Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

JJB · 02-24-2008, 04:11 PM

I've been married to my husband for 5+ yrs now. I have 3 children from a previous relationship. I work fulltime and he is disabled and receives disability.

I don't believe that any partner in a relationship should act as a parent or control their partner but in this one it seems as if I have been reduced to that in order to prevent a lot of things from happening.

For example, we used to have a joint checking account which was constantly overdrawn because he would *forget* about our budget. He would go out and spend, spend, spend and then end up borrowing money just to have money on hand. Money was beginning to disappear faster than we would get it and we'd have debts to pay but no money to pay it. I found out after about a year of this that he had quite a few payday loans out and those funds to keep them rolling over were being taken out of our account every month on top of what he pulled out to pay back the ones in town. I was tired of it. He had told me he would *take care of it* and not to worry. Money was still leaving our account though and nothing had been done even though he swore he would take care of it, he hadn't done a thing. So I closed our account and we opened separate accounts. I asked him to call the payday loan places and make arrangements to pay back those loans on a monthly basis. He said he had done so and after a few months all of them were sent to collections. He would hide the letters from me until I kept the mail key and checked the mail myself. He still hasn't paid them back for whatever reason.

Eventually I tore up his ATM card and checks. He had some checks stashed somewhere and he would often forget that he had written a check here or there and his account would be overdrawn. He bought the duplicate checks but often shredded those and I would put the money back into his account to prevent closure. I stopped doing this as well and since he is now out of checks his account is in the clear. If he wants/needs some money I withdraw it and give it to him.

I can't take him shopping with me either. He will just grab things and toss em in the cart. He loves to spend money on junk food and will do so without a care in the world. Eventhough we have a specific budget he somehow thinks I am made of money and will insist on having this or that or we fight about it, I feel guilty and give in.

Since he is home all day I expect him to clean something or do something around the house. He refuses. Instead he says he has to get some sleep and will often make up stories about how he has only gotten 2 hrs of sleep in 3 days which we both know is a lie. He insists on sleeping at least 18 hrs a day and it's one of the issues I have about him.

He doesn't clean, do laundry, nothing. If I ask him to do anything he will come up with all sorts of reasons as to why he couldn't do it. When the reality of it is that he just wanted to *get some sleep*. I can't even begin to describe the mess he leaves around his side of the bed. Dirty clothes, ice cream/candy wrappers, etc. which I often have to clean. Yuk!

He had gone off his meds as well some time ago and this caused a huge battle betwen me, my kids and him. He was acting like a complete jerk and I didn't know what was wrong with him. He was insulting every one every chance he got. He was raising hell literally and we were fighting like crazy. It got so bad that I was actually ready to leave with whatever I had on me at the time and no money. He got back on his meds and things have cleared up in that aspect. But my two oldest children absolutely loathe him now. They do not trust him and I don't either.

I knew at some point that my husband was telling his family every single thing that was going on with us because I would hear his parents talking about us on the phone or to eachother and I would ask my husband how in the world could they have known certain information if he hadn't told them? He would often blame the kids and say that they were the ones who told them. I was so confused. I guess my son grew tired of the blame game and he recorded a conversation my husband was having with his parents which I listened to. Basically, my husband was telling his parents that I was pushing him into getting a job even though he is disabled and that I am the one wanting to borrow money for this or that and this went on for quite some time. I realized at that time what had been going on behind my back and I didn't confront him about it. Instead I waited. About a week later his mother made a comment about me not understanding the depth of his disability. I asked him what she meant by that and he stood there, eyes widened and said I DONT KNOW! She's crazy! I knew what she was talking about.

My husband did work for the first two years we were together and he often says he wants to find a good paying job but then in front of his mother he will tell her that I am pushing for him to get a job and that he can't. His mom will sympathize with him and tell him he can't do it and that we all just need to relax and really look at him for what he is...disabled and unable to do much of anything but spend money and sleep. Whatever!

I've had a rule that since I am a smoker there is no smoking in the home or car. Husband refuses to obey that rule. He will smoke in the house, burn holes in the sheets, smoke in the car, etc. I nagged him so much about it that he now only smokes
in the house when I am at work and alone in the car. Of course he deniese it. GRRRRRRR...

My oldest son bought himself some things like iced tea, pudding, etc. and stored them in the fridge. There's plenty of room in there but my husband made a big deal about it. He will sometimes go into the kids room and comfiscate items he feels should not be stored in there. We got into another huge fight and he became upset because I was defending the kids and not him. We've tried to have family nights where we can all sit and talk about things bothering us whether good or bad but it seems to blow up because husband loves to talk and no one else can get a word in, if we try he interrupts then says that we're all ganging up on him. So we don't have those nights with him anymore. It's usually me and the kids only where we know our confidence won't be betrayed.

My kids and I have also decided not to tell him anything or cause fights. It's just not worth it because he runs out to his parents almost immediately and tells them every single thing that happened but instead of telling the truth, he lies about it then they become upset at us. Another example of this is last weekend I decided to go through a spare room and clean it out. This room is my husbands dumping ground. When and if he ever cleans what he does is he gets plastic bags, tosses everything into it and tosses the bags into the spare room. It took me hours to clean all of that mess out and get it sorted. It was a pain to get him to help. In the middle of it all, I decided to try and get away, so my daughter and I hopped into the car and began to leave...part way away from home we turned around and came back. Husband didn't hear us come back and I stood out by my car and could hear him having a huge fit about how I was cleaning out the spare room, got him out of bed to help and then took off. He looked kinda surprised that I was standing there listening. He immediately shut his mouth. DUH HUH?

Eventhough we have money right now my husband is still wanting to borrow money from his parents. His dad asked me the other day if we still had any money left until I got paid again (Im only paid once a month) and I told him we did. I was puzzled and kind've offended by this and felt it was none of his business. I asked my husband about it and he went immediately into his parents part of the house and talked it over with them. My mother in law just approached me about that. She said that he's worried about us because Clark is always borrowing money from them and they just want to be able to plan ahead in case we do need the money. I told her not to worry we do have money. So I'm wanting to question this statement a bit further but I also don't want to cause any trouble. No one ever comes to me to ask what's going on yet when I've tried, I've found truths behind the lies and even though I tell my in laws not to lend money to my husband, they do it anyway and then yell at husband about how they are always having to help us out. Then my husband plays dumb and pretends not to know or understand what's going on.

Yes my husband is extremely spoiled. He has lived with his parents for a majority of his life. They've paid his bills for him and all of his debts up until we got married and the only reason I found this out was because his mom opened up about it one night. That's when the reality hit me as to why he spends like crazy, promises to pay it back but never does. The other night he asked me to give him $200. Of course I questioned it because he had everything he needed/wanted. He had a huge fit and said that if I didn't give to him so that he could open up a new bank account he would borrow it from his parents or one of his friends. GREEAATT..more debt, just what we need. I gave it to him and it was gone within a couple of days. I was upset about it. When confronted, he said there was no point in opening a new account because it was after the 15th and his disability can't be changed after that date. So why bug me about needing money?!

Because of my in laws health issues, I don't confront them about much of anything. My father in law had a stroke the other day and I'm afraid that if I open a can of worms that he may have another so I've not bothered with the in depth conversation to try and figure out what's going on. I've simply decided to keep to myself. I have no privacy to talk to my family on the phone, they all live on the east coast and opening up to my husband is out of the question--he'll run his mouth as soon as I step foot off the property to his parents and I don't want to be the cause of someone's stroke or worse....

I've been thinking about leaving him seriously but my income is not enough to keep me and the kids in a place. The rent is way too high and more than I make in a month but I'm keeping an eye out on anything that I can afford. Thanks for reading. I just needed to vent a little.

02-24-2008, 04:11 PM	#1 (permalink)
JJB Registered User Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 3	When is enough really enough? I've been married to my husband for 5+ yrs now. I have 3 children from a previous relationship. I work fulltime and he is disabled and receives disability. I don't believe that any partner in a relationship should act as a parent or control their partner but in this one it seems as if I have been reduced to that in order to prevent a lot of things from happening. For example, we used to have a joint checking account which was constantly overdrawn because he would forget about our budget. He would go out and spend, spend, spend and then end up borrowing money just to have money on hand. Money was beginning to disappear faster than we would get it and we'd have debts to pay but no money to pay it. I found out after about a year of this that he had quite a few payday loans out and those funds to keep them rolling over were being taken out of our account every month on top of what he pulled out to pay back the ones in town. I was tired of it. He had told me he would take care of it and not to worry. Money was still leaving our account though and nothing had been done even though he swore he would take care of it, he hadn't done a thing. So I closed our account and we opened separate accounts. I asked him to call the payday loan places and make arrangements to pay back those loans on a monthly basis. He said he had done so and after a few months all of them were sent to collections. He would hide the letters from me until I kept the mail key and checked the mail myself. He still hasn't paid them back for whatever reason. Eventually I tore up his ATM card and checks. He had some checks stashed somewhere and he would often forget that he had written a check here or there and his account would be overdrawn. He bought the duplicate checks but often shredded those and I would put the money back into his account to prevent closure. I stopped doing this as well and since he is now out of checks his account is in the clear. If he wants/needs some money I withdraw it and give it to him. I can't take him shopping with me either. He will just grab things and toss em in the cart. He loves to spend money on junk food and will do so without a care in the world. Eventhough we have a specific budget he somehow thinks I am made of money and will insist on having this or that or we fight about it, I feel guilty and give in. Since he is home all day I expect him to clean something or do something around the house. He refuses. Instead he says he has to get some sleep and will often make up stories about how he has only gotten 2 hrs of sleep in 3 days which we both know is a lie. He insists on sleeping at least 18 hrs a day and it's one of the issues I have about him. He doesn't clean, do laundry, nothing. If I ask him to do anything he will come up with all sorts of reasons as to why he couldn't do it. When the reality of it is that he just wanted to get some sleep. I can't even begin to describe the mess he leaves around his side of the bed. Dirty clothes, ice cream/candy wrappers, etc. which I often have to clean. Yuk! He had gone off his meds as well some time ago and this caused a huge battle betwen me, my kids and him. He was acting like a complete jerk and I didn't know what was wrong with him. He was insulting every one every chance he got. He was raising hell literally and we were fighting like crazy. It got so bad that I was actually ready to leave with whatever I had on me at the time and no money. He got back on his meds and things have cleared up in that aspect. But my two oldest children absolutely loathe him now. They do not trust him and I don't either. I knew at some point that my husband was telling his family every single thing that was going on with us because I would hear his parents talking about us on the phone or to eachother and I would ask my husband how in the world could they have known certain information if he hadn't told them? He would often blame the kids and say that they were the ones who told them. I was so confused. I guess my son grew tired of the blame game and he recorded a conversation my husband was having with his parents which I listened to. Basically, my husband was telling his parents that I was pushing him into getting a job even though he is disabled and that I am the one wanting to borrow money for this or that and this went on for quite some time. I realized at that time what had been going on behind my back and I didn't confront him about it. Instead I waited. About a week later his mother made a comment about me not understanding the depth of his disability. I asked him what she meant by that and he stood there, eyes widened and said I DONT KNOW! She's crazy! I knew what she was talking about. My husband did work for the first two years we were together and he often says he wants to find a good paying job but then in front of his mother he will tell her that I am pushing for him to get a job and that he can't. His mom will sympathize with him and tell him he can't do it and that we all just need to relax and really look at him for what he is...disabled and unable to do much of anything but spend money and sleep. Whatever! I've had a rule that since I am a smoker there is no smoking in the home or car. Husband refuses to obey that rule. He will smoke in the house, burn holes in the sheets, smoke in the car, etc. I nagged him so much about it that he now only smokes in the house when I am at work and alone in the car. Of course he deniese it. GRRRRRRR... My oldest son bought himself some things like iced tea, pudding, etc. and stored them in the fridge. There's plenty of room in there but my husband made a big deal about it. He will sometimes go into the kids room and comfiscate items he feels should not be stored in there. We got into another huge fight and he became upset because I was defending the kids and not him. We've tried to have family nights where we can all sit and talk about things bothering us whether good or bad but it seems to blow up because husband loves to talk and no one else can get a word in, if we try he interrupts then says that we're all ganging up on him. So we don't have those nights with him anymore. It's usually me and the kids only where we know our confidence won't be betrayed. My kids and I have also decided not to tell him anything or cause fights. It's just not worth it because he runs out to his parents almost immediately and tells them every single thing that happened but instead of telling the truth, he lies about it then they become upset at us. Another example of this is last weekend I decided to go through a spare room and clean it out. This room is my husbands dumping ground. When and if he ever cleans what he does is he gets plastic bags, tosses everything into it and tosses the bags into the spare room. It took me hours to clean all of that mess out and get it sorted. It was a pain to get him to help. In the middle of it all, I decided to try and get away, so my daughter and I hopped into the car and began to leave...part way away from home we turned around and came back. Husband didn't hear us come back and I stood out by my car and could hear him having a huge fit about how I was cleaning out the spare room, got him out of bed to help and then took off. He looked kinda surprised that I was standing there listening. He immediately shut his mouth. DUH HUH? Eventhough we have money right now my husband is still wanting to borrow money from his parents. His dad asked me the other day if we still had any money left until I got paid again (Im only paid once a month) and I told him we did. I was puzzled and kind've offended by this and felt it was none of his business. I asked my husband about it and he went immediately into his parents part of the house and talked it over with them. My mother in law just approached me about that. She said that he's worried about us because Clark is always borrowing money from them and they just want to be able to plan ahead in case we do need the money. I told her not to worry we do have money. So I'm wanting to question this statement a bit further but I also don't want to cause any trouble. No one ever comes to me to ask what's going on yet when I've tried, I've found truths behind the lies and even though I tell my in laws not to lend money to my husband, they do it anyway and then yell at husband about how they are always having to help us out. Then my husband plays dumb and pretends not to know or understand what's going on. Yes my husband is extremely spoiled. He has lived with his parents for a majority of his life. They've paid his bills for him and all of his debts up until we got married and the only reason I found this out was because his mom opened up about it one night. That's when the reality hit me as to why he spends like crazy, promises to pay it back but never does. The other night he asked me to give him $200. Of course I questioned it because he had everything he needed/wanted. He had a huge fit and said that if I didn't give to him so that he could open up a new bank account he would borrow it from his parents or one of his friends. GREEAATT..more debt, just what we need. I gave it to him and it was gone within a couple of days. I was upset about it. When confronted, he said there was no point in opening a new account because it was after the 15th and his disability can't be changed after that date. So why bug me about needing money?! Because of my in laws health issues, I don't confront them about much of anything. My father in law had a stroke the other day and I'm afraid that if I open a can of worms that he may have another so I've not bothered with the in depth conversation to try and figure out what's going on. I've simply decided to keep to myself. I have no privacy to talk to my family on the phone, they all live on the east coast and opening up to my husband is out of the question--he'll run his mouth as soon as I step foot off the property to his parents and I don't want to be the cause of someone's stroke or worse.... I've been thinking about leaving him seriously but my income is not enough to keep me and the kids in a place. The rent is way too high and more than I make in a month but I'm keeping an eye out on anything that I can afford. Thanks for reading. I just needed to vent a little.