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I'm running blind

9K views 80 replies 15 participants last post by  HurtinginTN 
#1 ·
Don't even know where to start, but here I go.
Me and my wife met on Eharmony, we both had a reasons to be searching for people on an online dating sites. We both run successful businesses and we were able to connect through Eharmony. We actually have a crap load in common.

We got married in 2007 and everything was picture perfect. I sold my house and moved in with her at her house. We had our ups and downs, a lot of downs. One of the major problems in our relationship was her child that was 11 and now he is 17. We had major parenting conflicts and have gotten into may fights because of this. For instance I like people to earn something rather than it just being handed to you. Like a car, cell phone, she even gives him her CC to go shopping with and he'll drop $900 in clothes. Our finances are separate and she pays her own CC payments, so some of you out there are saying, "Dude what's your problem, your lucky she pays her own CC". My response is he is over indulged and talks about dropping out of school, he just got fired from his job for 3 no call no shows. ect. No drive to earn anything and over indulging a child is dangerous behavior. Unless you want to live with your step child when hes 30 years old. This is just one of out tension points.

Two years ago her dad past away, and he was only 59. Complications with heart surgery. He was in ICU for 8 months and that was emotionally draining and she hasn't been the same since. She tells me she's over it as best as she can be, but I know she's not. Her dad was definitely #1 in her life. He ran the business that she took over after the fact. She tells me I wasn't there for her during that hard time in her life and there is no talking her out of her feelings. She discounts the 100's of hours I spent at the hospital, because I wasn't there as much as she needed me apparently. The ICU only allowed 2 people to go in to see him at a time and it was always her mom and her in there, I spent countless hours in a waiting room.

In the downturn of the economy her business has been suffering and I know that is a huge amount of added stress on her. Some weeks she has a hard time meeting payroll.

We have had our fights where she has said "I want a divorce" in the past, and those words cut deep. We have separated before in the past, she says 'I left her" 3 times and really she forgets that she told me to leave.

Long story short, 2 days ago she said she needed to talk to me. When ever she says that I know there is a serious problem. She told me that she has noticed that I have been trying really hard for our relationship for the past 3 month, but she said she has already checked out. She has never said those words to me before, and then the conversation moved to who keeps the house. So I knew she was serious. She told me she had talked to her mom and she could move in with her mom or with her brother. Or I could move in with my brother, and that might be easier. In all practical reasons moving in with my brother would make more since, since I got rid of everything to before we got married to be with her.

We do have serious communication issues, she is the type of person that has to be right on everything and sometimes it's embarrassing, especially when she doesn't know what she's talking about. She was arguing with some furniture movers 5 days ago that our bed was not a California King, and they were installing the bed in our bedroom, and they set the bed to a regular king, and the bed didn't fit. Then she was arguing with the professional furniture movers that she has never bought one before and they didn't know what to say. They just set the bed to a California King size and guess what???? The bed fits! The only reason I'm telling you something so petty is that is I have a problem with our relationship and need to talk to her I have to put kid gloves on, even if I know I'm right.

Maybe she's just so unhappy that anything just pisses her off.

She told me 2 days ago that for the rest of my life I would settle for a "Mediocre" Marriage and she can't. So she's not saying the marriage is bad just mediocre. I see no signs of cheating or anything like that, but how do women just turn off a switch like that? Is it that her business is failing, her dad died, her son is driving her up a wall, and her marriage isn't what she wants, and I'm the only thing she can throw away?

I have taken my wife all over the world, Twice! Mediocre? For example, Rome 2 times, Venice, Switzerland, Monte Carlo, Canada skiing 2 times, France, Costa Rica 2 times, Cozumel 3 times, Cancun 4 times, and pretty much every island in the Caribbean. I guess those places are pretty "mediocre"

I told her that if she wanted to leave then I would appreciate if she was the one who moved out, since it was her idea to separate, and it would be better for me if she did it sooner than later. It is really hard to try to get over someone if they are in your same living environment. We don't have kids. She was a little offended that I just wouldn't go to my brothers, which I may anyway.

I hope you guys read this, I know it's hard to put 5-7 years on one post. I love her, don't want it to end. But if the grass is greener maybe she needs to find out. She if incredibly good looking so she won't have a hard time finding anyone to find out. I'm not ugly either. (I Think)

Please if you can give me advise, any advise, something. If you think my story sucks let me know that too! I don't know what to do.
 
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#55 ·
I don't know if she has a "Possum" yet. She never had any signs of having one. It would make sense if there was, but I would be even more devastated. I keep hoping that there is not, but it always in the back of my mind, and starting to come more forward in my mind rather than the 'Back"

She text-ed me this morning to tell me she found a scorpion in the shower. Why is she trying to make small talk with me?
 
#58 ·
I can tell you that only you can make you happy. Only she can make herself happy. Right now she is thinking that material things make her happy. All they are going to make her is empty. I suggest you make a firm commitment to yourself to go and work out every day, take the time to do things that make you happy (e.g. Fishing, Reading, Bike Riding, etc.). These activities will help ground you and make you feel better.
Obviously your wife is a person who has always been spoiled. I expect her daddy looked after her in everything, and I expect that her daddy's company will also be gone in a few years. It sounds like she is overspending to compensate for her own unhappiness. I know you said she will not go to marriage counseling but it sounds to me like she needs therapy.

That being said, you need to hang tough and be the man. No crying, no begging, just be calm, cool and collected when you talk with her. If you want to push her buttons tell her what a great workout you just had at the gym. Don't go out and make any rash purchases yourself, just take the time to work on your spiritual side and up your mental game. If you need to talk to a therapist there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Just remember you have friends and people that care about you, and that even though you love her and want to be with her that there are plenty of other women out there if this does not work out, and that you are worthy of their attention.
 
#59 ·
I am so sad now, I just finished moving all of my stuff out of the house.
Within the last 4 hours, she has now changed or deleted her "relationship" status on FB. Not "Separated" but took it off completely.

I have now hit a new bottom, she doesn't want to reconcile. I am in a world of hurt and pain!....
 
#60 ·
sorry to hear about that...but now you can start the healing process..my wife didn't want to reconcile either...and yes it does hurt ..still does and probably will for awhile, but I am getting used to it more and more each day....You will too..
Keep your head up it will all be ok...I know its cliche' but it will be ok..


Hang in there
 
#61 ·
Thanks, I'm just so tore up inside! This is even worse that when she told me that she wanted a Divorce. It seems so real now, before I always had hope that we could work through it. But if she deleted her relationship status, I'm sure she is done with me.
I am in deep depression, I have to get to the acceptance point, but I would do anything to make the pain go away!
 
#62 ·
I am so glad this site is here too thank you all for your support.
The wonder if my STBXW is with someone is even more gut wrenching. I know some of you would wish they were in my situation since they know their other is already with someone.
My curiosity is now over whelming me, since yesterday she deleted her relationship status off her fb wall. As I was moving my stuff out of the house. I am at a new low, and have only slept 6 hours the past 2 days. Sometimes the little things seem so cruel. I've been crying for hours now.
It's actually harder to be here at my brothers house since I have to hold back my emotions and I can't cry.
I just miss her so much!
 
#63 ·
She said your marriage was mediocre. Want a chance at getting her back - make your single life spectacular. If she's bored, seeing you fall apart isn't her thinking, ' oooo I want that back', but if you're out there living the life, looking your best ever- then you might pique her interest again.
Sorry you're going through this - it really sucks!
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#65 ·
Control, she knows she got you by the proverbal balls, and is testing the waters to make sure. I know it hurts to the bone, but time is running out for you to show her you are serious about getting on with life with her or withour her. Soon, she will cast out any definace by you to her mistreatment of you. Take steps to work your way bak to having control of your life. She hasn't change (you either) the same things that drove yo crazy before will again given the chance. You have to trust something you can't see nor feel to get you through this hurt.
 
#66 ·
Yes she is playing with your mind. Turn it around on her if she is texting small talk dont answer it back. I know its hard but do not give her the satisfaction. Anytime you feel like letting the emotions go let them go dont worry if anyone is around. This is one of the worst things you will go through in life so be strong you can make it through this. Just go do things you like and make the best life you can and show her you are fine without her.
 
#67 ·
This is like emotional combat. Use the tactics you are being given here. Its more important than you may think. Go dark.....no texting small talk with her. Appear happy regardless! When you do have to talk to her be all business. It will screw up her game plan. Trust us!
 
#68 ·
I have to go with the consensus here, go dark on any small talk, only reply or initiate contact if it's business. After a few days or a week of dark, she may stop trying with the small talk. This will hurt too, because then you'll wonder if she even thinks about you. And when you do contact her about business, be prepared for her to start with the small talk again, go dark again immediately. She may then turn to insults or pity plays. This will kill you to ignore, just remember she's a big girl and capable (and deserving) of dealing with the same feelings that you are in all of this. I'm going through that right now...but I know going dark has done a lot of good for me, at least in terms of knowing I'm more in control of the situation than she is...small prize you may think, but it's better than feeling kicked to the curb, her knowing how 100% devastated you are, AND losing more respect in her eyes (and more importantly, yours) for showing a lack of basic strength and dignity.

Cry when you need to, try to keep it to yourself or your closest friends/therapist if possible. It's all good. And when you do see her next and you show her no negative emotion, just upbeat and calm demeanor that things are "fine", you very well may walk away feeling horrible. Especially if she puts on the same show as you. Remember, anything you're feeling, so is she, at least to some degree. you're not trying to make her "feel bad", you're trying to demonstrate to yourself and her that you will be fine on your own. whether or not she acknowledges this, she will see it. (well, at least that's what I'm banking on...)

As for FB, I say who gives a crap. The night I left a couple weeks ago, I was defriended by my STBXW, also defriended were my family and some of my friends. Two friends that I know of are still awaiting the chopping block. She kept her status as married for a few days and then it went to nothing. As for me, I'm off the grid, I deactivated my account (temporarily) and will reinstate in the near future. No need to have my page up when the condolences start trickling in. Also no need to have a public forum where she or her friends could mess with my head. They wanna do that, call me. Perhaps you could consider doing the same...Hang in there man, it sucks for all parties involved...
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#69 ·
I just got word from a mutual friend that this is over. She told them she wants a divorce. He talked to her for over an hour, There were no pictures of us up in the house. How can 6 years go so dark??

I'm so trying to keep it together but I'm dying inside.

No emotion when he told her I am hurting so badly. I didn't tell him to say that. Couldn't control what he said, I wasn't there. She must be completely over me. I have to accept this, but it's hurts too bad to let go! even though she has already done so. Apparently she put a picture up of her father where we were supposed to put a TV, above the fireplace. I guess I know where I stand. #2 do her father who passed 3 years ago. Or maybe I'm over analyzing it.

For her to get to that picture that she had to put up, she had to sift through pictures of our wedding. The house is under remodel so they were all together. But the pictures of us at our wedding were not there when he was there. Those Pictures of our wedding were canvas pictures that were huge and they had to have been moved somewhere. Apparently she's trying to get over me, and can't get over her fathers death if that is where his picture is above the fireplace.

How can I move on???

I can't blame her for for loving her father. I just am so pissed that I had to deal with her fathers death and the next guy gets a clean slate. :(
 
#72 ·
I lost it in front of my brother this morning, he came up to me and told me he was so sorry. Then he started crying for me and my pain. He doesn't want to see his twin brother going through this pain. I'm glad I have someone so close

My twin brother has always been an issue with my STBXW, she always though I put him first. Unfortunately nobody can break the bond of identical twins.
 
#74 ·
I had a great conversation with my X Girlfriend who we have a daughter together. She is happily married and has a great life with her husband, and my daughter. I know she loves me and it breaks her heart to see me going through this. She has always had the right things to say, and she told me this quote:

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent" Eleanor Roosevelt

Really think about that!
 
#76 ·
So had to go to the house to pick up the dogs because STBXW was doing a girls trip up north for her friends 40th BDay. She said there was still stuff of mine in the house. I told her I would get it when I was there
She had all my stuff packed up by the door for me. How sweet of her. Why is she so "Hurry the F Up and get out"? She didn't really say that but dam!
Then she text me what camping gear I took, and I told her a couple chairs, my sleeping bag, and a griddle. She text me back that I took "HER" griddle. WTF I just put a $8,000 BBQ Built in in the house 4 weeks ago. Why is she being so cold?? And Petty?
 
#78 ·
I think it is control. They still want to feel as though they have the control in the relationship because they made the decision. When the leaver does or takes something from the leavee they never get called out on it, for not wanting to upset them. Tell her to buy another grill and forgetaboutt ;o)
 
#79 ·
So haven't posted for a couple weeks. Just not doing well at all today. She has filed for divorce, and she has admitted to going out on dates and it's only been barely a month since she told me she wanted a divorce. I blocked her on fb yesterday because all my friends can see I've been beating myself up over the past month. She is constantly posting new pics, changing her profile pic 3 times in a week.

On top of it all in 2 hours, 4 years ago we walked down the aisle together. Today is our anniversary. I sent her a nice email last night, but I got no response. I had to do it anyway for my celebration of the happiest day of my life.

What a day!!!
 
#80 ·
Sorry to hear your having a tough time. Its crazy how some people are willing to throw everything away. I would have blocked her along time ago on FB no need in me seeing her or her seeing me. Just keep your head up and know it will get better. We will continue to go through ups and downs just have to wade through it.
 
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