| | Re: How can I help him change?
My two cents . . . my wife is also very controlling. Not in the sense of her barking out orders, but she 'just wants to make sure that everything's alright and everyone's happy.' Whether they like it or not. Additionally, she has very low self-esteem (and I suspect these two are related). She has a way of manipulating so many situations and is a master at deflecting any and all critisicms. Over the past 6 months, I have become acutely aware of this, and it's staggering to me the many subtle ways she increases her self esteeem by belittling others, shifting blame, avoiding various topics. When I read your first post, I thought that if your H did not have a strong self esteem to begin with (and you suggest he never stood on his own two feet), the contant controlling (and whatever else you may be doing) would eventually wear him down completely.
I suggest this from my own perspective and you may or may not see some of yourself/your relationship in this. Good for you that you are in IC - I know for my wife, she would tell me flat out, "There's nothing wrong with me" with the implication that it was all my issues. I don't deny that I have my own things to deal with (and have been in IC for some time), but she brings her own baggage to the relationship.
And, I don't mean to imply that you alone did this to him - he sounds like he needs some help too. If indeed his self esteem has been eroded, this might be partly the cause of him seeking an EA. Again, not an excuse - he needs to own that mistake and deal with it. Good luck