Dadof3

In my humble view of the world - I see the pros and cons of both what TRy and Tacoma are saying.

I have the type of personality that tries to take the approach that takes both pros and cons into account.

While it would be nice to "hit her with a ton of bricks" evidence and yet also prevent the amount of time it takes to let this EA evolve deeper, I favor the hybrid approach.

You have a direct conv with your wife and list all the things you do know, with how you view these in respect to your marital boundaries and let her know what the consequences of those are.

Sure, she will (maybe) gaslight, blameshift, and push the EA deeper underground - but if there is truly any hope for the marriage that she may still harbor - this might also give her a beacon of light to come out of the fog.

She needs to see strong and dependable right now - this isn't an invitation to rug sweep. This is an invitation to reverse the train wreck. You let her know how much you value her and the marriage, but at the same time, let her know that you respect yourself and her too much to allow this to continue and that you are available for her to reveal her thoughts, plans, etc without yelling or criticism and try to develop an action plan to reverse the EA course.

Explain to her some of the dynamics you've learned about men and women and marriage. There's a lot of stuff we've been taught and incorrectly lead to believe regarding the roles of the sexes in marriage. What you tell her, while initially being resisted, will strike a chord somewhere and she'll begin to develop the confidence in you as a man who will protect her and provide her with her needs.

This is important. And then leave the door open to her to come back to open up as she gets her head around things. She might ask for space, for separation. Explain to her that it doesn't work like she imagined it would.

the only separation you will tolerate in the marriage is the complete dissolution of the marriage. If she needs to leave for a few days, she does it on her dime.

I have found not only as an employee and a manager that people crave and need feedback in relationships but realized that this is necessary as a husband and a father. This type of feedback builds on emotional intimacy (which often feeds their escape / affair fantasies) and builds confidence in the security of the marriage.

Strength, clarity, love, dependability, protection. I think these are the traits that our women want and need.