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Oh no.... now what?

15K views 143 replies 25 participants last post by  FML2011 
#1 ·
Oh no... now what?

I was scanning our cell phone bills and it turns out there are alot (and I mean alot) of texts and calls from and to my husband and the same number.

So I called it and it was a woman. I texted asking who it was and the person texted back saying who am I? I said who I was and the texting stopped immediately.

F**&*-- after 23 years of marriage, really? Now what do I do? I honestly cannot believe he would do this... I really can't. But what else could it be, honestly?

I feel like throwing up.
 
#3 ·
Re: Oh no... now what?

btw- I noticed you have lots of threads concerning your husband's behavior- do know that his cheating now makes more sense in regards to all of that. Cheaters vilify their spouse in order to feel justified to cheat (and likely most of your problems were NOT your fault)
 
#5 ·
Re: Oh no... now what?

btw- I noticed you have lots of threads concerning your husband's behavior- do know that his cheating now makes more sense in regards to all of that. Cheaters vilify their spouse in order to feel justified to cheat (and likely most of your problems were NOT your fault)
I really don't want this to be true... I really don't... I cannot face this... our family, our daughters... OMG.... how can I be sure it is true?
 
#4 ·
was scanning our cell phone bills and it turns out there are alot (and I mean alot) of texts and calls from and to my husband and the same number.

So I called it and it was a woman. I texted asking who it was and the person texted back saying who am I? I said who I was and the texting stopped immediately.

F**&*-- after 23 years of marriage, really? Now what do I do? I honestly cannot believe he would do this... I really can't. But what else could it be, honestly?

I feel like throwing up.
 
#6 ·
step one-

start amassing evidence. If you confront now he will likely spin this to be just "friendship" and that you are being crazy (this is called gaslighting)


get a keylogger on the computer now
get his passwords to his email and facebook and start snooping
check the phone number at cidlookup.com and start gathering info on the OW
what kind of phone does he have as you can possibly retrieve texts?
also, buy a VAR and put it in his car so you can hear his secret calls that he makes (many Waywards make calls in the car)
GPS or phone spyware is recommended too
 
#12 ·
I won't buy 'friendship'-- no way no how. I couldn't get anything from CID lookup. He has a cheap phone on my plan. I have no idea other than to take it from him to retrieve texts. I don't want to play games, if he is cheating he can leave... plain and simple.
 
#8 ·
Throw up... cry... scream.. punch a wall.. whatever you need to do to release that emotion.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I think I speak for us when I say that we are here to support you. Take a minute to calm down and gather information... then confront your H and see what he has to say. I guarantee she has already texted or called him and so he (or they) are already preparing the story... ask to see the text messages... if he has deleted them, but denies an affair ["she's just a friend"], you know he's lying.

Give him a chance to tell you the truth. Then you decide what you want to do from there.
 
#9 ·
Sounds like an EA to me (similar to mine, except 30 years of marriage). I do hope I'm wrong.

You need to confront him right now and demand all of the facts. Be prepared to hear things you will not like. The texts likely had passionate statement exchanges. There might also be emails as well. Demand all logins and passwords for email FB, and anything else.

Read many of the posts here on boundaries and a no contact agreement. You came to the right place for help. But the final decision of action is always yours.
 
#11 ·
You sort of tipped your hand already by contacting this other woman. What she probably did is contact your husband right after letting him know you sent her a text. I would look at online phone records to see if she did contact him after your text, and if he behaves differently next time you see him. If he had incriminating texts on his phone he might just delete them. But I would try to get his phone and read what they had been texting anyway in case they hadn't been deleted. Does he hide his phone from you or lock it with a password?

Was your gut telling you something was wrong before you saw the calls on the phone records? Other red flags?

I would investigate more before confronting him, but he may already be aware since you contacted the other woman.
 
#13 ·
Re: Oh no... now what?

Well this is interesting. Sucks big time, but it does explain things a bit better doesn't it? He's not a jerk for NO REASON whatsoever, he's a jerk because you don't measure up to his 'ideal'. Good thing you found this out.

Have you contacted him yet over this?
 
#31 ·
Re: Oh no... now what?

Lisa, remember a few weeks back I mentioned to you that my grandpa acted the way your husband does? and that my grandma had to cope by just ignoring him, leaving him home when she wanted to do things, basically have a social life despite how he treated her? Well, I didn't mention that he also was found to be having an affair. Full blown. He treated my grandma and his family poorly because the affair took all his attention... and money. He would get paid on Friday and be broke by Monday.

My grandfather mistreated my grandmother up to his death. She still talks about how he was never satisfied with her, never was nice to her even when he got sick. She took care of him anyway because that was the type of woman she was, but she was also much older than you are.

If you find your husbands answers unsatisfactory, you have no reason to feel bad for wanting to end it. He's been a bully to you and your girls for years. It's time it stops... one way or another.
 
#36 ·
Re: Oh no... now what?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have my heartfelt wishes, thoughts, and prayers.

You are a strong woman, lisa3girls. You will make it through this - whatever the outcome may be. Tell yourself that everyday.

Go over to the Coping with Infidelity forum. They seem to have it down to a science (or is it an art?) about the steps you should take and things you may face. They can help support you during the journey.

God Bless.
 
#37 ·
It can get much worse if it went physical. If he really is playing you for the fool in many areas of your life, you might be making the right decision. Be sure of what you want. Couples can recover, but you have to slap him with the reality of divorce being on the table.

I lost my trust when I had my EA. It was a dumb decision on my part, and solely my fault. Now I have to spend the rest of my life to prove my commitment to never do it again. The complete trust will never be back, and I know it.
 
#45 ·
My hubby also admitted it when I confronted him. I was also FURIOUS with him. I kicked his ass out that very day. A year and a half later we are reconciling and doing really well.

Do not make any decisions right now. Your emotions are in charge and it isn't a good time. Give yourself at least a couple of months. Go see a counselor. Get yourself STD tested. Get him out of your face and do things for you (I cleaned my bedroom from top to bottom and rearranged everything - it was very cathartic)

Rant at him. Let him know what a scumbag he is. Write him nasty letters. Make him buy you stuff (I got a new computer and a plane ticket for a girls weekend).
 
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