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i feel guilty but..

60K views 279 replies 53 participants last post by  Decorum 
#1 ·
I was googled "I cheated on my husband' to find someone to talk to because I don't have anyone to talk to and I found this board. I was hoping maybe I could find advice/help or maybe someone like me.

I haven't been married long. (2 years in November) And we are both young. (Both 21) I love him with everything I have. I don't want anything to happen between us and so on and so on. We've been through everything together. He is my support system, and we've gone through a miscarriage together..(about 2 years ago)

My dad got sick and he lives on the other side of the country so I flew out there for like 3 weeks to help him. Before I got back, my husband had to leave for 4 weeks for the army. So we haven't seen each other for a while.

I was at a girl friend's house just sleeping the night because I just didn't want to be home alone. Her baby's father was staying there and things just happened and we had sex. (My girl friend knew). After that I felt extreamly guilty and I really hated myself and I went back and forth if I should tell him. My husband got back and I decided I should keep it a secret and I told my girl friend how I felt and she understood but didn't at the same time.

I know this sounds soooo selfish but my husband works all the time and I just get bored and I just wish we had more time together. Like we won't need the money but then he volunteers to work on his days off. Then like he'll get a day off then he has to go to drill for the army.

So I was back at my friends house, and we had sex again. and again. Now we had sex 6 times and now it's kind of behind my friends back. And I'm just like why do I keep on doing this to myself?

We also moved away from all our family and friends. So I've tried to be like, I'm just not going over there anymore. But I am in this town by myself and she is seriously my only friend..and with her comes him. And with him is temptation that I can't resist.
 
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#43 ·
Open your eyes. You are having unprotected sex with another man behind your husband's back. You are putting your husband at risk for STD's. Your husband has a right to know to protect himself at the very least. This is not just all about you. You are being unbelievably cruel and disrespectful and humiliating to your husband.

How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him? You are treating him like a fool. Does he really deserve this. Do the one honest thing and tell him the truth so he can decide what he wishes to do as well. I think the reason you do not tell him is because you do not wish to suffer any consequences. In addition, if you told him this cheating behavior would be over. By not telling him you could start up again anytime when you get bored. Your husband made a commitment to you and married you and this is the way you repay his love and commitment to him? Be honest and tell him the truth. It is the very least he deserves from you.
 
#44 ·
Hello Mary,

I just saw your post that you told him after my first response. You did very well. I know that this is a painful and crazy time for you and your husband but you both can overcome this. You will now have a marriage based on honesty and respect and not one based on lies and deceit. You will become a better person because you told the truth. Good luck to you and your husband.
 
#45 ·
Mary if he comes home and isn't in jail for killing someone cause that is where I would be in this case. You must never ever blame him or even suggest this happened because of anything he did.

You did it completely on your own.

You made the choice to betray him over and over

And I don't fir one minute buy that you are feeling guilty or bad.

I'm pro marriage but honestly your a person who can't be trusted with another person love or heart. Your selfish and hurtful

If you husband was on this board my advice would be to get the best lawyer be can and to put you on the street and never ever to speak with you again.

Why am I so harsh? Because you are an adult and you have over and over knowinginh chosen to cheat on your good husband and each choice showed just how little you care for anyone but yourself.
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#46 ·
mary by telling him you finally seem to have taken a step in the right direction. Now he knows he can make the informed decision for his own life that he is entitled to. If he chooses to end it or if he wants to work on it, both are his decision right now, you must respect either one. If he wants to reconcile the marriage, you have to decide if that is what you want and commit everything to it. You will have to bust your butt earning his trust back, but if he gives you the chance then know that he still has hope to make it work, so feed off that. Do like others are suggesting, no contact with these people you've had extra-marital sex with (the OM AND your GF) get a job to keep you occupied and contribute to the finances, if you want to be a mom someday having the extra money saved will be a huge benefit. If he doesn't want to reconcile, then that is perfectly respectable too, if you love him then you will respect his decision as much as it may hurt to lose him. Either way, since you have told him this truth you now have the opportunity to improve your relationship.
 
#48 ·
Mary, you have a great deal of growing up to do, I suspect you will soon be experiencing many things that will force that on you.

Mary, I am currently mentoring a young man (22) whose wife (21) of 3 years did something similar. Just sharing his thought process with you: 1. No longer sees het as the mother of his children, no longer day dreams of how they will look like - which features of hers they (he hoped) they will have.

2. None of his friends and co-workers his age are married, has it in his head to divorce at 23 if far different than 33 and 43......why stay with a cheater, why live with that doubt, concern, and fear for the rest of marriage, better to divorce and find a new love that has not betrayed him.

He is on the fence on staying with his wife, I am staying neutral on this one, just helping him work out his thought process.

I wonder Mary, did you so easily do this to force your husband to end your marriage. Did you knowingly or un-knowingly sabotage your marriage so that you could have a different life as you married so young.

God bless, good luck, and I pray you and your betrayed husband heal from this quickly.
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#49 ·
Mary,

Some of the comments may hurt but consider that it's like putting a powerful antiseptic on an infected wound. The pain from it may be unbearable but it shows the degree of the infection inside your soul.

Have you ever been the victim of childhood abuse or rape? I ask because my ex-wife was a victim of rape when she was a teenager by a close cousin. Unfortunately she never dealt with it and carried it to our marriage - unbeknownst to me. It manifested itself later on in our marriage by her year long sexual affair with an OM (other man). You may be like her in which case I would recommend that you immediately try to get into individual counseling to help you confront the demons from your past which have caused you to act in such a self destructive fashion and exorcise them forever.
 
#51 ·
Well here is the update. I just sat and read everyone's post so thanks for all the responces, and I'll try to answer them.

When he got home from work he just sat on the couch next to me. I told him I loved him and that I had something serious to talk about. And I just blurted at, "I had sex with OM" At first he just laughed, and said okay. But then I told him I was being serious and that I was truly sorry. He walked away to the bedroom, I stayed behind at first cause I didn't know if I should let him be alone or what. But then I went back and he asked how many times. At first I said a couple. He wanted an exact number and I told him. And he just left and took off in his car.

Ten minutes later my GF called me asking me what was going on. I was crying by then, and she told me H walked in asked where the OM was and luckily that he wasn't there. So he left and I guess he just drove around for a little while cause he didn't come back for like 20 minutes later.

This moment was probably the hardest to see in my life. Watching my husband cry. I'm crying now just thinking about it cause it hurt so much, and I really didn't mean to hurt him and I really do love him, even though it doesn't seem like I do. He asked me more questions and I did answer them all honestly. He brought up divorce, which I said I didn't want and that I would do anything to get ourselves through this. I told him I blame myself 100 percent and I begged him not to blame himself because he has been perfect and I am the one who messed up, not him.

When night time came, I told him I would sleep in a different room but I really wanted to sleep together and I promised I wouldn't touch him. But when we got in bed, he let me cuddle him. And I pretty much just layed there and cried in his arms telling him how sorry I was. I know it may sound like I was putting on the waterworks, but it seriously was sincere.

We talked some more and he told me that he did love me, but it was just hard. He gave me hope that he was giving me a chance to prove myself. And I know it might have been a bad time, but I asked him if he wanted me to stop the medicine and not go to the doctors when it's time and he told me he still wanted me too. A little later he asked if we could have sex, and we did.

After that, I ended up crying still telling him that I loved him and I seriously just cried myself to sleep and it was just and awful night and I don't think he slept to well either. But we did cuddle all night long.

When I woke up, he already left for work. And he left me a note. "I do love you but idk how i could ever forgive you for what you've done. It hurts more than you can imagine. to be lied to and cheated on like this."

So I don't even really know where I stand at this point.
------------

I don't blame my past for what I've done. but I'll answer the questions. I lost my virginity at a very young age. (13) And I admit I wasn't ready. I wasn't rapped, but I didn't want it to happen. If that makes since at all. The guy was older, I'm guessing he was 18. After that I didn't have sex again until I was in college. And I tried to date around but that didn't really work. I dated this one guy, but he was verbally/physically abusive but we never had sex. I thought I was dating this one guy but realized I was just being used for sex.

Growing up I thought I had great parents. My parents divorced when I was around 9, 10. It was hard. Mainly because my dad kind of went crazy, something my mom says he always was. Now looking back, I see it. My dad would call me telling me I would need to get out of the house by a certain time at night because he would burn the house down and if I didn't, I would die. Or that he was going to kidnap me and take me to Canada. So that age, I was just afraid to do anything. I learned just a little later, that my dad was molesting my sister. He didn't do anything to me or my other sister. (I have 2 sisters, 1 brother. All same parents)


Now my dad lives on the other half of the country. Married and has a 5 year old son with her. Which I admit, kind of pisses me off. I don't forgive my dad for what he has done to my sister, but I went up there to help him when he got sick because of his son, not him. I don't know what's in my sisters mind, but it bothers me that I think she forgave him. She is married and has 2 sons and it just bothers the crap out of me that she hasn't told her husband at all. And they actually go out there and visit him all the time.
^Don't know why I'm telling you this, cause it is irrelevant.
-------------

I didn't cheat on him to ruin the marriage in any way. I completely admit, it was the attention and I just went with it. I did deep inside knew this would hurt my husband and I don't know why I ignored that thought cause I never ever wanted to hurt him. I do love him.
 
#53 ·
Well here is the update. I just sat and read everyone's post so thanks for all the responces, and I'll try to answer them.

When he got home from work he just sat on the couch next to me. I told him I loved him and that I had something serious to talk about. And I just blurted at, "I had sex with OM" At first he just laughed, and said okay. But then I told him I was being serious and that I was truly sorry. He walked away to the bedroom, I stayed behind at first cause I didn't know if I should let him be alone or what. But then I went back and he asked how many times. At first I said a couple. He wanted an exact number and I told him. And he just left and took off in his car.

Ten minutes later my GF called me asking me what was going on. I was crying by then, and she told me H walked in asked where the OM was and luckily that he wasn't there. So he left and I guess he just drove around for a little while cause he didn't come back for like 20 minutes later.

This moment was probably the hardest to see in my life. Watching my husband cry. I'm crying now just thinking about it cause it hurt so much, and I really didn't mean to hurt him and I really do love him, even though it doesn't seem like I do. He asked me more questions and I did answer them all honestly. He brought up divorce, which I said I didn't want and that I would do anything to get ourselves through this. I told him I blame myself 100 percent and I begged him not to blame himself because he has been perfect and I am the one who messed up, not him.

When night time came, I told him I would sleep in a different room but I really wanted to sleep together and I promised I wouldn't touch him. But when we got in bed, he let me cuddle him. And I pretty much just layed there and cried in his arms telling him how sorry I was. I know it may sound like I was putting on the waterworks, but it seriously was sincere.

We talked some more and he told me that he did love me, but it was just hard. He gave me hope that he was giving me a chance to prove myself. And I know it might have been a bad time, but I asked him if he wanted me to stop the medicine and not go to the doctors when it's time and he told me he still wanted me too. A little later he asked if we could have sex, and we did.

After that, I ended up crying still telling him that I loved him and I seriously just cried myself to sleep and it was just and awful night and I don't think he slept to well either. But we did cuddle all night long.

When I woke up, he already left for work. And he left me a note. "I do love you but idk how i could ever forgive you for what you've done. It hurts more than you can imagine. to be lied to and cheated on like this."

So I don't even really know where I stand at this point.
------------

I don't blame my past for what I've done. but I'll answer the questions. I lost my virginity at a very young age. (13) And I admit I wasn't ready. I wasn't rapped, but I didn't want it to happen. If that makes since at all. The guy was older, I'm guessing he was 18. After that I didn't have sex again until I was in college. And I tried to date around but that didn't really work. I dated this one guy, but he was verbally/physically abusive but we never had sex. I thought I was dating this one guy but realized I was just being used for sex.

Growing up I thought I had great parents. My parents divorced when I was around 9, 10. It was hard. Mainly because my dad kind of went crazy, something my mom says he always was. Now looking back, I see it. My dad would call me telling me I would need to get out of the house by a certain time at night because he would burn the house down and if I didn't, I would die. Or that he was going to kidnap me and take me to Canada. So that age, I was just afraid to do anything. I learned just a little later, that my dad was molesting my sister. He didn't do anything to me or my other sister. (I have 2 sisters, 1 brother. All same parents)


Now my dad lives on the other half of the country. Married and has a 5 year old son with her. Which I admit, kind of pisses me off. I don't forgive my dad for what he has done to my sister, but I went up there to help him when he got sick because of his son, not him. I don't know what's in my sisters mind, but it bothers me that I think she forgave him. She is married and has 2 sons and it just bothers the crap out of me that she hasn't told her husband at all. And they actually go out there and visit him all the time.
^Don't know why I'm telling you this, cause it is irrelevant.
-------------

I didn't cheat on him to ruin the marriage in any way. I completely admit, it was the attention and I just went with it. I did deep inside knew this would hurt my husband and I don't know why I ignored that thought cause I never ever wanted to hurt him. I do love him.
so means that you need attention not your marriage, what an EXCUSE.

lucky you, he forgives, but i hope he will change his mind.
 
#52 ·
So Mary what are you going to do next time when you get one of your opportunities to cheat?

How are you changing you life at this point ? What are you doing differently so you don't cheat again and again because though you say you feel bad. You have done it over and over. Which is not the behavior of someone who actually intends to be faithful
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#54 ·
I believe I can turn down temptation. Even though the GF is like my only friend in this town, I am willing to turn off all ties with her/everyone who lives/stays in the house.

I know no matter what I say it sounds like a lame excuse. I really am not trying to look for excuses because there is no excuse for what I do. I know it's all my fault. I don't even blame the OM, even though he really is the last thing in my mind. I really do want forgiveness.

And I told my H. That I don't expect him to forgive me today or anytime soon. But I want hope that he will eventually forgive me.
 
#56 ·
_Mary

You did the right thing. I know you want to live an open and honest life. You have started that now. He will be angry for quite awhile. Hang in there, and be strong. Despite his lashing out, you need to continue to show your love for him.

Go to Marriage Builders and start reading. They have a great program for restoring marriages.

Cypress
 
#57 ·
Mary you need to take serious action to change if you really want your husband to take you back.

In the past you uterly failed not to cheat. You cheated repeatedly despite claimIng each time you didn't want it and wouldn't do it again

Yet do did cheat and with several people.

So I ask again what are you going to do differently.

For starters you should never talk to Anyone who you cheated with ever again you had a threesome with your so called friend didn't you? In fact thus friend seems to be a real piece of work. You know if you continue with her you will cheat again

So are you really honestly feeling guilty and remorseful? Are you actually willing to give up this toxic friend to save your marriage?

If you balk at any of that then you know your true feelings here.
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#59 ·
Jesus! Your joking right???! I am going to be honest with you because you are certainly not being honest with yourself! I am going to try and do this without insulting you , calling you names etc etc etc which all are valid. But, you need some help.
1. The lack of sex, opportunity, distance, your husband being away etc are all ingredients for infidelity anyway! if you have a high sex drive and you do.

Couple that with your young, insecure about your own stability and you've become an easy target for any man/predator!

2. BUY A Vibrator or whatever it takes to get yourself off , to remove any emotional feelings of temptation!
3. Don't tell your husband right now! Don't do it! If you know his temperment, rage level? Don't do it! Its the last distraction he needs while defending our country! The will be a time to tell him but don't you dare try to get pregnant and then tell him!
4. This lowlife friend of yours is no real friend, yeah I know you think so because its all you got! but she is a complete loser that is more than likely jealous of what you have, I believe she HATES YOU! Just food for thought. Get a new friend, join facebook, do something but break your ties with her quickly or at least ignore her.
5. Prepare for the worldwind effect! He will find out! Eventually! your friend will tell him or it will come out and because of your actions and your a repeat! offender! it will come out soon. Maybe 1 month or 2 at best. People can't hold their secrets for long. Tell your husband before that happens.
6. STOP Feeling guilty about something you wanted to do and enjoyed just because you had a sexual craving. I don't know if it works the same for women, but once a males needs are satisfied, the urge dies down and the drive to comment fooling actions diminishes greatly to the point that you can control yourself again.
7. Please do not reply to this with some long extended bs to continue in your defrauding behavior , instead, just own it! take control of it, grow up! If you don't want to be married and just screw anything or anyone then do that , buy you cannot have that type of a relationship in MARRIAGE! without some pretty heavy consequences! Trust me, you don't want to increase the level of crap comming your way. Just STOP! already.

And one more thing, I just have to ask: you quoted, then it turned into a threesome between us" She (your so called girlfriend) is forefilling some sick sexual fantasy she has been wanting for a long time or she is just preying on your vulnerbility. What a piece of work! She is more dangerous to you and your husband than you think?! It the high Art of Sexual Manipulation! It can be a hard thing to resist! especially if this happened again, and I bet it has.

Yet consider this? Your AIDS! VD, etc , if they are this loose with you? why not others?? Whats next? an Orgy? PORN Video, its as if she has already primed you for it? Hell, she probably recorded you already.

Look, I have a good idea of who you are, your young, pretty, yes lonely, but you can always go back to Mom and Dad and say I screwed up! Recover yourself and your life and stop putting it in harms way! Relieve him of the countless stories his buddies are going to have to say about him. *If you get anything out of this, get this, I care! along with alot of other people who have read your post, but if you don't really care? Then whats the point.

You are a victim of a sexual predator and now you are considering joining them to unfortunately keep up the cycle to hurt another beautiful girl like yourself or seduce some poor military slug that won't see it comming. None of this ends well. IF YOU KEEP GOING.

*Keep me posted, I am curious of how the next few weeks unfold for you.***
 
#61 ·
3. Don't tell your husband right now! Don't do it! If you know his temperment, rage level? Don't do it! Its the last distraction he needs while defending our country! The will be a time to tell him but don't you dare try to get pregnant and then tell him!

5. Prepare for the worldwind effect! He will find out! Eventually! your friend will tell him or it will come out and because of your actions and your a repeat! offender! it will come out soon. Maybe 1 month or 2 at best. People can't hold their secrets for long. Tell your husband before that happens.
Did you read this thread? She already told him.



 
#60 ·
This was the only time I cheated on my H..and with only one guy. I don't think that really matters I just wanted to correct you because I'm not that big of a hoe bag.

I am 100 percent ready to end my friendship with the GF.

I knew I always felt guilty but I kept on going back, so obviously I didn't feel guilty enough, right? I mean, I don't even know how to explain it. But I really do feel awful for hurting him and I never want to see him that way again. I don't believe I'm just saying this because he knows now, I really do feel bad.
 
#62 ·
I am 100 percent ready to end my friendship with the GF.
No, you don't need to be "ready to end it"--you should have already ended it. There's no preparation necessary. Delete her # and the OM's # from your phone/FB/email contacts, all of it. No more talking to them. They are a cancer to your marriage.

Really look at yourself and why you did this and stop it because if not, you will destroy every relationship you are involved with in your life if you continue this way. Promise.



 
#63 ·
Oh, I am sorry, I did not see that you TOLD Your Husband! That took GUTS! I didn't think you would do that anytime soon, .. Go see a military counselor , his benefits should cover that, by telling him, you expose that horrible sexual predator of a friend of yours and you have given yourself the opportunity you need to strengthen your moral fiber. I will still hold true to my 1st post though, if you go back to that junk.

He might forgive you, I've seen husbands forgive their wives and vice versa of things worse than what you've done! and I know them. I am proud of you! That really took Courage! I don't know of too many who would come clean after an experience like that.

No matter the outcome, know you did the BEST thing! and that will serve you well in the years to come.
 
#64 ·
Ok so end it.

You need to take aggressive action and stick to them to show your husband that you want to fix this.

Good intentions words an tears are all great but you need to begin making a new marriagehttp://www.lightbluetouchpaper.org/2009/12/07/what-does-detica-detect with him. Your old one is dead and gone. He will never ever trust you like before. He may forgive you and try for the marriage. But it is entirely your job to do anything needed to fix his broken heart


Start by on your own permanently ending ALL contact with the OM
and your friend who aided the cheating.
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#65 ·
Yeah, sorry, My browser cut off her last post when I replied to it. But you have to admit, her friend is some sort of sexual predator! The poor thing did not have chance. I live in a Navy Town, I'm around Military 24/7 I have heard and seen a lot stuff, unfortunately, her story is like 6 out 10 here when the husband or wife is deployed for long periods of time. Yes, the ratio is declining.
 
#66 ·
Random question.

Should I tell my mom?

He told me yesterday that he really wanted to call his mom just so he would have someone to talk to, but didn't because he said if there was any chance he would forgive me, he didn't want her hating me. I didn't even know what to say to that.
 
#74 ·
When I gave up my affair to my wife I knew that her mother was the only real person she would have to turn to for support so I knew she had to know. The only thing I asked my wife post D Day was to let me be the one to tell my mother in law in my wife's presence, for two reasons. First, I did it and I wanted my wife to see me stand up and be held accountable. Second, I wanted to be there to defend myself. This doesn't mean that I wanted to justify what I had done, but I wanted to be sure that the dialogue stayed within the realm of truth and reality and didn't paint me or my intentions into something that they were not. So my W called my MIL and at 9am I confessed to her. My wife also wanted the input of my parents and I owed my father an apology for my behavior so later that same day I met with them and my wife and confessed to them. All in all a very long day. My family dynamics certainly played a part in the above for two reasons. First, everyone above has some first hand experience with infidelity - I'll leave it at that. Second, we all live in the same town and are very close to each other. Beyond our parents I let my wife tell whomever she wanted. I did tell her of a few people who I thought would be less than respectful of her wishes to keep it confidential. To date I think she has told only two of her friends. The ironic thing is that my wife really needed and wanted the support of her mother and my parents, and since I told them, everyone wants to pretend like it never happened.

You're doing good so far, hang in there it will get better. Be there for your husband. Let him see you do the things like establish and abide by no contact, taking ownership and being remorseful. Communicate with him, you are and will be in pain to, tell him about it - let him know you are hurting to. Confide in each other, lean on each other - you can use this to build your marriage together into something stronger than it was before. The marriage you had yesterday is gone. The one you have now will either be better or worse. It is up to you and your husband which it will be. My wife and I now have a far better marriage than we did before my affair - it can be done. It's hard painful work, but it's worth it.
 
#68 ·
I wish you luck. It sounds like your husband loves you very much also. You were correct in telling him. I think he will give you another opportunity. You have learned a hard lesson. If you are ever tempted again just imagine your husbands face while he was crying to you. If this does not stop you then nothing will.
 
#69 ·
I'd say no on telling any moms. You both need someone to talk to, but telling family will forever color their perception. Counseling is the way to go. IC for probably both of you so your H can talk out his feelings with someone, and for you to find out why you did this. MC for both of you - you'll need it to help you get through this assault on your marriage.
 
#70 · (Edited)
Here's some advice:

1. Like Jelly said, go get tested for STDs. You had sex with your husband last night and may have exposed him to one. Don't wait, do it ASAP.

2. End your friendship with GF and OM FOREVER. Write both them a NC (no contact) letter in which you explain that in order to save your marriage, you will no longer have anything to do with her and the OM. As some other member commented, she is no friend of yours or of the marriage. Show it to your husband and have him mail it.

3. Commit to total transparency where you lovingly allow yourself to become accountable to him for your whereabouts 24/7. Give him any passwords to your cell phone, email accounts, social networking sites, etc. Your commitment to adhere to this policy will be the foundation for his rebuilding trust in you.

4. Get yourself into IC (individual counseling) to address and resolve your overwhelming desire for male attention. I use the term overwhelming because while it is normal for a young married woman like yourself to be sexually attracted to other men besides her husband, you seem to lack the ability to observe marital boundaries when you find yourself feeling lonely. It's almost like you used the sex you had with the OM to escape from the problems you were having with your husband. Conflict avoidance? If you do go to counseling, invite him to join you as an observer and emotional supporter of your personal healing.

5. Recovery for your husband MAY take anywhere from 2 to 5 years. He's going to go through an emotional roller coaster ride where he's going to have days when his love for you will be unquestionable followed by days of despair and hopelessness regarding you and the marriage. It is important that you do not react to his lashing out at you during the low days because it is not so much he's angry with but angry at himself for being weak and unmanly by staying married to you. The problem is that we men are stubbornly bullheaded when it comes to asking for help via counseling and your husband may be no exception. For this reason, invite him to this forum where he can get the support he needs from other betrayed husbands, some of who happen to be military men. If he does decide to join TAM (talk about marriage) he'll see that he is not alone and that he is still as much a man as he's always been.

As Bryanp said, you and your husband now have an opportunity to build a happy and healthy marriage free of the lies and deception of the old marriage. But it is up to the two of you to put in the hard work to make that a reality.

Good luck.
 
#71 ·
You both need to get tested for STDs since you had sex last night.

I don't even think you shouldo write a NC letter. I think you should just go no contact wtih nary a sword spoken. Not only do you need IC to figure out why you need all this male attention--but you also need to work on why you felt it was ok to sleep with your girlfriend's boyfriend... in front of her and repeatedly behind her back. You have poor boundaries.



 
#75 ·
I don't even think you shouldo write a NC letter. I think you should just go no contact wtih nary a sword spoken.
I hate to disagree with the great one :D. But a NC letter IS necessary because this so called 'friend' of hers encouraged her to have sex with another man not once but many times as long as she was present. She is toxic to Mary and her husband and needs to be told that she is no longer considered a friend and to never again reach out to her. As someone said with friends like her, who needs enemies?

If Mary truly wants to regain her husband's trust in her than this is a must. I doubt that any betrayed spouse would want their cheating spouse to leave the door unlocked so that such a toxic person can waltz right in when it suits him or her. An NC letter locks the door on that person forever.

Mary, you should inform your husband of any calls or contacts from your so called friend (or the OM) as soon as possible, otherwise you risk in losing whatever shred of trust your husband has left for you and sabotaging any efforts to rebuild your marriage.
 
#72 ·
My take on this was that it just turned into a waterfall. Kind of like, well, I f*cked up already, so I guess I can take this fun ride a little longer until I come to my senses. Now the ride is over, and who knows if your H will forgive you or not.

All you can do is be there for him. It may not be enough, but if you want to save your marriage, you have to try this.

I think the NC letter does serve the purpose of showing the H that she is committed to ending that relationship. If she says nothing and just does dark forever from them with no letter, the H can't really see the door closing.

Not trying to rain on the parade here, but going physical more than once would be a deal breaker for me. A one night stand while really drunk...maybe I could get past it. But several times, no way. Be prepared that he might feel the same way and never forgive. Because of this, you do need to get a job to protect yourself financially.

VERY surprised your H asked for sex right away. When I found out my wife had an EA (emotional affair) and she came on to me, I rejected her the first time. For him to initiate, knowing you had unprotected.....wait, did you tell him your sex was unprotected???
 
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