Flower I have been tracking your threads from when you first started posting here and elsewhere..
there is still a part of me that is not here with him, and I haven't said "I love you" in almost 2 years-because I don't feel like it's true.
How about starting to say to your husband you love him, the reason why you don't want to say it is because you are fantasizing about the OM .
Practice saying you love your husband as you will find you do and the meaning will follow.
Your husband is angry because you are not putting in the effort and committing to him, yourself or your marriage and he knows this.
Your a slab of meat for the OM , if I recall correctly you yourself said he was doing the same to another woman and I think he is married as well. A specialized philanderer.
How about a bit of honesty with yourself.
The OM feels nothing for you, you are desperate to prove this wrong, guess what after he has used you, abused you, helped destroy your family he will move on---without you.
You have been told numerous times you are a being used by him yet you and you alone insist on shining a torch for him and looking for a reason to contact him.
Your heart is not in the marriage because you are not allowing it to be, you are still committing adultery, you are still in the affair even though it is in your head.
No amount of MC, IC or us telling you is going to stop this. You are dying to send a mail to the OM and meet him, that is what you want, you are desperate to to be proven right and want him to chase you. Big deal , what will you be sloppy thirds , fourths, fifths..choose a number the guy is a serial cheat and you know this.
Time to throw yourself body mind and soul at your husband and family. The only way this will get better is if you kill the affair in your mind.
I do not want to advertise another web site however, go to the Marriage Builders site, book a call with Harley , it is a paid for session and seek advice on what techniques to follow to restore the love in your marriage. They do not do MC they simply guide you through a process. Your marriage is far more important than messing around trying to recover on your own . Only you can change this , improve your marriage and more importantly restore the love and trust between you and your husband. Once you have started to work to a process and your love is returning then by all means go to a MC.
Despite writing the above I am please you came back and have asked for a way forward, a good kick up the butt, radical honesty with your husband a strong dose of will power is needed right now.
Hang in there , keep the NC, it can take up to two years to get out of this rut, you however have to do some serious work.