This is a question for BSs - did the way you found out effect your decision to divorce or reconcile? If your spouse confesses versus you catching them - did it effect your next moves? I'm really curious to hear your insights....
You should leave her for you man - you only get one life to live - you will spend enough time being a corpse without starting early....Yes, it matters immensely. A WS who confesses is showing remorse, regret, and concern for the BS from the start. Even a WS who comes clean once caught is showing potential.
Every WS should realize: when you’ve betrayed, in the worst-possible way, the one you are commissioned to honor and protect, the ONLY currency you have at that point is honesty. You better spend it wisely and with abandon.
I caught my wife in the process of going to meet her lover at a business meeting. I reconciled with her based on lies. Eighteen months into our reconciliation, I finally discovered the truth that she’d been involved in a prior two-year affair with him, and I just caught her returning to him once again.
Something in me has died. I have no desire to have any emotional connection with another human being beyond what it takes to retain golf and fishing partners. I don’t leave her because I think it’s fitting that she live with the corpse. If she can’t take it and leaves, I couldn’t possibly care less.
Yes, it matters. A lot. The way a WS responds to their betrayal reveals what kind of person they are. Some are worth redemption, others aren’t worth the time it takes to brush the dust from your feet.
Exactly my views. If they're at the third chance, you're looking at a serial cheater. They won't change, or at least not with you. Out with them.My reasoning is that generally honest, trustworthy people can sometimes make really bad decisions. No one is infallible. So I believe in second chances under certain circumstances. However, I do not believe in third chances. If it happened more than once, I'd be done without question whether my partner confessed or not. You can't truly regret something and then do it again.
Great point..i wonder about people who reconcile after catching a spouse and forcing an end to the affair - if you didn't catch them and they would not have ended it on their own - how does effect the reconciliation?I might give it another chance if he confessed by himself, without being asked anything. Having had to catch him, find secret messages or having been informed by others...his chances for R are very slim to none.
Sure the betrayal remains a betrayal, but a confessing cheater indicates that if they are telling you, they are ready to end the affair and recommit to marriage. That they are remorseful. Something to work with.
Unless the confessing sounds like : "I love X and I want a divorce." I'd show them the door in this case.
Perhaps I should have rephrased the question and used the term "full and complete confession" - trickle truthing and having the BS continue to dig for the truth is like getting caught as well....My ex has tried to use the fact of her "confession" as "defence" for her subsequent trickle truth - which may, or may not, be continuing - but I no longer care.
Her "confession" consisted of an admission of a one sided EA (before I even knew there was such a thing). Everything else flowed from that - including her subsequent further "confession" about 3 months later that they had "just kissed".
From those 2 statements I slowly unpicked everything - figured it all out and pieced an enormous, filthy, depraved, jigsaw together when the only picture was my knowledge of her personality and what she would do in each circumstance.
It was my digging that inadvertently ended the affair as I went to confront the OM (she denied it was him and at that point I had no idea that it had been physical).
She might have said nothing, but she had left so much evidence that discovery was inevitable and at that point both me and our kids had serious suspicions.
My point in all of this, is that her confession was half assed and only pre-empted the inevitable and so it was ultimately worthless.
I would think catching them - always leaves you with the doubt of their desire to end the affair on their own...Well, my wife confessed completely unprompted and caught me by total surprise. Had I caught her, yes, I think it would have been worse.
A little background, she was feeling bad about herself and went back to school. I knew something was wrong, I could sense her pulling away. I did not know what to do and hoped she would snap out of it. This went on for several weeks until one night in bed I asked her what was wrong. We expressed our love for each other, had great make-up sex and all seemed great. She then told me there had been another man. I assured her it would be OK. Things seemed good for the next couple of weeks. She offered to answer anything I asked. I was pretty naive on what went on, my wife tends to over dramatize things so in my mind she maybe had a bit of a crush or even did lunch with this guy. One day on the way home from work I had a bit of a panic attack about a PA. That evening a bit embarrassed to even ask such a question that would insinuate that she was a Wh*** I did ask did you have sex with him? She hesitated for a minute and then said yes, one time. The fact that it went PA, I have never got over.
Had I caught her instead of a confession, it would probably be over now.
:iagree: that is a good point but I think if a remorseful spouse spills it in a desire to repair the marriage - it might be helpful in the long run - but you are right either way you got stabbed...Stabbed in the front, or back.. either way... you've been stabbed. I suppose the front might appear more noble, but it's still a dagger in your heart.
I'd be more concerned with what happens after discovery than what the method of discovery was.. Reason being, the motive for confession could be totally selfish, to rid themselves of guilt. To minimize the extent of it. Fear of being exposed by a third party, etc..
I'd love to hear his definition of honesty...:slap:I actually asked my ex why he told me. He said,...
....wait for it....
"I wanted to be HONEST with you."
:lol: :rofl:
Gee dude...why weren't you "honest" with me 2 weeks earlier? And why be "honest" NOW?
Sheesh.
Vega
:iagree::iagree::iagree: Cheating is evil...the amount of permanent damage done to the BS, the kids, etc is mind boggling...LOL, My STBXH confessed, but only after I asked, and he lied about most of the confession, and the one after that, and the one after that, .....you get the idea. While it is the lesser of two evils if they confess instead of getting caught, it's still evil.