Originally Posted by j3nn1fer
My husband and I have been having a difficult time recently.I have been extremely depressed and not wanting to be intimate at all or be touched by him what so ever. It has been over a month since our last encounter and I want to make him happy, but the thought of any kind of intimacy, just makes me want to gag. He tells me that I was totally different when we first got married which was only four years ago, but I have three children....the oldest is five now. My sex drive is non-exsistant now and I don't feel like its the most important thing in a relationship. He told me that is how men are,they relate love to sex and women relate companionship with love and no sex. I know that my husband will never divorce or the other way around because he doesn't believe in divorce, he believes in working issues out. But I am not attracted to him sexually at all or anyone else. I feel like it is just a hassle to be lovey dovey and I feel like he is extremely needy. He gets mad if I don't kiss him and say hi right when he walks through the door. I know the issues lie with me, but I really don't know what to do about. Do I just force myself to be more affectionate and be miserable or just stick my ground and be affectionate when I feel like it?
Through your posts, its obvious that you love your husband and care for his needs, and I can only imagine how much courage it took to raise this issue on a place like this. Based on what you said about your husband, he also knows that this situation is making you miserable. I'm sorry for the pain this is putting the two of you through.
My wife struggles with depression, and I can only reinforce that the symptoms are not as simple as people often think. It literally saps the positive energy from your life. Don't quit trying to find the treatment that works for you.
Some of the changes that I can recommend affect both you and your husband, and I'll comment on them because you said that he reads some of these.
Through my wife's depression, we learned that its important to break the monotony on a regular basis. You need 'j3nn1fer' days, days and events that you look forward to, that promise hope in a real and tangible way. Something you love doing, even if it is with your husband. For my wife, it was weekends on our corporate floor of a local luxury hotel. One floor was devoted to my company, and we get a budget price for a 5 star retreat. Maybe its the park and outdoors for you. It has to be places that make you laugh and happy, and with a regularity that you can look forward to. Make it happen.
The other is aimed at your husband. From learning about other men on this site, I realize that all of us struggle with settling into routines, Fortunately, I made a mental connection early in my wife's history with depression. I found that if I challenged myself to be an alpha male when it came to loving her, it really helped to lift her from the depressive spell, at least long enough for an amazing connection for both of us. Expecting a greeting when coming home is fine, but what happens if he guides you into a corner when he gets home, kissing you like he hasn't seen you for months? And its obvious that his goal is you, and not sex? Through never settling for normal, boring, he can help you through these depressive turns. You obviously feel numb emotionally, but passion will break through this numbness. If he would challenge himself to make sex his second priority on his list of 'wants', and moving passion with intensity to number one, it might show him exactly what has been missing in many relationships like this.
I'm not suggesting that his needs should be inferior to yours. Men really need sex to connect. But your depression is his depression too. It affects him. A strong couple can adjust our personal needs long enough to learn how to get through the hard times. Its obvious that you love him very much, and would very likely do the same for him.
I really wish you the best in this.