My wife and I have been married for nearly four years. We dated for about a year and a half before getting hitched.
Right off the bat I'll admit that I have always had problems with drinking and other substances (Mainly I think because I have used them to forget about my problems. I never used around her, and rarely drank around her, so she is not really aware of any of those problems).
Our relationship since marriage has been very much like that of roommates who occasionally have sex. She really seemed to lose nearly all interest in sex after the wedding. In my mind the main problem in our relationship has been that, also the fact that she would spend most of her time at work and I did not see her much.
For the first two years we were living in Japan (where I met her) and she would often work overnight coming home after I had already left for work. When she was home she wanted to sleep a huge amount, often sleeping in till after noon on the weekends. We typically go a month to two months without having sex, even though I try and initiate physical contact. Over time my drinking got worse, mainly because when she would not come home I would go to the bar with my coworkers/friends because I hated sitting at home alone. After we moved to America it stayed the same, perhaps a little worse.
I typically spend three nights a week at my single guy friends homes just hanging out because she is totally absent. We used to go out to the clubs or out to dinner while we were in Japan, but over time even those times together stopped happening. I would try to make plans, but inevitably something would come up at work and she would bail out. She has missed my birthday parties etc just because she had to work, even though I gave her several weeks notice. I have tried on many occasions to talk with her about the lack of time spent together and the nearly total lack of any sort of physical relationship.
She never really seemed to put any effort towards trying to work any of our issues out. She finally got so fed up with my complaints that she suggested that since I was horny (and she was not) that I look elsewhere for sexual fulfillment. I of course became angry over this (this happened about a month ago).
I finally came to the conclusion that if she no longer had any desire to work the issues out that I would ask for a divorce. I broke the news to her, and she barely reacted. She said she would think about it, and left. She went to a hotel to spend the night, but did not really make it clear where she was going. I don't know what I expected to happen, but I certainly thought that she would not act the way she did.
She came back last night and asked if I had gotten with anyone else (I have not, and I have never cheated on her the entire time we have been together). After I said no, she stated that she now realized that withholding sex from me was an issue and that she was now willing to try counseling. I had tried to get her to go with me to counseling in the past, but she had always talked me out of it.
I am at a loss now. I love her, and was rather miserable when she left, but I keep reminding myself how much her past behavior has made my life miserable. I keep thinking that if I take her back that all the same problems are going to be there, and that she will continue with her current behavior. She loves me I think, but has no idea how to have a healthy sexual relationship.
I want to try, but I don't know if I can muster up the energy to. I've given so much to try and make things work out, but I never got the sense that she was willing to change anything. She was perfectly fine with me jacking off to porn instead of having sex with her. I thought for a while that I could put up with this.. but its not working.
I really have no idea what to do at this point. Half of me wants the divorce, and the other half wants to go running back to her
