family, and if they already had I Love You's... She said NO - Obviously a lie coz those were their conversations.
- I wanted so badly to do one of two things:
1. Tell her what I know and demand she comes out clean and tell her family about it. We will still remain separated, I dont want her back.
2. Resign from work, stay at home and be a mother for once to our child. We will still remain separated, I dont want her back. And NO ONE will know about what I know

-- WHat do you guys think?

Updates about the "OW"
- Were still going strong, we still see each other every day, kiss to/from work etc.
- Yes, we already did "it", last August 27. It was just beautiful, nothing wild or fancy. Just romantic.
- On her last birthday, I wanted it to be special. I asked a girlfriend to be part of my plan. She called the OWs home, asked their nanny to ask the two kids to write a birthday card for their mom. And that was one of my two gifts. She appreciated it sooo much and was overly happy about my gift. :)
- She said she feels so guilty about all the things i've been doing, that she cant return the favor because of our situation (her still being married, cant leave the H for the kids etc). She wants to know what my plans are (obviously I want to take her and her kids and take care of them).
- She said she wants to nullify their marriage. I told her I know how to do it the legal and cost-effective way. She only mentioned it once, but at least were getting somewhere.
- Her mom just recently had an operation. She was scared, I was there to comfort and lend a helping "car" when she needed it. I offered a priest to go and see her mom before the operation. All that, she repayed with a simple "i appreciate everything you have done". And thats all i needed. Basically, I was the wall she leaned on to at the most difficult part of her life.
- I know where she lives now! She let me drive her home in front of her mothers house (something she NEVER did before). She let me drive around the village she grew up in. She asks me sometimes to drive near her house too, where her kids and H lives. In a way, she is allowing me to be closer. SHe also told me the first night i brought her home "now you know where to find me if you need to" - I was hurt before, I asked her, what if you loose your cellphone, how can i find you - she responded - that that might be a sign we should stop. THen she does this... She obviously means she wants to keep this relationship, right?
- I already saw her kids (i sat on the table next to them one time, and we were just texting). I know she isnt ready to introduce me yet.
- I also know her friends from work now. She told me before that she doesnt want anyone to know about us, she wants this to be discreet. Now were out with her friends, though no words are spoken. They are not stupid to now know something is going on.
- A song played in my car, and I knew it was for her. I told her, that was my song for her. She said: you are very sweet, but i dont want to appreciate those things. I dont believe in it. I have a wall since ive been hurt so many times. I will not let a man hurt me again. (I know about the wall.. she puts it down sometimes obviously, and puts it up again).
- I told her about the talk my ex had. I told her its finally over. The next day we met, i felt our conversation was really light. It felt good (could she be waiting for that assurance? Coz i told her before me and my ex just dont talk).
- Today was a pretty good drive from work. We laughed, we sang on the car. And of course we kissed.



I am searching my heart for a loong time. And realized that with the OW, unconsciously, I have been a good listener (something I wasnt with my W), she often tells me problems about her H, I know when her kids are sick and when they are well. I help out with her kids school work etc. Basically, I am her H in a way, but we are not comitted.

I am someone who always want assurance, wants something better. I never asked for anything from the OW, since I have accepted where we stand in this relationship.

Pretty much what im saying is: I have changed and matured in a lot of ways since ive been with her. Were just going on 3 months, and we still have a long way to go.

I still go to church everyday. Asking God to bless me and the OW, and guide us.. It has been beautiful for quite a long time.

I will go to a retreat next month, I need help. I need to search my heart. I want to get back at my W and have sweet revenge. I want to take the upper hand this time, she has been having all the good things for the longest time while I suffered. But I dont know if my heart can handle revenge... Or should I just remain quiet and calm and let this all go.

I am happy now. It is hard to be the OM in me OWs life. I still have my ups and downs. If you ask me now what I want? I want to get my daughter, be with the OW and her kids and start over. I also want our families to accept the new additions to our lives. That to me would be perfect.
 
#150 ·
Ok, let's do this again guys. While I appreciate the thoughts the last three replies have mentioned, reading through the past 10 pages you would clearly know that this journey hasn't been easy for me at all.

I'm asking for mature understanding and advise from anyone in this thread. What I have posted is just the surface of my situation and I dont think anyone has the right to judge me or my situation outright, no offense meant to anyone. If you backread, the OW I'm with is also close to filling for divorce. All were doing is filling the void our partners left in our lives.


Lets start over. What would I do with my ex Wife? I am so close to filling for divorce just to end this.

Should I spill what I know to her family? Spill the affair anonymously at work? While I know that revenge is morally wrong, I'm sure 90% of people who went through the same hell I did are considering it. I'm no hypocrite, but I am still undecided.

I want to take the upper hand this time. I've been pretty much suffering for the past 6 months, every single day. I have been crying my guts out for the past 2 weeks.

Here's what I'm thinking of, all selfless IMO.

1. She resigns from work, throw her cellphone away and cuts contact with her OM 100% and focus on becoming a mother for the first time in 5 years for a change.

2. She spills her secret to her family and suffer whatever consequence they will impose, and I take custody of my daughter.

3. Just let them go, let them have the time of their lives at the expense of the lies and the neglect for my daughter while they f* around and remain lovers.

Both options I will NOT take her back.

or the fun part:

4. Send anonymous emails/snail mails to her family and her closest friends, and send an email to her work place with a screenshot of their sweet conversation. (I have 20 of them)

Thoughts? Opinions?
 
#151 ·
An eye for an eye makes us both blind..... If your happy to make revenge, be it but what shall you got? Non will be a winner! the only loser will be your daughter! right? think like an adult either one of you or both of you for your daughter's sake! That's my 2 cents opinion.....
 
#152 ·
So, you are wondering if you should out your wife's affair to her family while you are also having an affair?

I know, she did it first and yours is a unique and true love, not an affair.

My mature understanding is that a person should be divorced first, THEN date single people.
 
#153 ·
An eye for an eye makes us both blind..... If your happy to make revenge, be it but what shall you got? Non will be a winner! the only loser will be your daughter! right? think like an adult either one of you or both of you for your daughter's sake! That's my 2 cents opinion.....
That is what is making me think really... I dont intend to win her back, she obviously is choosing her own selfish hapiness at the expense of our daughter, if she takes the first option, my daughter wins coz she gets to have a mother she never had. Option 2 is for my ex-wife, is she wants to continue her happiness with the OM, then so be it, but I will take my daughter. Either way, my daughter doesnt have either of us. I dont live in their house anymore and the only people taking care of my daughter are my in-laws becuase she is busy "working" - she does not support anyone financially btw, 90% of her money is just for her.

I know I need to CAREFULLY think about this because this might backfire.

So, you are wondering if you should out your wife's affair to her family while you are also having an affair?
That is a very good point, and I know it is true. At this stage soccerfan, all I want is one thing: A Whole Family. And a family built on deceit, infidelity and mistrust is not something I would want.

If I lived in a perfect world, I will take my daughter, be with my OW and her kids and well live hapilly ever after. all our families will accept the new relationship yadah yadah yadah..BUt we dont live in one. THe OW and me are not committed btw, we just see each other everyday, talk about our kids etc etc...

She also wants the same thing: a family... I know it is too early to say, weve just been "going out" for 3 months and weve both been in sucky marriages and (pardon me for the word) worthless spouses for 6 years (hers was 7) Two wrongs do not make a right, I know that... We are both slowly making steps, nothing quick, nothing instant, for this relationship.

Putting my bitterness hat on, my ex W jumped into another relationship with her not fixing her own issues, I know that relationship is bound to fail. I just CANNOT fathom the thought that she lied to me, wanted to lie to our daughter, lied to her crying grandmother/father/mother/sisters all for THAT OM.

Not sure if you caught that part of my previous post, that she wants her, our daughter and me to go out sometime. WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE WANT, she wants to be a mother on Saturday and be with the OM on the other days?! I would NOT give her that luxury at all! Thats too much, I can accept what she did with me but for our daughter to be part of her "single" phase and her lies is just TOO much for me.

I love my daugther too much and seeing her mother like this is just absolutely unacceptable. Ive got to love my OW primarily for what my ex W is not: A Loving, sacrificing, caring mother to her kids.


Thank you for switching gears with your responses btw, i really appreciate it... :)
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top