Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - Husband construes everything as critical???

October2011 · 10-07-2011, 12:42 PM

Hello all. Thanks in advance for your support or advice. I have a strange issue here and no clue how to work on or with it. Been together roughly 10 years, 1 child still a baby.

My H is very, very avoidant. If I bring any issue to him, no matter how small, or even not an issue at all just a statement or a question he does 1 or 2 things. 1, he will either adopt a "hang dog demeanor" mumble and wander away, avoiding the topic and refusing to address it at all. Or he will immediately become defensive and go on the attack, becoming accusatory or shoot for the gut with the meanest thing he could possibly say in the moment. These tactics have resulted in any issues I may have being eft hanging, never dealt with and me rarely approaching him about anything at all.

I've struggled for a long time on what to do about this and I think I'm beginning to understand it more. I try to talk to him about what's causing him to do these things and his claim is that I am super critical of him. I swear I'm not. He also claims this about any close personal relationship he's ever had, relationships, close friendships, parenting relationships... he claims they all were this way.

So I think we're beginning to get to it. I've started asking my husband to repeat back what I said. He is unable to repeat it back without adding onto it a negative twist that he's included on in his mind. I explained that I feel him adding this twist to what I say is damaging to both of us and muddies the statement turning it into something else. He says this is simply the nature of communication and maybe I should be clearer.

I've even told him I want to show you what I'm talking about. I'm going to ask you to not do something, something that I don't actually mind and don't actually want you to not do, just as an example of how you are interpreting what I'm saying. I said "I want you to stop picking up the binkey off the floor and putting it into baby's mouth." (eh' the floors are pretty darn clean and I don't mind. I do it too.) He immediately came back with "Oh, so you want to force me not to do something but you get to do it. You're just controlling. You want me to behave exactly the way you want. You want to turn me into a robot." Then I reminded him of what I opened the statement about that I was going to say something innocuous, something that I did not really mind at all.

So H is adding a twist onto whatever I say to make it a critical statement in his mind and holding against me that I am a critical person towards him.... but I really, I'm not being critical it's in his head. Anybody have any ideas? I could use a little help here.

10-07-2011, 12:42 PM	#1 (permalink)
October2011 Registered User Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 9	Husband construes everything as critical??? Hello all. Thanks in advance for your support or advice. I have a strange issue here and no clue how to work on or with it. Been together roughly 10 years, 1 child still a baby. My H is very, very avoidant. If I bring any issue to him, no matter how small, or even not an issue at all just a statement or a question he does 1 or 2 things. 1, he will either adopt a "hang dog demeanor" mumble and wander away, avoiding the topic and refusing to address it at all. Or he will immediately become defensive and go on the attack, becoming accusatory or shoot for the gut with the meanest thing he could possibly say in the moment. These tactics have resulted in any issues I may have being eft hanging, never dealt with and me rarely approaching him about anything at all. I've struggled for a long time on what to do about this and I think I'm beginning to understand it more. I try to talk to him about what's causing him to do these things and his claim is that I am super critical of him. I swear I'm not. He also claims this about any close personal relationship he's ever had, relationships, close friendships, parenting relationships... he claims they all were this way. So I think we're beginning to get to it. I've started asking my husband to repeat back what I said. He is unable to repeat it back without adding onto it a negative twist that he's included on in his mind. I explained that I feel him adding this twist to what I say is damaging to both of us and muddies the statement turning it into something else. He says this is simply the nature of communication and maybe I should be clearer. I've even told him I want to show you what I'm talking about. I'm going to ask you to not do something, something that I don't actually mind and don't actually want you to not do, just as an example of how you are interpreting what I'm saying. I said "I want you to stop picking up the binkey off the floor and putting it into baby's mouth." (eh' the floors are pretty darn clean and I don't mind. I do it too.) He immediately came back with "Oh, so you want to force me not to do something but you get to do it. You're just controlling. You want me to behave exactly the way you want. You want to turn me into a robot." Then I reminded him of what I opened the statement about that I was going to say something innocuous, something that I did not really mind at all. So H is adding a twist onto whatever I say to make it a critical statement in his mind and holding against me that I am a critical person towards him.... but I really, I'm not being critical it's in his head. Anybody have any ideas? I could use a little help here.