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Any Other "Married Man Sex Life" Readers?

7K views 55 replies 22 participants last post by  romantic_guy 
#1 ·
I know that there are several guys out there that have either read the "Married Man Sex Life Primer" or the blog. I thought I would start a post to share your successes, failures, thoughts, insights or how you are working through the concepts.

For me, I am totally Beta and need to lean to add Alpha. (I am also reading "No More Mr Nice Guy")

Here are some things I do not need to worry about:

1. Working out. I have been running for 2 years and keep at a healthy weight.

Here are some things I am starting immediately:

1. Taking total control of our sex. Most of the time she will not initiate...get over it. Fortunately she responds most of the time and even though she was not really into it at the beginning, she ends up really into it and has a huge orgasm.

2. If she is too tired to get into it, the accept her willing pu$$y and go for it.

3. Take the lead in all areas of our relationship. Instead of, "Where do you want to eat," it will be, "Lets go here" and let her suggest something else if she wants to.

That is a start...I am really new at this...like one week.

How are you other guys doing?
 
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#2 ·
I am not a guy, but I do go out and occasionally read through the blog. Maybe aside from some of the more juvenile language (sorry Athol) that probably speaks more to men (which is his target audience anyway), I don't have too much of a problem with most of the concepts. I do find a few things far out there, but I don't usually agree with anything 100%. I take what speaks to me, and leave the rest. My H could care less about looking at the blog or book, and mostly I don't think he needs to, but I have fun comparing what Athol says versus what happens in our marriage and how my H acts. :)

As long as a husband is being considerate of his wife and being neither overly obsequious nor overly domineering, it it all good.

However, you do need to make sure that in the 'leading' you don't become domineering or insensitive. If your wife is well and truly not up for sex, you may have better success waiting for a more opportune time and not make too much of a habit to just take - duty sex all the time is pretty pitiful and morale-debilitating in my opinion - on both people's parts.

Your wife sounds like a lucky lady. :)

Best wishes.
 
#4 ·
As long as a husband is being considerate of his wife and being neither overly obsequious nor overly domineering, it it all good.

However, you do need to make sure that in the 'leading' you don't become domineering or insensitive. If your wife is well and truly not up for sex, you may have better success waiting for a more opportune time and not make too much of a habit to just take - duty sex all the time is pretty pitiful and morale-debilitating in my opinion - on both people's parts.

Your wife sounds like a lucky lady. :)

Best wishes.
Thanks for the "best wishes!" Believe me, being insensitive or domineering is not my nature. In fact, just the opposite. Some "Alpha" added in will only help. There is also no "duty sex" here, just a willingness to meet the others need.

When I read the post on the MMSL site about the wife not needing an orgasm, but saying, "Go ahead...have some fun!" My wife said, "That is what I have trying to tell you!"

Just to give an example though, yesterday morning, I did not ask her, I just snuggled up, started kissing her passionately, and exhibited the attitude like, "I have to have you NOW." At one point I said, "I want you on top of me," which she gladly did. I must say, judging from her loud moaning, I rocked her world!
 
#6 ·
:iagree:

Some good some bad. The premise is good.... I do a combination of books and even though sex has not happened yet. Fingers crossed 4 tonight...I've certainly built a good foundation for great sex in our future.

My wife is great right now in all other areas... sex is just a matter of time.

MMSL + Calle Zorro + His needs Her needs + PM Help
 
#7 ·
I am the wife, the only reader in our marraige.

I Bought the book cause I buy a ton of books, read half of it off & on. One of the more interesting points in this book, for me... is ....... BETA men make better lovers because they are naturally more into pleasing their women, I already knew this of coarse, but so nice to see it admitted in print in a book as highly praised as this one is.

Even Athol admits he is naturally more on the Beta side, but of coarse all men need a nice dose of both the Alpha and Beta traits to be the best men they can be.
 
#12 ·
Disagree w Beane - at least on the flirting thing, per se. When reading ANY of these types of discussions/books it is naive to take things too literally. The flirting thing is goes back to the pre-approval concept. "Optimizing" situations which demonstrate that you are of "value" to others is very potent (hot!) in drawing/redrawing the desired ones interest. Of course, as is the case with any power tool, it can be misused and dangerous.
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#13 ·
Disagree w Beane - at least on the flirting thing, per se. When reading ANY of these types of discussions/books it is naive to take things too literally. The flirting thing is goes back to the pre-approval concept. "Optimizing" situations which demonstrate that you are of "value" to others is very potent (hot!) in drawing/redrawing the desired ones interest. Of course, as is the case with any power tool, it can be misused and dangerous.
I do agree with these things, my husband has never been a flirter, he is too quiet accually (unlike myself of coarse) and I have felt my temperature rising for him when I witnessed him
engaged talking to younger hotter women, he wasn't even flirting, but still "I kinda liked it", made me WANT HIM MORE SO-- I really think had he been more of a conversationalist over the years with other women, I might have even been MORE attracted to him -when I otherwise took him for granted....it certainly would have caught my attentions.

.....there is some added attraction feature to this- at least it works for this woman! I was not overtaken by jealousy either. He was not doing anything wrong. He was not overstepping any of our boundaries.

Even in a Marriage book written by a Jewish Rabbi Amazon.com: Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin with Your Spouse (9781580627924): Shmuley Boteach

....it recommends a # of things couples can do to "jump start" attraction if it has been lost.........one thing is........go to a Bar, but enter separately like you are not together...... each sit away from each other and just WATCH as the other engages in conversation with the opposite sex ...just seeing how someone else may be interested in our mate -somehow influences our LUST for them. If there is no pangs of jealousy rising within you for witnessing this, well this isn't a good sign, if so, you have something to work with.

Something to that effect. Of coarse all things in moderation, and not to intentionally hurt our spouses.
 
#14 ·
OK, maybe it works for some people but I have only ever seen people get slapped around the face or left stood at the bar or abandoned in a restaurant for flirting. It seems roughly the sexual equivalent of poking yourself in the eye with a sharp stick to improve your vision. :scratchhead:
 
#21 ·
I'm not sure why some people find it hot when their partners flirt with others. I guess its the "different strokes for different folks" thing. I had to get rid of two ex's for this reason - personally I find it unacceptable. I don't reward my husband for NOT flirting - it's just common decency. Just like I don't reward my husband for NOT taking a dump in the middle of a fully packed shopping mall filled with school children at christmas.
 
#22 ·
Ok, I am going to get back to the original idea of the post (as interesting as this has been) which was not so much debating the book, but telling what principles from the book have worked.

It has been years since I tried this, but last night after we finished putting the lights in the tree, I pulled her into me and started to passionately kiss her(15 seconds or more), and she really responded. Then I reached up behind her back, undid her bra and tore her clothes off like I just had to have her NOW (which was true). I picked her up, put her on the couch, and proceeded to, shall we say, very passionately f*ck her. WOW...did she ever respond. That was really HOT!!! She really liked it!! (Thanks Athol!!)

Anybody else have some success with the principles in the book?
 
#24 ·
Being more assertive and telling her what I want sexually have been very successful. Taking the lead more often with the presumption that sex would be occuring has been well received. Part of that was my better understanding her signals - she was in many ways asking me for sex, but I was not understanding the message.

Also, fixing stuff around the house (though I figured this out before reading anything from Athol). Between kids and me working lots of hours, weekends tended to be lazy. Getting to a couple of projects every weekend (plus including my kids in completing them) has been a big turn on for her.
 
#28 ·
I did another long post & deleted it, I don't think many would understand me, I feel I might be giving off a bad impression. I am a little outside the box in more than a few ways.

We are not flirters in our marriage, I hope I have not given such an impression. We are likely more lienent than the average couple in regards to the oppoiste sex with talking & openness though (not flirting) - but this is becaues of our 100% Transparency in all things --and we do everything together anyway -where he is , I am .... where I am, he is ....we have always been 100% monogomous & faithful to one another.

I want to do a thread on the "Gift of Transparency" one of these days -soon. I feel this is one of the most important things any of us can give to our husbands & wives. Flirting would be a non issue in such a case. In itself, it keeps us on the straight & narrow.

I have thanked my husband for things that I probably didn't need too, sometimes I thank him just for having sex ! I know I don't need to do that, but who cares, I am thankful - so it flows out the mouth! I guess some things I don't analyze , I just speak.

If I felt he was temped to do something to hurt me and he didn't do it , I would likely acknowledge and praise that. It wouldn't matter to me whether it was right or wrong, in our house, we discuss literally every darn thing on our minds, so that would get discussed too . We are quite radical about HOW MUCH we share with each other. ;)
 
#29 ·
another.

I want to do a thread on the "Gift of Transparency" one of these days -soon. I feel this is one of the most important things any of us can give to our husbands & wives. Flirting would be a none issue in such a case. In itself, it keeps us on the straight & narrow.
So do it - no time like the present!:smthumbup:
 
#31 ·
I really think that the whole point of "flirting" was to wake up the other partner; to shock them into the reality of, yes I might lose him or her. There is great danger in marriage when we say she/he will never leave me. I need to be a great combination of alpha and beat to my wife. I need to help around the house, take her a cup of tea in the morning, constantly tell her how much I love her, do the laundry, etc. while taking the lead in our relationship and making the sex so hot that she would not even THINK of looking elsewhere.
 
#32 ·
Being able to recognize and deal with Sh!t Tests was one of my biggest takeaways.

I also love the phrase 'rationalization hamster'.

With regard to 'taking' your spouse, I think the staging, and where you currently are in the dynamic is important. When it works, it's magic ... it indicates all of the right things in terms of being pair-bonded and secure.

If it utterly flames out ... then there is other, more important groundwork to do.

Really glad it worked out for you. Success begets success.
 
#35 · (Edited)
Flirting is destabilizing. Destabilizing is sometimes very much necessary. It's like a reset button.

Those who rail against 'destabilization' either have been deeply wounded by a disconnected partner at some point, are are control freaks.

Destabilization can be source of friction. Friction can reignite passion. Another thing I picked up that never, ever, would have crossed my mind as a good thing to do previously.
 
#38 ·
I read MMSL pretty regularly. I enjoy Athol's sense of humor, and the general premise that the spouse/marriage that you have is your best chance at the sex life you want. The whole idea of the best husbands being a balance of alpha & beta seems right on, and there are lots of other "gems" hidden in there, but also lots of things I think are pretty dangerous. The whole "flirt like you could get someone else if you wanted to" doesn't seem like the smartest idea for a man who is looking for advice because he isn't getting as much sex as he wants. Seems like a fine line between flirting like he could get someone else and flirting with someone who really knows what she's doing and ending up losing his wife.
 
#43 · (Edited)
I don’t agree with flirting as a way to increase a partner’s desire for you. My reasoning is that at the times I caught my wife flirting all it achieved in generating in me was a very deep and lasting anger and sadness. There is no passion or desire where there is anger and an angry man is not attractive. And it was the same with my wife. Whenever I flirted she either got sad (withdrawn) or angry (withdrawn) and again there’s no passion or desire there when those emotions are around.

It needs attraction and desire in both partners and for good sex it needs passion as well. So the trick is for both partners to keep themselves attractive and desirable.

With some of the guys that post, I don’t get this asking if they can have sex. In over 40 years with my wife I never once asked for sex (although on a few occasions I jokingly offered to pay for it) yet I had sex anytime I wanted it. I think these things have a great deal to do with the type of wife a man has. For example some wives will consider it part of the deal to always give their husbands sex (MEMS position on things), in perhaps the same way as they’ll always give them home cooked meals. And in this way these women see sex and food as the way to their man’s heart and their way of keeping them by their side. And then there are other types of women who use sex as both a reward and a punishment and if she’s in punishment mode neither flirting or anything else will get you sex with her.
 
#44 ·
With some of the guys that post, I don’t get this asking if they can have sex. In over 40 years with my wife I never once asked for sex (although on a few occasions I jokingly offered to pay for it) yet I had sex anytime I wanted it. I think these things have a great deal to do with the type of wife a man has. For example some wives will consider it part of the deal to always give their husbands sex (MEMS position on things), in perhaps the same way as they’ll always give them home cooked meals. And in this way these women see sex and food as the way to their man’s heart and their way of keeping them by their side. And then there are other types of women who use sex as both a reward and a punishment and if she’s in punishment mode neither flirting or anything else will get you sex with her.
Up until recently I would always say, "So do you want to do something tonight?" My wife never used sex as both a reward and a punishment, but I still would ask. It was a concern for her, but I have come to realize, as I have already stated, that she may not "feel like it" so if I just go ahead, she will get often into it. I have also come to realize (as she has tried to tell me) that there are times she does not have the energy for an orgasm but is perfectly willing for me to go anyway. This is one outcome of reading the book.
 
#45 ·
I hope you don't mind me coming to the thread late and still slightly derailing with thoughts about flirting.

My initial reaction was that of Enchantment's. There is nothing more alluring than knowing I have his undivided focus, that he is there with me and demonstrates this in a respectful manner - that is completely flattering and sexy unto itself.

He came home from his new job looking HOT in his suit and I asked how many times he'd been hit on. Well, this was not received how I intended. He initially viewed my comment as insecure rather than playful admiration. I had to quickly add that I know what a catch he is and how FINE he was looking. Then I got his smile.

I think there would need to be serious apathy if flirting was needed to give a wake-up call.
 
#46 · (Edited)
Actually, I would have no problem if my wife said that to me. I playfully do that to my her all the time. I will ask "Did anybody hit on you?" She will say, "NO!!!", but not because she is offended by me asking, only because she does not know how HOT she really is!! I am different from many guys I guess. My wife was at her sister's a couple of years ago and a friend of theirs said, "Your sister is hot." I LOVED hearing about that!!! Its like I say to myself, "Ha, ha...you can't have her!!" (maybe I should start a thread like that)
 
#50 ·
Actually, I would have no problem id my wife said that to me. I playfully do that to my her all the time. I will ask "Did anybody hit on you?" She will say, "NO!!!", but not because she is offended by me asking, only because she does not know how HOT she really is!! I am different from many guys I guess. My wife was at her sister's a couple of years ago and a friend of theirs said, "Your sister is hot." I LOVED hearing about that!!! Its like I say to myself, "Ha, ha...you can't have her!!" (maybe I should start a thread like that)
My husband and me is alot like you, it is all in fun. We are very open & very bantering & joking and yeah, even when good friends are around - we outright say what we are thinking many times, never any offense -ever. :)
 
#47 ·
I have read the book and I believe overall it is pure greatness. Since coming to TAM I have realized my sex life is way above average from others who have so much difficulty, husbands and wives alike. In 20 years there have been times I've wanted it more and in other times she wanted it more. We are basically in sync at the moment.

My successes using the book:
-Responding to fitness tests. Have to admit, never thought of them that way until coming to TAM, reading MEM/Deejo/Conrad/BBWolf). MMSL and TAM taught me to say no or convert to humor. Getting better.
-Understanding the rationalization hamster and preventing it
-Fixing things around the house. Case in point, my wife was greatly turned on a few weeks back as she pulled up from shopping with me in the yard hacking away at a tree stump with a large ax. She wanted the "large ax" that night!
-Asking her for anything a lot less, just take it. If continued prodding yields no result for whatever reason, no problem. Move on.
-"Ready for some below average sex tonight baby?" enough said
-Captain/First Mate, my wife thrives on this. She realizes she is not the best at making decisions. Wants and needs my input and final say
-Rough sex/spanking. What can I say, she loves it, wants it, needs it, craves it. For 15 years didn't know that. Her recent reply to a sext message exchange "I don't like gentle". We have no safe word, none....
-Sex rank. Masterfully written. I use it to think about failed relationships. Sex rank is always there. We are both 6-7's right now, both trying to get it higher.

Now, on the "flirting" part of the book I can agree and disagree. Me openly flirting with other women does nothing for my wife. I'm not rewarded for it. It does make her angry, cold shoulder. Now that's when I start it.... On the other hand, when a group of women have come up to me for my attention and I give them that attention, this sparks a positive reaction. She quickly "protects" the relationship.

But the book teaches why flirting can work if initiated by the man, all based on sex rank. I get the cold shoulder b/c our ranks are the same, pretty simple actually.

I am ready to read the book again!
 
#48 ·
I think the flirting advise is pretty valuable and grossly misunderstood. Athol basically says to keep your flirting with other women very basic and light. So, if you smile at other women and maybe do some playful teasing with women you converse with, that's enough. All you want is to arouse the Preselection Effect in your wife.

I'm sure even Athol would admit that walking into a dance club with your wife and grinding your crotch up against some random woman will be counterproductive. I'm just not sure why people think he's advocating that.

The only times I've seen him excusing, or perhaps advocating, more open flirting is the case where one spouse isn't meeting the other's needs, he/she has been told repeatedly with no change in behavior, he/she has been warned about the possibility of ending the relationship with no change in behavior, and it's finally come down to proving that you really can move on and attract another partner. But that's a fairly special case.

For most husbands out there, I think smiling at and teasing other women will work out quite nicely with their wives.
 
#49 ·
For most husbands out there, I think smiling at and teasing other women will work out quite nicely with their wives.
I haven't read the book - and although I'm not a man, knowing there are Sci-Fi references, it has sparked interest for me. :D

If it works for some, then great. Personally it works out nicely when my husband is smiling at and teasing ME and is seemingly oblivious to other women *shrug* but maybe that's just me.
 
#54 ·
For 18 or so years I was the total gentleman. I waited about a year for intercourse because at 25, she was still a virgin. That should have told me something back then. I made her dinner all the time, helped with dishes, gave her massages, Helped to clean the house. Even before we moved in together I on occasion help to pay some of her bills because she was a little behind. At that time I wasn't getting any pu$$y. I was a chump.

FINALLY after 18 years, I took charge and have been pushing the envelope for sex and it has worked. We have more sex in the last year than the previous 18 years combined. SOMETIMES I it feels like I an attacking her, but she hardly ever says NO! I know that she is not really there. I know it is NOT ME.

I talk about how other women flirt with me all the time. Something really changed in me a year ago. I am more confident and attractive to other women. I am not WHIPPED anymore. I am becoming a MAN! Some lady "friends" even give me little gifts. When I talk about other women, She gets a little jealous and at the same time she is beginning to initiate sex more often. I am at the point that I don't need her anymore. If she were to leave, I would be just fine!
 
#55 ·
Best message in MMSL is for men to stand up for what they want. If a man wants sex, ask for it. In the context of marriage anyway.

Most men are completely in favor of equal opportunity. What most men have been told by society is to be equal in the marriage. MMSL's assertion is that men should lead in the marriage.

Be a leader. Know what you want, ask for it, and don't apologize for wanting it.

Remember, being a leader does not mean being an *******. A leader realizes that a major part of leadership is helping others get what they need to have a good life as well.

Everyone, men and women appreciate a good leader.

The book has added a lot of value to my marriage.
 
#56 ·
I would agree except for the "ask" part. I have started taking full control sexually, and she has responded wonderfully! I don't ask, I assume we are having sex and let her say no if she can't, but even then she often says, "Here is my warm pu$$y. I don't need an orgasm tonight, but you go ahead and have some fun." Today I said, "I want to wait until tonight and I want to rock your world with my tongue." That is exactly what happened!!
 
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