Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - Wife had one night stand and got pregnant while I was deployed to Iraq.

8yearscheating · 08-08-2011, 09:04 AM

The man is not back yet and does NOT need to be thinking about other possibilities like what else may have happened and is in no postion to make decisions about what should happen with the kid.

He needs to focus on the job he is facing and get back safely.

Montana - immense thanks for being there protecting our freedoms. Please ignore all of the insensitive crap being posted and focus on getting back in one piece. The details and dealing with it can happen when your back. For now, everytime those mind movies start playing try to do two things - one is get real busy and engrossed in something that forces you think about what your doing. Do not sit and think. Second, try to displace those thoughts with something you remember fondly about your wife - a great trip or a special time with her. People do make mistakes and it may very well be that it is just as she describes it. DOn't let your mind wander to all of the possibilities. Remember that everyone's situation is different and there are lot of people on here that were not just cheated on but unable to get their spouses to consider reconciling and working through it or were dragged through the mud because their spouses refused to give up the affair.

Take what your wife is telling you at face value until you are in front of her and can talk. Unfortunately the decision about the kid is entirely up to her so you will again have to wait until you are face to face to discuss it. Focus on not doing harm to her or you by accusations, getting angry or interrogations. You want her to be open and honest and all of those things will cause her shut down. In fact, as hard as it may be, thank ehr for being honest and ask she continue to do so no matter how painful it may be. DO NOT dig into the gory details, that only adds to the mind movies and triggers and is not worth nor what you need now or ever.

I know how hard it is to keep your mind from playing the movies in your head. While it might not seem possible, you are going through is a form of the PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome) that soldiers get from being in combat. Please don't be afraid to see a chaplain or base medical for some help.

One other thing to focus on and use to help keep your spirits up - this can all work out and things can be better in your marriage as a result. Your wife obviously knows she crossed over a serious boundary and is very remorseful which is a fantastic start on reconciling and healing for both of you. It will take time and work but it can get dramatically better for both of you. I'll use myself as an example. 27 years married. Wife cheated with 2 men 20 years ago then a "friend" of mine for 18 years. MY youngest daughter, is not biologically mine. In spite of all this we are reconciling and doing extremely well 8 months out from discovery. We are more in love now than we have been in many years. Those mind movies started to subside for me in about 2 months with help from counselor and marriage counselling. If you love her and i know you do, know that together as a team, the two of you can get through this.

Take care of yourself, focus on keeping yourself safe and coming back. Thanks again for the hard work your doing!

This man needs encouragement and help.

08-08-2011, 09:04 AM	#18 (permalink)
8yearscheating Banned Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: The Great Lake State Posts: 1,416	Re: Wife had one night stand and got pregnant while I was deployed to Iraq. The man is not back yet and does NOT need to be thinking about other possibilities like what else may have happened and is in no postion to make decisions about what should happen with the kid. He needs to focus on the job he is facing and get back safely. Montana - immense thanks for being there protecting our freedoms. Please ignore all of the insensitive crap being posted and focus on getting back in one piece. The details and dealing with it can happen when your back. For now, everytime those mind movies start playing try to do two things - one is get real busy and engrossed in something that forces you think about what your doing. Do not sit and think. Second, try to displace those thoughts with something you remember fondly about your wife - a great trip or a special time with her. People do make mistakes and it may very well be that it is just as she describes it. DOn't let your mind wander to all of the possibilities. Remember that everyone's situation is different and there are lot of people on here that were not just cheated on but unable to get their spouses to consider reconciling and working through it or were dragged through the mud because their spouses refused to give up the affair. Take what your wife is telling you at face value until you are in front of her and can talk. Unfortunately the decision about the kid is entirely up to her so you will again have to wait until you are face to face to discuss it. Focus on not doing harm to her or you by accusations, getting angry or interrogations. You want her to be open and honest and all of those things will cause her shut down. In fact, as hard as it may be, thank ehr for being honest and ask she continue to do so no matter how painful it may be. DO NOT dig into the gory details, that only adds to the mind movies and triggers and is not worth nor what you need now or ever. I know how hard it is to keep your mind from playing the movies in your head. While it might not seem possible, you are going through is a form of the PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome) that soldiers get from being in combat. Please don't be afraid to see a chaplain or base medical for some help. One other thing to focus on and use to help keep your spirits up - this can all work out and things can be better in your marriage as a result. Your wife obviously knows she crossed over a serious boundary and is very remorseful which is a fantastic start on reconciling and healing for both of you. It will take time and work but it can get dramatically better for both of you. I'll use myself as an example. 27 years married. Wife cheated with 2 men 20 years ago then a "friend" of mine for 18 years. MY youngest daughter, is not biologically mine. In spite of all this we are reconciling and doing extremely well 8 months out from discovery. We are more in love now than we have been in many years. Those mind movies started to subside for me in about 2 months with help from counselor and marriage counselling. If you love her and i know you do, know that together as a team, the two of you can get through this. Take care of yourself, focus on keeping yourself safe and coming back. Thanks again for the hard work your doing! This man needs encouragement and help. Last edited by 8yearscheating; 08-08-2011 at 11:09 AM.