Kysmom

Hi everybody! I'm new to this forum and really need some advice about my marriage. I'm 25 years old and have been married to my 32 year old husband for almost a year. It is the first marriage for each of us and we've been together 3 1/2 years in total. I have a 4 1/2 year old son from a previous relationship who my husband plans to adopt.

Now that you have the background info, let me start by saying that I do love my husband, but our marriage is nothing like I expected and I'm starting to wonder if I really can live with him for the rest of our lives.

The problems pretty much started when my husband quit his job three weeks before the wedding last year. He didn't start working again until over two months later. We had take back all of our shower gifts to finish paying for the reception and we had to cancel our honeymoon. We also had to use all of our wedding gift money to pay rent and bills. By the end of February we had gotten so far behind with our bills that we had to move in with my mother. At that time he decided to quit his current job and try starting his own business. I tried to be supportive during all of this, but by the end of May he still wasn't working and the business wasn't bringing in much profit. I was starting to get annoyed that he wasn't really looking for anything else. Finally, by June he got a part time job and his business was becoming more successful as well, but unfortunately that is not where our problems end.

I just feel like my husband isn't interested in being a "husband" in the full sense of the word. As soon as we moved in with my mother my husband got into the habit of playing video games with my 21 year old brother until 6 am. Though, his bedtime has gotten a little earlier in the past few months, I still cannot remember the last time he went to bed with me. I can go to bed at 11 pm or 2 am, he always comes hours later. He also has a "rule" that he needs atleast 2 or 3 nights a week to do something without me, away from home. Recently, it has only been about once a week, but you can guarantee that atleast once every week, on a weeknight, he will go to hang out with friends and I have no idea when he will be home. He doesn't go out to bars or clubs, he usually just plays cards or watches something on T.V., but I'm not allowed to ask when he might be home. I usually go to bed and wake up every hour until I know he's home safely. It's not that I need him to be here with me, I just like to know he's safe and to have an idea of when I can expect him home. But he says that it's pathetic that I can't sleep when he's gone and that he wants a wife not a mother.

I could go on and on about so many things that he does that I think are very selfish. For instance, we were going to take a short cruise for our anniversary, but once again we aren't going to be able to afford it. I would do pretty much anything and since we have never been anywhere alone for more than one night, I'm determined to go somewhere. But he flat out refuses to go anywhere if it's not the beach. We can't take off for more than a long weekend and the closest beach is 9 hours away. Besides, he rufuses to drive more than 6 or 7 hours. I love theme parks and we both love baseball and I have suggested going to a big city and watching a ball game, but he doesn't want to go unless it's Yankee Stadium, and NYC is too expensive and far away. I suggested going to a big theme park that I've wanted to go to for years, he told me to find someone else to go with because it doesn't interest him and it's selfish for me to expect to go.

Those are just a few examples of what's bothering me about my husband, but the biggest issue we have is sex. He simply isn't interested. We are intimate about once a month and I'm even starting to lose interest at this point. I can't say anything flirty to him or even playfully suggest sex becasue he will roll his eyes. He is affectionate and loving with me when he knows it won't lead anywhere and he definitely draws a line. When sex does happen it is on his terms. Like the other night, it had been over a month since we'd been intimate. He came to bed three hours after me and he woke me up saying I looked sexy laying there and kissing me passionately, which is a definite sign that he wants to be intimate. While I was glad that it was happening, I was exhausted, and a little annoyed knowing that I had to get up for work in a few short hours. It lasted just long enough to satisfy him (as usual) and then it was over. Afterward he asked me if I "Had fun" (he asks this every time) but he did nothing to ensure that I was "having fun". I'm left feeling almost more frustrated than I was before we were intimate. I've had so many talks with him about why he doesn't seem to be interested in sex and about how I'm not satisfied. It was a little bit of a problem before we got married, but has gotten much worse since. I would understand if he had a problem, medical or otherwise that was affecting his libido, but he doesn't think there's a problem and believes that if I want sex more than once a month that I'm a "fiend" and that I'm being selfish if I expect him to do it when he doesn't want to. I'm very fit and am told how attractive I am often, I also think I have a good personality. But when my husband doesn't seem to have a desire for me, it takes it's toll on my self esteem.

Well, I know this has seemed to go on and on. I sometimes have a hard time gathering my thoughts, and I apologize for that. I just feel like I'm at a point where I need some advice about what to do. I love my husband and while he does have good qualities, it's the issues that I've mentioned that have left me feeling unhappy and unsure of whether or not I can deal with this for the rest of my life. Feel free to ask any questions you want and I thank you in advance for any advice!