I had almost everything on the list except for suicidal thoughts. I was also light on the fantasizing about violent events happening to my H. I think it was because of the kids, the thought alone of them not having their Dad is painful. But those first few days, wow . . couldn't even stop random violent thoughts from popping into my head. Even when you know the reality of it would be more painful, they'd flash in your head regardless. No violent acts committed by me, but by either the OWH or accidents. Scary stuff, glad those were early on and short lived.
Don't know why I never had violent thoughs about the OW. I think I relished the thought more of her aging and having the Karma bus strike her down someday. She's 15 plus years younger than me and insecure. I know I've aged pretty well and the spiteful me wants her to age poorly as punishment. A much better fantasy than a violent end.
The other thing I didn't have was lack of sleep. Actually, I had the opposite problem. I slept all the freakin' time. It's like my body was shutting down and couldn't function enough to stay awake. Guess it's better than lack of sleep, but I felt groggy constantly. Would've been extremely hard to function if I was working at the time. I'd be awake for an hour, then go right back to sleep for a few more. To this day, if I'm having a bad day or a trigger . . . I sleep. It's my body's way of healing I guess.
It's actually hard to read the list and know I lived most of it, but it also shows how strong I am. If you told me a year ago I could survive weeks or months of suffering the items on that list, I would've thought no way. I'm now only a few months from the 1-year d-day mark and only have the random triggers now. Everything else is back to normal physically.
For those going through it now, you can survive it. If we can ride the tsunami of emotions and physical reactions, than so can you.
