Originally Posted by Maya627
Thank you so much for sharing that link; it did provide me with some perspective. I read through some of the replies, and it made me think about my husband's views about sex. Basically, he has no concept of sex being a means of strengthening an emotional bond or an expression of love. He seems to see sex as purely a physical need. That connection between sex and love that other people have doesn't seem to exist in his psychology. So to him, getting it from someone else seems to be the same as getting it from me. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know my husband loves me, and he never cheated on me before this because we used to have amazing, frequent sex. But I can't say that I don't wish my husband saw sex with me that way. I definitely don't want my children growing up with similar concepts.
It's a double-edged sword, so to speak. I know that because of his attitude about sex, it's highly unlikely that he'll start to have feelings for another woman during this arrangement, which he otherwise might have been susceptible to if his views were different and he had an affair because of my medical issues. But the fact that he seems so comfortable with this arrangement and can have these separate worlds without it affecting him emotionally is unsettling to me.
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Hi, you say that your husband's attitude towards sex seems to be purely physical in nature? I would caution you that he may feel this way now because of a strong sex drive, but as he approaches mid-life in your marriage, he may begin to realize that there always was a strong need to bond with you emotionally. Don't make the mistake of thinking that just because he has a strong sex drive as a relatively young man, that he doesn't also have a deeper need to feel connected, and this is his way of doing so.
Meanwhile, he may be out trying to satisfy a need for something that he is unclear about, because his sexual appetite is all he sees. Be careful, because even though you think you are unable to give him something that you think you are unable to provide, you may only be hurting yourself and him in the process.
Your husband may be a great husband, good provider, and all those great qualities you mentioned, but have you thought about this: It sounds to me like he may be emotionally immature, meaning that there could be a very strong underlying reason why he is so sexually driven. That underlying reason might be emotionally based on some need to feel a deep sense of connectedness to a female. You should be that female, not the many women he is allowed to sleep with because of your new arrangement.
Listen, I know this has been hard for you both, but I believe there are ways for you to connect sexually and emotionally without having to resort to your current arrangement. Sure, it won't be optimal, but life can't always be the way we want, and we can't always have our cake and eat it too. If he has needs, then do your part to help him get them satisfied in a way that helps you both. You know, sex doesn't have to be just about physical gratification, and it is clear to me that you both probably need to be more intimately and emotionally connected. Letting your husband go out and be with other women isn't really helping as much as you might think, and it sure isn't helping you.
I am speaking from experience when I tell you that I have always had a very strong sex drive, one which has never been even close to being satisfied in my marriage. To add insult to the situation, after the kids came, my wife was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, followed by a complete hysterectomy and chemotherapy. What was once a bad situation, just became worse. I considered going outside my marriage, but didn't, because that is just me. But what I realized as time went on and I rounded the 50yr old mark was this: There had always a very deep desire to be connected to my wife emotionally, which even she was never very good at or needy in herself. My sex drive had decreased a little, not much, but enough so that I began to see that there was definitely a strong emotional element involved with my strong sex drive. That, combined with the fact that I had not matured to the point of being able to recognize what was motivating me. Our relationship was bound to mature in order for it to survive life's tests. The problem was, now I had to somehow convince my wife that I really did need to be both physically and emotionally connected to her, a new challenge.
I hope what I have said helps! Good luck!