madmam

Wow, this sounds like me too - I could've written that. I too have given up asking for sex as it is always on his terms too. If you don't mind, I will copy and paste what I wrote last night, when I was feeling so low about it:
Hi,

I'm back - again.
We seem to be back right where we started.
I feel utterly rejected and under-appreciated.
Yes, I ahve told my DH how I feel, and yes, he takes me to bed and does wonderful things to me by way of apology, and yes, I think maybe this is a new start for us. Then we go back to the same thing again.
Its been more than a week since we last had sex, and even then it was a bit of a disaster - actually this is the first time this has happened - I couldn't climax. Now, I am on anti depressants for PND adn I am hoping that this is the problem, but I am not so sure.
If you read the beginning of this thread, that should get the general idea of our situation. But I think things are getting worse. Apart from what I just wrote, I was rejected again this morning. Without getting too graphic, we had a couple of minutes before the baby had to get up, so I initated a bit of er....touching so to speak. I got the desired effect, and even though I knew we couldn't do anything as we didn't have time, I thought we could have a little snog or something, maybe as a little aperatif for later? Anyway, DH just turned over. Said he was going to lie in for a while. So, feeling rejected (again), I got up, cos, hell, SOMEONE had to get the baby up. So I was quiet when he came down. Then he said sorry for what he did, adn that he was feeling grumpy, adn that we could 'carry this on' tonight. I thought, great! Er, no.
Later on this evening, I wasn't holding out much hope as DH had gone to the gym so I knew he is usually too tired for sex (I know!). He grabs me (and its funny, I now flinch, as I am not used to being affectionately grabbed anymore), and says something like 'maybe we will have sex?'. You see, he is always in control of our sex life. I want it more than him, so he gets to call the shots all the time. I say something like 'maybe....'. I don't like to get my hopes up anymore, as they are usually dashed, and I knew he was going to the gym, so I thought it wouldn't happen anyway. Then he says 'well, you have to make use of this window of opportunity'. I mean, wtf?? So I let him know that I wasn't taking any of that! I decided then and there that no matter how hard he tried, I would NOT succumb this time, and that for a change, I would be incontrol. No, I HATE playing games and using sex as a weapon, but I have tried everything else! Anyway, he goes to the gym, then we have our hands tied with the baby for a while. He asks what is wrong. I tell him I feel like **** because my period is coming (true). So then I tell him 'looks like you missed the window of opportunity'. I know, childish, but I actually think he got the message.
Anyway, then I go into where our pc is and I find in the history (yes, it automatically comes up when you search for something) that he was looking at some mild porn! So I don't know where to go from here. Every f**k I get feels like a sympathy f**k, and even then it takes sometimes days to get him to do anything. And given the last time we had sex, I feel like I will never even enjoy it any time we have it, as I feel I have had to work sooo hard for it and I've had to cajole him into it, and that he is totally in control of it...and I'm so sick of this. Whatever happened to spontaneity? For once, I would like to be in control, to be the one to decide when we have sex, to be lusted after. Its so hard being on antidepressants for PND without having to deal with this as well. I know he loves me, but how can I take his reasurrances of 'of course I fancy you' seriously when I have to do all of the above just to feel sexy and wanted again?