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I'm running blind

9K views 80 replies 15 participants last post by  HurtinginTN 
#1 ·
Don't even know where to start, but here I go.
Me and my wife met on Eharmony, we both had a reasons to be searching for people on an online dating sites. We both run successful businesses and we were able to connect through Eharmony. We actually have a crap load in common.

We got married in 2007 and everything was picture perfect. I sold my house and moved in with her at her house. We had our ups and downs, a lot of downs. One of the major problems in our relationship was her child that was 11 and now he is 17. We had major parenting conflicts and have gotten into may fights because of this. For instance I like people to earn something rather than it just being handed to you. Like a car, cell phone, she even gives him her CC to go shopping with and he'll drop $900 in clothes. Our finances are separate and she pays her own CC payments, so some of you out there are saying, "Dude what's your problem, your lucky she pays her own CC". My response is he is over indulged and talks about dropping out of school, he just got fired from his job for 3 no call no shows. ect. No drive to earn anything and over indulging a child is dangerous behavior. Unless you want to live with your step child when hes 30 years old. This is just one of out tension points.

Two years ago her dad past away, and he was only 59. Complications with heart surgery. He was in ICU for 8 months and that was emotionally draining and she hasn't been the same since. She tells me she's over it as best as she can be, but I know she's not. Her dad was definitely #1 in her life. He ran the business that she took over after the fact. She tells me I wasn't there for her during that hard time in her life and there is no talking her out of her feelings. She discounts the 100's of hours I spent at the hospital, because I wasn't there as much as she needed me apparently. The ICU only allowed 2 people to go in to see him at a time and it was always her mom and her in there, I spent countless hours in a waiting room.

In the downturn of the economy her business has been suffering and I know that is a huge amount of added stress on her. Some weeks she has a hard time meeting payroll.

We have had our fights where she has said "I want a divorce" in the past, and those words cut deep. We have separated before in the past, she says 'I left her" 3 times and really she forgets that she told me to leave.

Long story short, 2 days ago she said she needed to talk to me. When ever she says that I know there is a serious problem. She told me that she has noticed that I have been trying really hard for our relationship for the past 3 month, but she said she has already checked out. She has never said those words to me before, and then the conversation moved to who keeps the house. So I knew she was serious. She told me she had talked to her mom and she could move in with her mom or with her brother. Or I could move in with my brother, and that might be easier. In all practical reasons moving in with my brother would make more since, since I got rid of everything to before we got married to be with her.

We do have serious communication issues, she is the type of person that has to be right on everything and sometimes it's embarrassing, especially when she doesn't know what she's talking about. She was arguing with some furniture movers 5 days ago that our bed was not a California King, and they were installing the bed in our bedroom, and they set the bed to a regular king, and the bed didn't fit. Then she was arguing with the professional furniture movers that she has never bought one before and they didn't know what to say. They just set the bed to a California King size and guess what???? The bed fits! The only reason I'm telling you something so petty is that is I have a problem with our relationship and need to talk to her I have to put kid gloves on, even if I know I'm right.

Maybe she's just so unhappy that anything just pisses her off.

She told me 2 days ago that for the rest of my life I would settle for a "Mediocre" Marriage and she can't. So she's not saying the marriage is bad just mediocre. I see no signs of cheating or anything like that, but how do women just turn off a switch like that? Is it that her business is failing, her dad died, her son is driving her up a wall, and her marriage isn't what she wants, and I'm the only thing she can throw away?

I have taken my wife all over the world, Twice! Mediocre? For example, Rome 2 times, Venice, Switzerland, Monte Carlo, Canada skiing 2 times, France, Costa Rica 2 times, Cozumel 3 times, Cancun 4 times, and pretty much every island in the Caribbean. I guess those places are pretty "mediocre"

I told her that if she wanted to leave then I would appreciate if she was the one who moved out, since it was her idea to separate, and it would be better for me if she did it sooner than later. It is really hard to try to get over someone if they are in your same living environment. We don't have kids. She was a little offended that I just wouldn't go to my brothers, which I may anyway.

I hope you guys read this, I know it's hard to put 5-7 years on one post. I love her, don't want it to end. But if the grass is greener maybe she needs to find out. She if incredibly good looking so she won't have a hard time finding anyone to find out. I'm not ugly either. (I Think)

Please if you can give me advise, any advise, something. If you think my story sucks let me know that too! I don't know what to do.
 
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#27 ·
She's going to be here in an hour. I'm so nervous and I know the outcome. I need to be strong and not cry but I am feeling weak right now. She told me today that she will take her debit card and change the name at the gym tomorrow so I'm not paying for her membership anymore. I really know what the outcome of the conversation is going to be and I'm am not prepared for the rejection again. Help me quick!
 
#28 ·
Keep your head up remain cool and get any crying you need to out right now at least try too. While talking with her think of how she has done you and try to use feelings of anger to get you through that part of it. Remember this is a chance to show that you are cool with all this no matter what your feeling inside.
 
#37 ·
So I'm back, I kinda got what I wanted but I now have to live with my consequences. She will be moving back into the house so she can finish the house. We both felt that that was the right decision. I didn't loose my cool at all. I was calm, thanks to you guys giving me a pep talk before she got here. I really appreciate this board because I don't have anyone I can really express my feeling to. I recorded the whole conversation with my iphone. One of the things she said was, "I don't want to live in a mediocre marriage, and If I have to be single until I find GREAT, or maybe I'll be single the rest of my life, then I'm willing to do that, I hope I didn't just jinx myself"

Those words cut very deep, right before she said that she said "that we had something great and everyone was jealous of our Marriage, and everybody envy's and still envy's us because we get along so well" WTF

Then she brings up her cousin and how they have been married for 16 years and love each-other more now than ever. So it's almost like everything she wants is something I can't give her, She says were missing something.

She's not willing to go to counseling she done with counselors.

There is a quick update.

BTW Mediocre??? I know I brought this up before, but I don't know how may other people out there she will be able to find that will be able to take her to all the places I have been able to take her. Costa Rica, Rome, Turkey, Switzerland, Italy , France, Monte Carlo, Spain, Every Island in the Caribbean, Cozumel, Cancun, countless times to Vail, Whistler BC, Aspen, ECT. Apparently I'm one mediocre guy.

I know trips don't make a marriage, but DAMN mediocre????

Long Story short, I will be moving into my brothers house, not really wanting to though. But at least I don't have to pay a $3,000 a month mortgage. She can afford it so I'm not really worried about that. Her pride won't be able to come to me for money.

What do you guys think. Sorry it took long to write back I've been in deep thought. I really appreciate the support from you guys before she got here. It was a life saver.
 
#38 ·
As in the words of Charlie Sheen, you are "WINNING" the pressure relief will allow you to open yourself to other possibilities, a new place for you, exercising, going out, etc. Let her experience real mediocre out there. Men able and willing to show you a good time are few and far between. To rub it in, stay ready for her, always have somewhere to go (even by yourself) and looking good and pleasant...it will eat he insides out LOLOLOL
 
#40 ·
I mean, always seem mysterious and have her wondering what you are up to. Get sharp on her and let her see you leaving and looking happy on the outside, even though your heart is breaking and you are only going to the movies of someplace. I know what you mean, after 5 years with someone steady and dependable, when my big headed azz H left I felt the winds out of my sails, and the still are not flying right because I have no one to spend time doing what I like doing, and it is hard and lonely.
 
#41 ·
Well congrats man. You held it together. Sounds like you gave her to much so she thinks there just might be better out there but guess what it will be hard for her to find! She will realize that one day. And I agree with HNH just go out smiling wherever you go and dont never let her know what your doing. Be short with her and dont give in.
 
#42 ·
Thanks for the advise, One part that really sucked is she said if I was asking her now if we are going through a "Separation" or moving forward with a "Divorce" she said "If I was asking right now to make a decision it would be Divorce". So I guess this is where I have to start the acceptance phase, I'm not ready for that. The rejection is killing me. I woke up at 4:30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. Why is life so cruel???
 
#43 ·
I know how you feel man. I would get out of there as quick as possible and implement the 180 with no or as little contact as possible. She said divorce and that is what you need to pursue. Its a hard thing to accept but believe me it will get easier and better just surround yourself with good people and get through it taking one day at a time.

As I said in another thread "Life just deals the cards We play the hand"
 
#44 ·
GM, hope you are feeling better was you were able to get some sleep. Don't delay getting the legal ball rolling, so that you both won't be held liable for what happens in each other's life. A scary as it seems, life just goes back to what you were before getting with you mate, and chances are that is not bad.
 
#45 ·
Just an update, I have moved in with my brother and his family. Really sad, and she has moved into the house. I get to save money I guess that's the only positive. I will continue my "Mediocre" life!

My wife just purchased a 70K truck today. This is typical of her to passify herself with something new when she is going through a hard time. She wants to deflect her feeling into something new.
 
#47 ·
Thanks for the Possitive words, I'm really not excited to be here, I am at least welcome with open arms. That's the only thing nice. It's hard to just LET GO! I want her to just turn her switch back on and have me come back. I still need to go back for the rest of my furniture. Maybe this weekend. I cried so badly this morning, I am so weak! But I will never let her know.
 
#48 ·
Man I know it sucks but you will be better off in the long run. I definately know its hard to let go that is my biggest problem but we cant hold onto something that dont want to be held. You got people on your side and that is the big thing. I think we all want them to turn the switch back on but unfortunately we have no control on that all we can do is work on ourselves and focus on our future without them. Just try and get your furniture when she is not there if possible. Crying is something that will probably happen for a little while but like you said DO NOT let her see it at all.
 
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