blind

Here is an update on my situation.

Friday night was pretty good. My wife and I live about 25 miles from the town I work in. She met me in town Friday evening and we did some shopping for our daughter, had a quick dinner and then I took our daughter home. She and my son went to a book store for a bit and then came home about an 1 1/2 hours later. She comes in, doesn't even say high and basically ignores me. I didn't want to fight or break down and cry anymore, so I quietly went into my office and played guitar for a while. After an hour or so, she asks if I am coming to bed. I didn't know if she wanted me to, or if she could hear me playing and it was keeping her up. So I asked. She wanted me to come to bed. We had some of the best sex we have had in a long time. So, I'm thinking, hey this is looking up.

Saturday was alright. I spent a lot of time with the kids, and she downloaded a bunch of songs for the Ipod. I did some grocery shopping while the kids were napping. Some friends came over for a while Saturday night. A fairly uneventful day.

Sunday morning seemed fine. We went to church in the morning. My brother bought our family tickets to a concert and we went with my parents and siblings. It was alright. Later, I told her I would still like to talk more about how we are each feeling, etc. Reluctantly she agreed to talk.

After the evening church services we talked some more. In the end, she says if she had to make up her mind right now, she would probably choose a divorce. She is uncertain what she wants. I asked if she thought it best for our children for us to be happy together. She said she didn't know and couldn't answer that question right now. These are the things that hurt the most. She truly doesn't know if she wants us to work out, even if we could both be happy. This makes absolutely no sense to me at all.

This morning I decided I am not going to let this get me down any more. I still want my marriage to work and I still love my wife. But, I have been in a downward spiral for the past month which is not healthy for me or our marriage. I have come to the realization that if my wife wants our marriage to work, then it will. If she doesn't want it to work, then it won't. If she can't make up her mind, well then it probably won't work either. I don't mind giving this some time, but I can't wait on her forever.

Strangely, coming to this realization was liberating. I can't change the past. Whether or not our marriage works out is not really up to me. I know that if she wants it to work out then it will. But, I can't make up her mind for her. For some strange reason, this gave me some comfort. I am having a great day. I told her about the realization I have come to. I also told her that I hope she doesn't ultimately come to the conclusion that she wants our marriage to work after it is too late. I don't think she understood why I am in such a good mood, and frankly, I don't understand it either. Actually, I think it bothered her that I was in a good mood. I spoke to her on the phone after I left for work about something she wanted me to put in the mail for her. For the first time in a long time, she said I love you before I did. This confuses me even more, but I remained in a good mood.

I don't have a clue what any of this means. Any thoughts? Is this good, bad, ugly????? Thanks.