Originally Posted by Acorn
Thanks for the replies, I have been thinking a lot about them.
I think I've been going about this all wrong. I have been trying to fix things, but in the complete wrong way. For instance, my wife gets on me when I am late, even when I have a very good reason. She is late a lot for things, and up until a couple years ago, I just shrugged it off and tried to just be happy she was home... but lately I've been trying to call her on it. Seemed the "fair" thing to do, but really I'm just trying to control her the same way she tries to control me. I don't really like that part of my new self, maybe this is the way out of that trap.
If you are forcing yourself too much, it will not be sincere. Matching a fitness test tit for tat, is much the same as trying to negotiate or reason with logic, it usually won't work, as you are still by some accord being provoked into a reaction, which is by defintion "failing" the tests.
Don't try to match her control, but de-escalate it; don't sweat it when she's late with reason, but if she gets on me, just convey I'm not interested in her efforts to control me and walk away.
This is exactly correct 100 percent!
I guess it begs the question, why do I want to live in an environment with all this testing and controlling going on? Maybe that's the advanced class... Thanks for the help.
Wherever you find a man and woman in a sexual relatoinship, there will be testing of some sort.
The trick is, perhaps your point of "advanced class", is the tests in fact decrease a great deal once you communicate exactly like you said, you are not "interested in her efforts to control" you, and walk away.
And they REALLY decrease once you put into place the well honed skill of initiated your own displays of dominance, your own challenges TO her, instead of merely reacting to the ones FROM her.