TIB - I can tell you from first hand experience running in circles adn beating a bunch of requirements to DEATH with her will only cause her to draw back into a shell and want to go back to where the grass appears greener (fed with bull hockey) and there are not challenges, interrogations or tears. When I said contain and control your anger and rage can I guess you are interrogating, yelling, making harsh comments about how terrible she is even if it's just by saying how hurt you are? You are justified in your feelings, you have been ripped apart emotionally. In order for her to open up and be honest, you have to NOT make her want to hide and NOT want ot only tell you what you want to hear to avoid your wrath.
This is a teleseminar about how to get your husband to talk - while it's your wife who is the WS, the advice given deals with how NOT to approach the WS and a majority of it yuo should learn to apply right away. http://www.beyondaffairs.com/MP3s/TS-2010-Feb-26.mp3
This one is about the mistakes people make early on after discovery. I think you'll hear all about some of the things you are doing http://www.beyondaffairs.com/MP3s/TS-Oct29.mp3
Look around and listen. She has done terrible things. In the long term whether you R or D you will have to be able to deal with her. I know you still love her and if things started moving the right way yuo would R. You just have to be patient. You also at some point have to look at yourself and ask - what was I doing that she repeatedly complained about and I blew off. Are there things YOU can do to be the better choice?