Originally Posted by losinghope27
I guess everyone else that read my post must think I deserve to be left alone pregnant. Well I don't blame them and I don't blame him it is my fault.
Hope, it's not your fault that you have difficulty trusting others. It's not your fault you have difficulty controlling your emotions. It's not your fault that you haven't learned to do more self soothing so you can intellectually challenge your intense feelings (instead of accepting them as truths). And it is not your fault that you have a strong fear of abandonment. If you suffer from all of those issues -- as I suspect -- they were imposed on you in early childhood and were not something you asked for.
That said, you are now an adult with a child and therefore have the responsibility to learn to manage and control all those issues. There are excellent treatment programs all over the USA targeted to exactly those issues.
Significantly, you stand a very good chance of doing very well in such programs because you have an amazing level of self awareness -- a level that I rarely see in folks suffering from your issues. I say this because the vast majority of them would come here complaining about their gawd awful Hs. In contrast, you came here acknowledging that you have serious issues and declaring a willingness to go out and do something to heal yourself.
I nonetheless caution that you are not home free yet because self awareness alone is not sufficient. I've seen many self aware people on the forums acknowledging that they have issues but doing only endless whining -- never being willing to tolerate the pain of actually staying in therapy programs long enough to make a difference. That occurs because these issues are normally accompanied by tremendous self loathing and shame carried from childhood. Hence, the last thing the person wants to do is to confront the issues -- as you have already done -- and work on them (which you have yet to do). That is, the last thing they want is to add one more thing to the long list of things they hate about themselves.
Given that you have the courage to add to that list, what remains to be seen is whether you have the ego strength to do something about it. This means contacting a trusted doctor (or psych dept. at a local hospital or university) to obtain a recommendation for a very good psychologist. As with the members of all professions, psychologists vary greatly in skill sets and you don't want to risk luck-of-the-draw. This also means working hard in therapy and staying with it -- for your sake and for that of your child -- regardless of what your H does or does not do. My heart goes out to you because doing the right thing will be a difficult task. And doing the wrong thing will be more difficult still.