Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

riverbrooke · 07-22-2007, 10:51 PM

HI Suzyq,

I am new to this community, married for 16 years with 9 children. I read your thread and I am so sorry that you had to find out his thoughts on the internet. I have just a few questions before I try to recommend something to you, however, I do believe you already have the answers. It's really good to get the advice of others as long as you know that the advice comes from one who is living in a fairly successful marriage, not a perfect one, but one where love still reigns, it is practiced and expressed and forgiveness comes easily. I would say that my marriage is fairly successful. We have had our challenges, but with forgiveness and God's help we are still very much in love and still prefer the company of each other.

With that being said, on a daily basis, how often do you and your husband discuss relational issues? Do you have a fairly good intimate life (if I may ask)? Do you know his reason for drinking? I know you said that he is not comfortable with counseling, is there a mutual friend of the family or family member in whom you and your spouse can share your feelings with? If so, maybe having a dinner with them and your spouse would open up the door to dialogue. If not, an intimate dinner out with the expressed intent to calmly talk about what's in his heart may be the beginning of addressing some long pent up frustration. Be prepared in your heart to hear him, truly hear him, and accept whatever he says for what it is. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth will speak. Simply, what's really in your heart, whether a person is comfortable with that feeling or not, will eventually make it's way out of the mouth. Clearly, it bothers him to admit it and to really deal with it if he says that he loves you. Maybe, just maybe, he is angry with himself, and his accomplishments and/or failures in life (could be a mid-life crisis, I do not profess to be a psychiatrist). I think at some point we all would like things to be a tad different about something, but his feelings are very serious and those issues need to be addressed. Not only for yourself and your family, but also for him. He will be throwing away something very good for something very fixable.

Forgive him, I know it sounds hard, but you can do it, because the problem isn't you or the children, the problem lies within himself. Love him through it, get understanding about what he is going through before you put up any defenses. Marriage is so much like a garden, if we leave it unattended for any given length, the weeds, bugs and beetles, and anything else will creep in and destroy anything growing beautifully. Try talking alone, away from home first. I say away from home because at home the needs of the house usually call out to you, the phone rings, the children need your attention, etc. First, forgive the trespass, get away, talk, get your listening ears on and really seek to understand what's going in the heart of your husband.

I hope this thread helps in some small way.

RIVERBROOKE

07-22-2007, 10:51 PM	#2 (permalink)
riverbrooke Registered User Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 2	Riverbrooke HI Suzyq, I am new to this community, married for 16 years with 9 children. I read your thread and I am so sorry that you had to find out his thoughts on the internet. I have just a few questions before I try to recommend something to you, however, I do believe you already have the answers. It's really good to get the advice of others as long as you know that the advice comes from one who is living in a fairly successful marriage, not a perfect one, but one where love still reigns, it is practiced and expressed and forgiveness comes easily. I would say that my marriage is fairly successful. We have had our challenges, but with forgiveness and God's help we are still very much in love and still prefer the company of each other. With that being said, on a daily basis, how often do you and your husband discuss relational issues? Do you have a fairly good intimate life (if I may ask)? Do you know his reason for drinking? I know you said that he is not comfortable with counseling, is there a mutual friend of the family or family member in whom you and your spouse can share your feelings with? If so, maybe having a dinner with them and your spouse would open up the door to dialogue. If not, an intimate dinner out with the expressed intent to calmly talk about what's in his heart may be the beginning of addressing some long pent up frustration. Be prepared in your heart to hear him, truly hear him, and accept whatever he says for what it is. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth will speak. Simply, what's really in your heart, whether a person is comfortable with that feeling or not, will eventually make it's way out of the mouth. Clearly, it bothers him to admit it and to really deal with it if he says that he loves you. Maybe, just maybe, he is angry with himself, and his accomplishments and/or failures in life (could be a mid-life crisis, I do not profess to be a psychiatrist). I think at some point we all would like things to be a tad different about something, but his feelings are very serious and those issues need to be addressed. Not only for yourself and your family, but also for him. He will be throwing away something very good for something very fixable. Forgive him, I know it sounds hard, but you can do it, because the problem isn't you or the children, the problem lies within himself. Love him through it, get understanding about what he is going through before you put up any defenses. Marriage is so much like a garden, if we leave it unattended for any given length, the weeds, bugs and beetles, and anything else will creep in and destroy anything growing beautifully. Try talking alone, away from home first. I say away from home because at home the needs of the house usually call out to you, the phone rings, the children need your attention, etc. First, forgive the trespass, get away, talk, get your listening ears on and really seek to understand what's going in the heart of your husband. I hope this thread helps in some small way. RIVERBROOKE