Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - I feel so stupid and feel it might be too little too late!!

desert-rose · 12-11-2011, 01:33 AM

You also mention in your post that your husband has an anger problem. I wonder if they (your parents) have a basis for their objection at all? You say that there are major problems in your relationship, also. I think it might be easy and tempting to blame controlling parents and to hope that removing them from your life will solve the problems (and I DO think that you need to build up your own boundaries so that they aren't pushing you around when you don't want them to), but it won't on it's own. It's possible that through their controlling and manipulative (and wrong) behavior, they actually do care about you and are worried about you. I am not condoning what they did to you and manipulation is NOT okay. However, I am simply saying that in addition to setting some boundaries and distance between yourself and them, that you might want to think a little (honestly, critically, and without wishfullness in involved) about their concerns for you and why it is that they are pressuring you so strongly. If you are not in marriage counseling, please, please, please go to marriage counseling. And, while I think you should distance yourself from your parents, I don't think you should cut them off entirely, because that might just bury the issues that they've made in your life. I would encourage you to go to family counseling with them, as well, to see if you might be able to salvage some of that relationship and make it something better what it was before. I feel like there is a lot of gray area here in your story that you may or may not be acknowledging to yourself (and I say that because of how I'm experiencing my own situation and from other things that you've mentioned in your posts), and I think that you owe it to yourself and your happiness to find out what other dynamics are playing a part in this tension, too. Use this time to solve a little of both problems if you can, because they are feeding into each other. Family of Origin issues won't disappear, not even by cutting off the FoO. Thinking the whole problem's fault lies with one side dishonors the truth of your own experience, too, and you don't want to rug sweep your own problems. If you're cleaning up the messy relationships, why not try to clean them all up rather than sweep some of the mess under the rug? I'm not trying to be hurtful, but I hope you'll think about what I'm suggesting. Childhood dysfunction and abuse makes it very hard to notice subtle forms of abuse in adult relationships, sometimes, too. Counseling might lead to something better all around. Better relationships on all sides = a happier you, even if there's some hideous struggle on the way there. And, of course, if you are able to sort out some thoughts about your FoO, you will at least have some kind of resolution that might make problems in your own marriage and parenting (everyone has problems and they often stem from childhood experiences, so I don't mean to single you out), even if you decide to remove them from your life.

12-11-2011, 01:33 AM	#9 (permalink)
desert-rose Member Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 411	Re: I feel so stupid and feel it might be too little too late!! You also mention in your post that your husband has an anger problem. I wonder if they (your parents) have a basis for their objection at all? You say that there are major problems in your relationship, also. I think it might be easy and tempting to blame controlling parents and to hope that removing them from your life will solve the problems (and I DO think that you need to build up your own boundaries so that they aren't pushing you around when you don't want them to), but it won't on it's own. It's possible that through their controlling and manipulative (and wrong) behavior, they actually do care about you and are worried about you. I am not condoning what they did to you and manipulation is NOT okay. However, I am simply saying that in addition to setting some boundaries and distance between yourself and them, that you might want to think a little (honestly, critically, and without wishfullness in involved) about their concerns for you and why it is that they are pressuring you so strongly. If you are not in marriage counseling, please, please, please go to marriage counseling. And, while I think you should distance yourself from your parents, I don't think you should cut them off entirely, because that might just bury the issues that they've made in your life. I would encourage you to go to family counseling with them, as well, to see if you might be able to salvage some of that relationship and make it something better what it was before. I feel like there is a lot of gray area here in your story that you may or may not be acknowledging to yourself (and I say that because of how I'm experiencing my own situation and from other things that you've mentioned in your posts), and I think that you owe it to yourself and your happiness to find out what other dynamics are playing a part in this tension, too. Use this time to solve a little of both problems if you can, because they are feeding into each other. Family of Origin issues won't disappear, not even by cutting off the FoO. Thinking the whole problem's fault lies with one side dishonors the truth of your own experience, too, and you don't want to rug sweep your own problems. If you're cleaning up the messy relationships, why not try to clean them all up rather than sweep some of the mess under the rug? I'm not trying to be hurtful, but I hope you'll think about what I'm suggesting. Childhood dysfunction and abuse makes it very hard to notice subtle forms of abuse in adult relationships, sometimes, too. Counseling might lead to something better all around. Better relationships on all sides = a happier you, even if there's some hideous struggle on the way there. And, of course, if you are able to sort out some thoughts about your FoO, you will at least have some kind of resolution that might make problems in your own marriage and parenting (everyone has problems and they often stem from childhood experiences, so I don't mean to single you out), even if you decide to remove them from your life. Last edited by desert-rose; 12-11-2011 at 01:40 AM.