Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - Help with major trust issues...could use a friend right now

snix11 · 03-21-2009, 08:29 AM

I think if she doesn't get your shirt back, you need to do it. Take care of you in a healthy way that doesn't 'force' her to do anything. But will REALLY make her think. This going behind your back, lying, stealing etc it NOT the actions of a god fearing christian woman. She is using her religion to justify her passive aggressive behavior to you. You don't have to put up with it.

If you pay the grocery bills, have ramen for dinner till she gets back on the program. If she asks, explain gently and lovingly (important stuff that) that you WANT to have more, but that you feel she will keep paying bills you can't afford. Tell her you WANT to trust her, but until you two really talk (or go to counseling) that you don't feel you CAN afford more for dinner.

Express your DISAPPOINTMENT (make sure it's that word) in her for her continued lying to you. NO lectures. Just sadness at her actions. Give her 1 and only 1 chance to get your shirt back. Just ask her nicely:

Honey, do you think it would be reasonable for you to get my shirt back? It means so much to me.

If she says "yes" say thank you, please go get it now. And hand her the keys and tell her you will take care of everything till she gets back.

If she says 'yes' but won't go (her typical passive aggressive behavior of late) give her 10 minutes to leave an then say "I see you don't seem to want to go get it. Don't worry about it, I'll take care of it" then go get it yourself.

If She says 'no' then say "Don't worry about it, I'll take care of it" then go get it yourself.

When you get back with the shirt (if it's still there, or even if it's not) Buy a LOCK for the bedroom closet door (or wherever you kept your shirt) YOU have the only key.

Petty? You bet. But don't tell her why, don't yell, don't blame and don't lecture! Don't even give an explination unless she really asks. Just tell her that you love her very much and you need to take care of things so they don't 'accidentally' find their way to her trunk anymore. If she complains that her clothes are in there too, tell her 'you know, you are RIGHT! I'm so sorry about that. How do you think we should fix this problem?" If she answers with ANYTHING other than "i'm sorry, i never should have thrown your stuff out" or something else contrite and sincere, then Just take her clothes out of the closet and invite her NICELY to keep them in the hall closet or wherever.

Again, give the attitude of "whatever you do, I love you" Don't worry about the problems, I'll take care of them.

She will get it.

03-21-2009, 08:29 AM	#4 (permalink)
snix11 Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: San Antonio Posts: 1,234	Re: Help with major trust issues...could use a friend right now I think if she doesn't get your shirt back, you need to do it. Take care of you in a healthy way that doesn't 'force' her to do anything. But will REALLY make her think. This going behind your back, lying, stealing etc it NOT the actions of a god fearing christian woman. She is using her religion to justify her passive aggressive behavior to you. You don't have to put up with it. If you pay the grocery bills, have ramen for dinner till she gets back on the program. If she asks, explain gently and lovingly (important stuff that) that you WANT to have more, but that you feel she will keep paying bills you can't afford. Tell her you WANT to trust her, but until you two really talk (or go to counseling) that you don't feel you CAN afford more for dinner. Express your DISAPPOINTMENT (make sure it's that word) in her for her continued lying to you. NO lectures. Just sadness at her actions. Give her 1 and only 1 chance to get your shirt back. Just ask her nicely: Honey, do you think it would be reasonable for you to get my shirt back? It means so much to me. If she says "yes" say thank you, please go get it now. And hand her the keys and tell her you will take care of everything till she gets back. If she says 'yes' but won't go (her typical passive aggressive behavior of late) give her 10 minutes to leave an then say "I see you don't seem to want to go get it. Don't worry about it, I'll take care of it" then go get it yourself. If She says 'no' then say "Don't worry about it, I'll take care of it" then go get it yourself. When you get back with the shirt (if it's still there, or even if it's not) Buy a LOCK for the bedroom closet door (or wherever you kept your shirt) YOU have the only key. Petty? You bet. But don't tell her why, don't yell, don't blame and don't lecture! Don't even give an explination unless she really asks. Just tell her that you love her very much and you need to take care of things so they don't 'accidentally' find their way to her trunk anymore. If she complains that her clothes are in there too, tell her 'you know, you are RIGHT! I'm so sorry about that. How do you think we should fix this problem?" If she answers with ANYTHING other than "i'm sorry, i never should have thrown your stuff out" or something else contrite and sincere, then Just take her clothes out of the closet and invite her NICELY to keep them in the hall closet or wherever. Again, give the attitude of "whatever you do, I love you" Don't worry about the problems, I'll take care of them. She will get it.