Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - For high drive women married to low drive men...
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post #15 of (permalink) Old 11-05-2011, 07:19 AM
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 792
Re: For high drive women married to low drive men...

I think the book "He's Just Not That Into You" is relevent more for dating than your marriage.

A few things jump out at me. You equate his lack of sex drive with a lack of value for you. Not sure that goes together unless he is treating you poorly in general. Just because he doesn't want sex often does not automatically mean he doesn't value you.

I think a healthy marriage leads to a healthy sex life. I think when one or both partners suffer from insecurity, trust issues, depression, infidelity, or fear of intimacy, that gets in the way of a healthy sex life.

Your husband may feel like he can never please you with the amount of sex you want and so has given up. You may have made sex more of a chore and obligation than a pleasure through your complaints about the infrequency of sex. Your husband may also have issues going on (that I mentioned above) and he's using a lack of sex to keep distance in the relationship due to fear of intimacy.

I think game playing is a marriage killer. Shifting the dynamic in a relationship is not the same as game-playing, though. If you are overwhelming your husband with pressure and negativity about his lower sex drive, stopping that behavior can help the situation, possibly. If you are in general a critical person and have made your husband feel as though he can't do anything right, can't ever meet your needs, is just not good enough as a husband, that is a problem that needs to be fixed on your end. Again, learning more effective ways to relate to him (and him to relate to you) is not game-playing.

So those are my thoughts, for what they are worth. I think you are taking the lack of sex too personally (which is understandable) but most often it's not about your desireability but more what is going on in the marriage, with your husband, and how you are both relating to each other.
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