Did this start with the ED, or before that?
And is he managing his ED with meds like viagra?
He seems affectionate and loving, but can't bring himself to be intimate. I can see a few possibilities, or a combination of any of them....
He's bored with the sex life. But I'm not so sure that would be the case as it's hard to get so "bored" you NEVER want it.
His testosterone levels are low. He should get checked. If those levels are okay, then it's deeper than that.
It could very well be his ED. I have it. This is where this post gets long, because I can tell you it can be an all consuming and painful thing for a man, and very hard to overcome. But I did, and it was not easy. Here's how I managed it:
If he's not on meds, he needs to try them. And even then, they're not magic pills that can control what's in his head. If he still has fears of not getting or maintaining an erection, even with the pill, that can be enough to lose one. I'm speaking from experience here. I have had some form of ED since I was in my late 20's. Even with the pill, if my head "goes there" and starts to worry about it, IT is not happening. When this happens to a guy, at least for me, it was crushing. I lived in fear of a sexual encouter. The fear of losing an erection was all consuming. I could think of little else, so I just avoided it by not putting myself in a position where it could happen. I went a long time without dating years ago, in the prime of my life, because of it.
When I did start, thank god it was with a considerate woman who did not care about it, and helped me work through it. BUT, and this is a big one...I HAD TO LET HER KNOW MY FEARS AND LET HER HELP ME! I really took me being far more open than I wanted to be. If I was going to fix the problem, I had to confront it, this very embarrassing issue, WITH another person. That took a lot. But I am so thankful I did. Slowly, with no pressure from her, things got better. There was frequent sex, and no pressure for intercourse. It took quite a few times of me getting to the point of orgasm several times and quickly switching to intercourse to start building confidence again. I also had to not push myself and just allow myself to orgasm other ways without even attempting intercourse all the time.
On your part...help him. The number one thing I had to tell my wife, several times, was "I promise you this (difficulty with erections, we still had plenty of sex) is not about YOU, this is about ME. Don't be sefish and insecure and make this about YOU! Please do not put that kind of pressure on me!" She feared it was her. It was not. And her fears that she was not attractive to me or that I did not want sex with her fueled my fears, and did not help. I had to get blunt and forceful with her, that if she was going to be insecure, insensitive, not trust what I was telling her and make it about herself, it was not going to work. I had to reassure her in a lot of ways it had nothing to do with her attractiveness or my desire to have intercourse with her. Only when she truly understood it was not about her, did she let it go, and things got better. Amazingly better. We have intercourse 1 to 2 times a week on average, sometimes more than that. Much more than that. Sometimes, when the stars align, it's 2 to 3 times a day. And we have found that with all the other great sex we had while I was working on my issue, that intercourse is but a small part of sex. We have sex in so many other ways still that don't involve intercourse just because what we've learned together it is just so much damn fun without even going there!
What your husband may need to understand is he can please you so many ways without intercourse, until he is again able to do that. When I was dating my wife, we rarely had it because I'd lose erections right before or during intercourse the moment the "oh crap, am I gonna lose it" or during intercourse "damn, am I hard? Am I losing it now?" thoughts would creep in. BUT, we had PLENTY of sex, and she said it was (and continues to be) the most amazing sex of her life. I really wanted to be a good lover despite my ED / performance anxiety issue, and so I learned. A lot. Now, I've never thought I was a bad lover, was always considerate and attentive, but damn, I was nowhere NEAR the lover before I had this issue that I am now. Not even close. I researched. Watched videos on technique. Researched some more. About giving great oral. About the G-spot, how to find it, and how to give her mind blowing orgasms with my hands and mouth. About the differences between clitoral and vaginal orgasms. How to time and "blend" those different orgasms for her into one earth shattering blended orgasm. How to get a woman to have a g-spot orgasm and ejaculate (I know not all are capable of this, but many are, my wife is now, though she never was before and like others thought some of these things "myth" or that she was just not capable of them. It has blown her mind after herself being in a sexless marriage for 15 years and never experiencing all these different things before herself). I became hyper-attentive during sex. I made sex about her orgasms, and got myself into the mindset that if I didn't have one, or couldn't perform, that was okay, because I knew she was having mind blowing sex with me. I was determined NOT to lose this woman because she wasn't satisfied in bed. I needed that, because I had to remove the fear from myself that I would lose her if I couldn't maintain an erection and perform.
Once she got past the fears of it being about her and my reassurance it wasn't, satisfied she became. Then something great happened. The pressure was off of me. The frequency of our intercourse started to increase. Slowly but surely. Now, all those fears are essentially gone for me, and it is virtually never an issue. But it took time, openness, trust, and understanding.
Now, on the flip side of my experience, I know of one other person with the same issue. The husband of my wife's close friend. He is not dealing with it. He's avoiding it. He satisfies his needs through porn because he's too afraid to have sex with his wife. It's been a year. A YEAR since they've had sex. She's not yet ready to leave, but is ready to have an affair because she cannot deal with the crushing emptiness of not being touched. He won't go to the doc, and won't get the pills. He's just avoiding the issue. And he's losing her. I gave my wife the go ahead to talk to her and tell her about my issues and how I resolved them, and offered to talk to her about how she can help him past it.
Your husband needs a wake up call. He needs to know he can lose you over this. NOT lose you over not having intercourse, but lose you over the fact that you are not being touched and fulfilled. There is NO reason for him to not be able to do that. If he can rub your feet and give a massage, he can "rub" and massage you in other areas. He should be starting with the foot rub. He should not be ending with a damn foot rub!!! And if ED is the main issue, and he addresses that, once he starts to see he can please you in bed without intercourse, the pressure will start to lift for him.
But, he needs to stop being self centered and selfish. Because that is exactly what he's doing by not confronting his fears - no matter how bad they are - and taking steps to do things for you to make you feel fulfilled and satisfied. And a hard penis can have so very little to do with bringing someone sexual satisfaction and intimacy. THAT is what he better wrap his head around and understand. Sex does not have to be mutually physically satisfying. It's something you can and should do for the one you love. When it is mutually physically satisfying, then it's incredible. Until then, his emotional satisfaction through fulfilling your desires and needs should be all the motivation he should ever need. It seems more prevailant in a woman's mindset I believe, but men have it too...this mentality that if "I don't want sex, why should I have to do it? It's my body, blah, blah, blah". Ugh. Do we feel this way when we're giving a back rub for christ's sake? NO! It does not have to be mutually physically satisfying! It's important to your partner, just as backrubs, foot rubs, paying the bills, being a good caring husband and father, wife or mother is. What is mutually physically satisfying about any of that? Yet involve a couple silly body parts below the waist, and suddenly it's okay to not fulfill your partners very real needs because it won't be earth shattering for you?!!! Where the hell did that mentality come from?