| | Re: Wife and Male Coworker
Hey Confused, join the club. I wish I would have found this post sooner. I have been and am still going through an exact scenario with my wife. I busted her about 2 months ago. Different situation but same circumstances. We started taking ballroom dance lessons (which she has always desired) about 2 years ago and got to know the owners. Long story short, she got real close to her "instructor" - the male counterpart of the owners. I know something was different with her over about a 3 month period so I started investigating. I looked at her cell phone records and found she was talking to him on the phone constantly when I was not around. Coincidental huh?
Your story plays out almost exactly like mine. She was sort of apologetic at first. I had to get really insanely mad to get my point across. However, 2 months later, we still have issues about it because she is not really sorry and still desires to have a relationship of some sort with this guy. If I am not mistaken, she told me he was "like a brother". I suppose it is hard to quit someone cold turkey when those emotions exist.
I am not concerned about a physical affair since the guy is not attractive at all. I would be surprised if she did. In any case, I am sorry to tell you this but the feeling os mistrust and suspicion does not go away quickly. I still find myself suspicious of her to this day. The trust has been broken and it hurts bad. It's really a bad thing when that happens and I don't know how to get it back.
I feel for you big time. I am still going through these feelings. If she does not love me, then just TELL ME. Instead she plays games and patronizes me. My wife "tells" when she is going to call him so she can supposedly schedule lessons and so forth. What BS that I still have to deal with this but I do. If I cut off her dancing (which she loves) then I am still the bad guy. Know what I mean?
I wish I had answers for you. Let me know how the therapy goes because I am almost to that point. I need someone else to look at her and tell her that having an emotional relationship behind your husband's back is not appropriate it. However, I suspect that she would just be defensive or dismissive.
I am sure you are dumbfounded like I am that a woman would put her marriage and family (we have kids) in a compromising position like this. I thought men were the ones who did stuff like this.
I know some people will tell you that you are to blame somehow because of some need you did not fulfill and all that. While that may be initially one of the causes, that is not an excuse or any reason for any part of the whole EA to continue. I mean enough is enough, there has to be a point where she says OK I give up or OK I will do what you want. Instead, it sounds like both of our wives want to have their cake and eat it too.
We can certainly share some thoughts and plans here because I am in the same exact situation you are. In fact, I joined this website to "get back" at her in a way for all the emotional rollercoaster BS she has put me through. I had to find somewhere to vent because I was going crazy.
What's the next step for you because I can tell you it will not get better anytime soon? I am trying (and have tried) all the stuff you have thinking she would come to some realization of truth. It has not happened. Meanwhile, the source of the problem is still ever present since we still take lessons from them.
Sorry this is so long. I just thought I would let you know that here is another good honest family man out there who is being subjected to the same BS you are. If I was a bad uncaring husband who never gave his wife any attention then I could see why she would do something like this. But I am not and I don't deserve this. Nobody does.